Life I Left Behind (A Daryl Dixon Story)

Chapter Forty

The tiny prison cell felt cold and dismal. Silvery moonlight filtered in through the barred windows across the hall, casting eerie shadows against the concrete walls. I suppressed a shiver, drawing my sweatshirt tighter around me. I sat on the metal bed with my back pressed against the chilly wall, fiddling absentmindedly with a hole in the blanket wrapped around my legs. I wasn't sure how late it was, but judging by how long I had been sitting in the same spot unable to sleep, I was sure it was already past midnight. It was quiet in the rest of the cell block, though I doubted I was the only one losing sleep.

The cries of the new baby girl had finally quieted and I was sure it was either Carol or Beth that had rocked the sweet little thing to sleep. For me, though, sleep was the last thing on my mind. I couldn't close my eyes without seeing things I wished I could forget. A hot shower had washed away the blood and filth but a million showers would never be able to wash away the heart shattering images of Lori lying on that dirty, concrete floor or of Rick's devastated, desperate expression when he had realized his wife was gone. Never in my entire life had I seen anyone so broken.

I couldn't help but feel that it was unbelievably cruel they never even had a chance to say good-bye. Now Rick was left here, alone, to deal with all the sentences left unfinished, with all the things they had waited too long to say. I had seen the cracks in their relationship, some worse than others. Years of marriage torn and tarnished by difficult decisions and trials beyond their control. I had also seen, though, that they loved each other. It was unfair, though, that they would never get a chance to fix things and put the past aside for the simple fact that they cared about each other and needed one another. The pure unfairness of it all ate away at me and I knew more than ever that I never wanted to feel the broken, indescribable pain of losing the one person I loved and never getting a chance to say it one last time, or any time at all.

I was rocked by the feeling of how much I wanted to see Daryl. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and bury my face in his chest, breathing in that familiar musky scent. More than that, I didn't think I could bare it if I were to lose him without getting one last chance to let him know that what I was feeling was as real as anything. Whether there was anything I could say to change his mind or make him listen, I didn't know. All I really did know was that I couldn't sit here another second without telling Daryl again that I needed him. That more than anything, he was what I wanted.

I pushed the blankets off my legs, setting my feet down on the floor and lacing up my boots. My pulse was beating rapidly at the thought of what I was about to do. I took a deep, steadying breath and stood, moving towards the door. My heart suddenly caught in my throat, though, as I caught sight of a familiar, lanky frame already standing in the door frame.

"You scared me." I breathed, placing a hand over my racing heart. I wondered how I had missed the fall of his footsteps. "What are you doin' here?" I asked quietly.

He didn't say anything at first, lingering uncertainly outside the cell door. He seemed to finally make a decision though and took a step inside, leaning back against the wall. I moved back, sinking down onto the bed again as I waited for him to say something, a giant knot in the pit of my stomach.

"Charlie." He began quietly. I had heard him say my name a million times before, but something about the way he said it then sent chills coursing down my spine. He kept his gaze on the floor, as if he wasn't sure whether or not he wanted to look at me. He took a deep breath and started again. "Rick and Lori…I don't want that to be us." His eyes finally lifted to meet mine.

The words hung in the air between us and I thought my heart might race right out of my chest. It had been the exact thing I had planned on saying to him, only I had never expected to hear it from Daryl first. I shook my head. "I don't either."

I could see him nervously chewing his lower lip, the muscles in his jaw tense as he stood rigid against the wall. I knew how hard it was for him to say that one sentence, yet the fact that he had even come here spoke volumes enough. Daryl's gaze flickered back to me, where I sat unmoving. "You were right. I was selfish as hell. Still am." He said, shaking his head. "And I spent every god damn day until I found you in them woods wonderin' why I was such a downright jackass."

"You know, I didn't think I'd ever see you again." I admitted. "I mean, I spent the last ten years thinking you wanted nothing to do with me, Daryl."

He hung his head, once more averting his gaze to the ground. "I know." I heard him say, and I was surprised at how utterly ashamed he sounded. After a minute, he cleared his throat. "Look, we both know I ain't good at sayin' or doin' the right things. I'm pretty damn good at fuckin' things up, though. Just another reason I ain't any good for you…" He trailed off.

It felt like my stomach was doing full on gymnastics. I watched him intently, taking in his slouched shoulders, the tilt of his head, and the tense muscles of his arms crossed over his chest. I could just barely heard the hidden message behind his words, though I knew it would be next to impossible to get him to ever outright say what he meant, especially when it came to how he felt. I knew, though, he was willing to do just about anything to make things right between us, for me to forgive him. There was really only one thing I needed to hear, though.

"Daryl, the other night, when you said that you used to love me, was that true?" I asked carefully, my heart beat pounding in my ears. I needed to hear him say it again, otherwise I wasn't sure if I would ever really believe it had even happened.

His shifted his weight from one foot to the other before running a hand through his untidy hair, which I recognized well by now to be one of his nervous habits. "Yes." He finally said, and I knew how incredibly hard that one word had to be for him. Before I could even say anything back, though, I heard him mutter something else incredible underneath his breath. "Hell, I never stopped." I felt my pulse skyrocket. It was like the wind had been knocked out of me, my head spinning. And now I understood why he had pushed me away all those years ago. It was easier for him to let me go then to admit all the reasons why he wanted me to stay. Now that I finally knew, the ten years of waiting almost seemed worth it. I could feel Daryl's gaze on me, no doubt waiting for my reaction.

I pushed myself up from the bed, feeling the tension between the few feet of space the separated us. "Can I kiss you?" I asked, my voice unsteady. It felt like such a silly, pre-teen thing to ask but it was all I wanted to do in that moment, more than anything.

A tiny, barely there smile upturned the corners of his lips. "Ya don't gotta ask, girl."

I didn't waste any more time. With a single step I closed the space between us, wrapping my arms around his neck as our lips finally met. I breathed a sigh against his lips as the aching anticipation melted away. Instead, it was replaced by a hungry fire that seemed to spread throughout my entire body as he slid his tongue into my mouth. I felt his hands on my hips, fingertips digging into the fabric of my jeans. I didn't think this time, not bothering to try to control my wondering hands as they explored the soft skin on the back of his neck before sliding over his muscled chest and over his waist. I heard a groan escape his lips as my hands slipped underneath his shirt, feeling the heat of his bare skin.

I suddenly felt myself falling backward onto the bed, not sure when exactly we had started moving. Coherent thought seemed impossible, though, as Daryl's form covered me and I felt every inch of his muscled body pressed up against me. A shiver rippled over me as his hands snuck beneath the hem of my shirt, pushing it up and I felt the cold air hit my bare stomach. As his fingers toyed with the waistband of my jeans I realized that this was really going to happen. I felt an excited, nervous jolt in my stomach as our lips momentarily broke apart and Daryl pulled my shirt over my head and tossed it carelessly to the side before tugging his own shirt off and adding it to the growing pile of discarded clothing.

I realized how quiet it was then aside from the heavy sound as our breaths intermixed. "Daryl, "I murmured as he trailed kisses down my neck. "What if someone hears?"

I heard a low chuckle vibrate through him. "Why? You worried you can't be quiet?" He said in a husky whisper, sending yet another wave of shivers down my spine and created a noticeable hitch in my already heavy breathing.

"Bet I can be quieter than you." I challenged coyly, tracing patterns and shapes with my fingertips onto the bare skin of his back.

"We'll see about that." He growled into my ear, his calloused hand gliding down my side before gripping one of my thighs.

I answered by once again locking our lips together, trying to ignore the slight shake in my hands as fumbled with the button on his jeans. We were a tangled mess of limbs and panting, unable to contain our eagerness and insurmountable want for the other. My heart pounded furiously beneath my chest. Nothing else seemed more important than what was finally helping in that dismal cell, my back pressed against the mattress as Daryl held me close.