Chapter Twenty-Two:
Zayn
The flight home to Bradford was long and all it did was make me replay the moment that occurred the day before. It was like a DVD stuck on rewind, everything was a blur in my mind after she looked me in the eye and said I wasn't right for her. The pain that was so evident in her eyes destroyed me, I wanted to shake the sense into her. Make her understand that she didn't see how much she meant to me.
I had pulled a hail mary when I said I loved her, and I had regretted it every single second since. I knew she wasn't ready, I knew that I needed to wait, I knew it would overwhelm her. Yet I had thought that maybe if I had said it when she was trying to break up with me, she'd suddenly realize she loved me too.
Though I may lead a life of impossible things happening, that was one thing that didn't seem plausible for quite a bit longer.
The more I thought about it, the more realized how the only thing I managed to do by declaring my love was further harm the way she thought of me.
"You seem so far away even though you're right there." My mum sounded slightly offended when she set down the multitudes of food she had prepared on the oak table that only happened to have me sitting at it.
The girls were all out with friends, seeing as I had come home and stated that I would be hibernating for at least the first day I was here. Though my mother never seemed to be able to make just enough for the people there, she had to make enough for an additional four people just in case some guests appeared at our doorstep. After setting down the last dish, she pulled out the chair beside me. Instead of looking towards the food, she had her legs faced me.
"What's going on? What happened since the last time I saw you? You're so distant now."
I took a deep breath, weighing my options. My mum was always one to listen to everything I said, I knew I could talk to her about anything. It always seemed easier to hide it from everyone, but the more time I spent with Joelle, the more I realized that it's not always good to bottle things up. Joelle had been bottling things up so long that she didn't know how to let someone in, and though she tried to let me in, in the end her system shut down and she resolved back into her closed off, 'safe' world. I didn't want to become so closed off from the world like she was, it just seemed to automatic to not let anyone know what was bothering me at any point of the day. Not even to the people I knew cared.
"You're not allowed to eat until you tell me what's wrong." Her voice held absolutely no room for argument and I was tempted to roll my eyes.
"I'm not ten anymore, y'know."
"You might as well be with the way you're acting. What happened? Some riff happen between you and one of the boys?"
"No," I sighed.
"Bad performance?" She tried again.
