Diana (Z.M.)

Chapter Thirty-Four: Therapy

Chapter Thirty-Four

Diana's P.O.V. 2012

      I stare at the tray of food before me. The nurses say it isn't a lot of food, but to me it's more than I have consumed in ages. I count up all the calories, grams of fats, sugars, and carbohydrates in each food item. Apple sauce, carrot sticks, and a few slices of turkey add up to 285 calories. My stomach churns with disgust. 

      Mrs. Terri looks at me with caring eyes. "Diana, you have to eat if you want to get better." I  nod and swallow hard. 

      "I know. I want to get better. I don't want to feel this way anymore. But, I don't want to eat either." 

      She sighs and picks up the tray. She removes the apple sauce from it and sets it before me again. She sticks a plastic spoon into the substance and fills up a foam cup with water. "There, at least eat that. If you don't then we'll be forced to feed you through a tube in your stomach." I exhale in frustration and grip the plastic spoon in my hand. I don't have any other options. 

      With a trembling hand I scoop as little as possible onto the spoon and bring it to my lips. The sweet taste of apples fill my mouth. I hold it there for a while until its a warm mushy paste. I don't want to swallow. I just want to spit it back out and guzzle a gallon of water until my stomach is tricked into being full. 

      "Diana, you need to swallow it." The nurse speaks in a stern tone and I swallow hard; nearly gagging as I feel the substance slide down my throat. She releases a small smile. "That's a good girl." 

       She says I'm good when I eat. I don't feel it. I feel filthy, disgusting, like a pig even though my eyes say its only a little cup of mushed up fruit my mind screams about the calories. I can see the apple sludge sliding down my throat and hitting my stomach, moving through my body, and depositing as more fat into my stomach. I try to focus on something else in order to eat. Anything has to help.

       I think of Luis. He has no clue of what is happening but he wouldn't want me doing this and hurting myself. I see his white smile in my head and take another bite. It's still difficult and she's still screaming but I have a bit more control of her this time. It's helping. 

      This time I go to Zayn. Zayn, the pop star who actually cared enough to reach out to a broken girl like me. A world famous singer who ignored all the other fans and hate and reached out to me when no one else would. I think of that song and the strum of the guitar. Little Things. I take another bite and she's furious. I wince but choke it down. 

      Shut up. 

     For the first time in a while, she actually listens to me. She quiets and creeps back into the darkness. My chest swells with pride and I take another bite. I need to get better. This is why I'm doing this. 

      I look up to Mrs. Terri and she smiles, delicately laying her hand on my shoulder. "Keep that up, and everything will be better in no time." I don't say anything but I know that just eating will not solve all my problems, although I wish it would. 

      There is a knock at the door and a woman walks in. She's tall and slender with blonde hair and piercing blue eyes. "Hello Diana, I'm Dr. Carmen. I'm your therapist." She turns and smiles at the nurse, signaling that she should leave the room. Terri nods and scurries out quickly. 

      Dr. Carmen pulls a chair alongside the bed and pulls a pen out of her coat pocket. "I don't know if you're aware but you will now be going through therapy two times a week until I think you're ready to be discharged. Then after that, we will continue meeting once a week if that is alright with you." She smiles with blindingly white teeth and I chew on my bottom lip nervously. The metallic taste of blood fills my mouth. 

      "Um, I've never really had a therapist before," I admit. She keeps smiling and nods.

       "It's okay, that's really what everyone says at first. But don't think of me as your therapist, think of me as your best friend. If you can do that." 

       The only best friend I've ever had was Luis and he was gone now. I don't want to admit that to her, though. That would make me sound even more pathetic than I already feel. 

      "Okay, I guess that works." I speak quietly, fiddling with my fingers. 

      She smiles again and begins asking questions. She asks all the questions therapists ask on tv. You know, the ones like, "How are you feeling today?" and "When did you first become depressed?". The questions that are so difficult to answer because I don't even know the answer myself. 

      "Um, that's kind of hard to answer." I admit embarrassed. She nods and crosses her hands in her lap. 

      "Okay, well let's start with an easier question then? What do you like to do for fun?" 

      No one has asked me that in a long time. Half of me doesn't know what to answer and the other part almost instinctually says, "Writing". She smiles and writes on her clipboard. 

     "So, how about we go about this a different way, okay? How about you write how you're feeling and I can just read it and then we can talk about it. Would that make it easier?" 

     I nod. That would be so much easier for me. She smiles once again and leaves the room momentarily. She returns with a leather notebook, the one my teacher gave to me only a month or two ago. 

      "Your parents brought this and said you used to write in it. So I figured you could use this." She hands it to me and I grip it tightly, running my fingers over the cool leather. Something about it feels familiar and comforting and I feel a small smile form on my lips. She smiles for the umpteenth time when she sees my grin. 

      "Now we are getting somewhere."

*Author's Note*

Hey everyone. I know I have not uploaded in ages. I mentioned before that I was in college. Well, I had to leave because of health issues and I'm just now starting to get back into the swing of things. This is the first time in a while I've actually been able to sit at my computer and write without any distraction. Thank you all for being so loyal and caring. It really means so much to me. I hope you all are doing well this holiday season. I hope to upload again before Christmas but if not, Merry Christmas, Kwanza, Happy Hanukah, Feliz Navidad or whatever holiday you celebrate. I love you all more than I can say. 

                                                                                                     - Shelby