Pure At Heart

Pure At Heart (13) On The Path Unwinding - Part 1

"No believer should be angry towards his wife. If some of her qualities are displeasing, there will be many other qualities worth appreciation."

                                                    _____________________

I prayed and put away the prayer rug. I sat down on the bed but I couldn't lay down. My head would start to hurt if I lied down. The sound of birds chirping hit my ears. At least someone's having a great start of the day, I thought. I walked up to my window and opened up the curtains, letting the first few and fresh rays of sunlight hit my room. I opened up the blinds so I could clearly see all that was happening outside. It was a beautiful morning. The tree branches were swinging lightly and the birds were flying around. While everybody else was still asleep in their beds, I was awake, alone, sick and tired. I didn't know if my parents knew I was here but honestly, it was for the better if they didn't. They'll find out eventually when they wake up at their usual time. I sat down on my window sill and observed nature. It was a beautiful thing indeed. I decided to go out and take a walk in my backyard. I put my slippers on and walked out without a hijab on, since I knew no one would be awake at 7 on a Sunday morning. I quietly opened the bedroom door and tiptoed my way downstairs. I opened the sliding backyard door, and slipped through the small gap and shut it behind me. The grass had little droplets of water on it since our sprinkler liked to perform its duty early in the morning. It was on but I still decided to take a stroll. I didn't know what to do with life right now. Give up or keep fighting? I knew I couldn't give up. That was just wrong. My life was a blessing and a gift from my Lord and I couldn't give up on such a blessing that easy. I knew I had to stand alone in this battlefield. But inshAllah, if Allah is with me, I will win alone even if I have to fight a herd of bulls.

I decided to not cry anymore. Not now, not ever. If Zayd was the only reason I ever cried, I didn't need to cry anymore. Why waste my tears on someone who couldn't even love me with my flaws? Does he not understand that not everyone is perfect? Actually, no one is perfect. He, himself isn't perfect either. He knows that... everybody knows that. But he doesn't realize it. I won't live for anyone but me. I will live for me. Life is beautiful if we choose to make it beautiful. No matter what happens, who comes in my life or who goes, I will never let my head low or frown. I will keep smiling and whatever happens, I will stand tall because deep inside, I am Pure At Heart!

I didn't realize I was smiling to myself, until I heard someone call my name from behind me. I turned around and saw my dad standing in the doorway, staring at me like I was someone he had never met or seen. I forced a smile and stared at him as he stood there with the same expressions and in the same position. He stayed that way for almost 10 seconds and I guess when he finally understood what was going on, he spoke.

"Why are you here?" he said, keeping the same distance. I gulped and smiled to myself. "Nice to see you too baba", I said and walked right past him.

"Do you not understand this isn't you home anymore? Go to you house!" he spoke in a firm voice. I turned around and realized he wasn't joking. He was serious. He was serious with the expressions and the gestures. He was serious with the attitude.

"Why Baba?" I began. "Just because im married means I can't spend a night with you guys anymore? Why do you shut me out? What did I ever do to you? What's with the comments, the gestures and avoiding the eye contact? Why? Why do you do this? I know I embarrass you but you have started hating me to the point that you wish I didn't exist? Why? Why Baba, why? I know what I did was wrong but your hatred is way too strong for what I did. No one hates me as much as you do. And honestly, I don't understand how a father can hold a grudge so strong against his own daughter. I tolerated your behavior too much but this is just crossing the lines. If you hate me, say it to my face. Your comments already tell me the truth then why not say it to my face? Who are you afraid of? Say it to me baba, say it to me! Say it! Tell me you hate me! Be a man and say it baba", I finally stopped because I didn't have any power to speak any more words. I kept my voice low because I didn't want to wake the whole neighborhood up but luckily, I didn't even wake my mother or my sister. I wiped the one tear that had fallen on my face and ran upstairs to my room. If my father really had the nerve to say he hates me and was going to say it, I didn't want to hear him say it. The little love, affection and respect that was left in my heart for him, I wanted it to stay that way. I didn't love him the same anymore but still, I was his daughter and his presence did make me comfortable, despite all that he had said.