Pure At Heart

Pure At Heart (9) Little things

      "The secret to love is that there are no secrets when you love."

                                                        _________________

What happened the rest of the night doesn't ring a single bell. All i remember is that i was now worried because i didn't want to tell Zayd about my past. Although he did. He used to date and was involved in various haraam stuff when he was 13 or 14. But he didn't feel bad about it. And anyway, if he did, he had the support of his parents. If i told my parents about his past, they wouldn't even care. He was lucky to have so much respect in his parents' eyes. I wish i was that lucky. 

Life would have been easier if i didn't run away with Dylan; if i didn't trust him enough for him to hypnotize me. I kept changing positions, but i couldn't sleep. Zayd was fast asleep; and i should be doing the same. I woke up at nine this morning so logically thinking, i should've been snoring right now. I had such a hectic day; but my thoughts and worries were far more hectic. If only i had some courage to face his reaction after telling him the truth. He wasn't afraid; why was i? He comitted sins but he was all ok about it. He told me he repented and so now he felt all better. Didn't i do that? Of course i did. Since that day forward, i didn't even look at a guy. I didn't even go anywhere alone; i always had some company with me. I started waking up for tahajjud; i used to weep, asking for forgiveness and used to stay up all night doing that. I got a permanent headache because of staying up all night. My eyes used to burn because of crying all the time; what did i do wrong? Where did i go wrong? Maybe i didn't pray enough; maybe the sin was too big to be forgiven by tahajjud prayers and tears.

"Oh Allah! Please forgive me. I need your help, your guidance. Please show me the right path and make things and relationships easy for me.. Ameen", i made a silent prayer in my heart. I slept at 2 in the morning; i hadn't been this nervous before. Marriage held handful of challenges to face. But, was it just me? 

_____________

I woke up with the call of prayer hitting my ears. I had an automatic adhan alarm set on my phone. And so it went off at times of prayers. I was about to turn it off and go back to sleep when the following phrase hit my ears. 

الصلاة خير من النوم (Prayer is better than sleep)

I quickly sat up. Allah SWT just gave me a message; i shouldn't delay anymore now. I looked over at Zayd but he hadn't moved an inch. He was sleeping in the same position; the call to success didn't provoke his thoughts. I decided to wake him up after i had performed wudhu and so i got up, and said the morning prayer- before heading to the restroom.

"My parents expect us to be at the dining table at exactly 9 o'clock. We shouldn't be a minute late. Ok?", Zayd said after he finished the prayer. I was reading my daily dose of Quran on my cell, so i just nodded. He had already started ruling over me; was it ok for him to?

Zayd went to sleep right after praying. I finished reading surah Al-Mulk and put my phone on the side table, pulling the covers on me. It was one of those cold winter mornings. And you know what would make this better? If someone told me a wise way of disclosing the dark secret of mine. If only. InshAllah...maybe.

                                                                          ___________

I had worn a black shirt and tiger-stripe straight skirt. I put my hair over my shoulders and put on my silver hoop earrings. I didn't have to worry about wearing a hijab right now; not until Zayd's brother was home. Zayd had a younger brother, who was away for studies in England. The only man other than Zayd was Zayd's father, who was my mahram. It was 8:45 am and we had to be at the dining table in 15 minutes. Zayd was still taking a bath and i was done getting ready, so i decided to just sit down on the bed.