take care

fourteen

Hey,

Ok it's been a week since I last wrote you. Nothing major has happened but I got lonely not writing to you!

So to start things off, I had tea with Eleanor yesterday. I finished the entire Hush Hush series and El insisted that she come over and talk to me about it. Harry left to go hang out with Lou (Teasdale, not Tomlinson) and Lux since he hadn't spoken to them for a while. I love Harry and I love having his company, but it was nice to hang out with someone other than him for a change. Though I don't want to admit it, our friendship has become pretty awkward. The sad part is that having sex didn't affect our friendship at all, no, it was the fact that we kissed. Yup, doing the most intimate thing two people can do with each other doesn't bother me, nope, it's just having a passionate kiss that messes everything up.

El sat a cup of tea in front of me and opened up a tin of cookies. She offered one to me and I gladly accepted.

We talked about the book at first but then Eleanor started getting into some personal matters.

"So Louis told me about you and Harry..."

I sighed. "Yeah, I figured as much."

She grabbed me hand. "Are you ok?"

This took me by surprise. I had expected lot of questions to come from Eleanor like did we use protection, what were you thinking, are either of you pregnant (trust me, she would ask that) but I hadn't expected that.

"I'm, uh, fine I think."

"Really? Because you seem upset. I know you don't want to hear this, but no matter what you say your friendship with Harry will never be the same. You shared a very intimate thing with him, and I know that he was the first man you ever slept with so he will always be in your heart, for the good and the worse."

Eleanor said something I hadn't even thought of. This whole thing with Harry I had just brushed aside, but I had never thought of it like that. He wasn't the first person I had had sex with but he was the first man I had sex with. In some sort of way, he had taken my virginity. If I ever have a boyfriend, he won't be my first time, it will always be my best friend.

"Tell me how you really feel, Niall. You know I won't tell anybody, I'm not like that."

El was right, she would never tell a soul her's or anyone else's secrets. I took a leap of faith and decided to tell her the truth. "I don't know what to feel. He's my best friend and, like you said, we have done the most intimate thing people can do together. I just try not to think about it. I feel bad because I know how much stress I've caused him by sleeping with him. It's just so complicated. That day after we told everybody, he asked to kiss me to see if he was bi. It was really... passionate and by the end he said that he definitely wasn't bi and I don't know it just made me... sad I guess. I don't know why, but him telling me right after an amazing kiss that he definitely isn't bi just frustrates me I suppose."

I hadn't even realized I was crying until Eleanor came up behind me and gave me a hug. She assured me that it was all going to be ok in the end and that it was normal to have unexplainable feelings for a friend of yours. It made me feel better to tell somebody that.

El had to leave shortly after and promised me that she wouldn't tell anybody about our conversation. I decided to trust her, not that I didn't have any reason not to.

It's been a couple of days since Eleanor's visit and yet I still can't stop thinking about it. Do I have feelings for Harry? I mean, I don't feel nervous or weak to the knees but if I think about that kiss we shared or other things we've done together I automatically get butterflies.

I don't know, maybe I should just stop thinking about this and get some shut eye. I know Harry is in the other room waiting to cuddle with me. Every night he always waits for me. He has to make sure I'm ok and stuff I guess.

God, when did my life get so complicated? Oh yeah, right after the incident but I definitely don't want to talk about that.

Take Care,

Niall xxx

____________________________________________________________

A/N Hello my little tea cups (idk, I just woke up so I'm probably going to say stupid stuff like that)! Well in the news of Olivia 1.) I am depressed and will most likely have to see a therapist now 2.) my dog just died (not helping with my depression). He was my first pet and I was in the room when we put him down so I'm taking today as a mental health day 3.) on a more lighter note... I made a trailer for this! It's not very good, but I feel oddly proud of myself 4.) thank you guys so much for 2k reads! It's hard to believe that I've come so far in only a month! But Today I'm dedicating this to gymnast0172 because she always leave such nice comments!

Next Posting Date: February 7th or 15 votes and 7 comments