Life I Left Behind (A Daryl Dixon Story)

Chapter Twenty-Six

I kept my eyes shut tightly as we sped furiously away from the farm. I had no idea where Daryl was taking us, or if he even had any idea what direction we were headed in. I just hoped whatever road we were on would lead us back to the others. More than that, I hoped the others had all made out alive.

I only opened my eyes when I felt the bike beginning to slow down. I glanced around and realized we were on the highway. It seemed as good a spot as any to wait for someone to find us. Daryl parked the bike and I slowly climbed off. I ran a hand through my tangled mess of hair, looking down the road anxiously and keeping my ears opened for the sound of an approaching engine. I could feel Daryl's gaze on me as I paced back and forth. I waited for him to say something, but he kept quiet. I finally looked at him. He was still perched on his bike, leaning back in the seat and looking at me with an irritated expression.

"What?" I asked expectantly. "What the hell could I have possibly done now?"

He shook his head and looked away from me. I should have just let it go, but I was wound up from what had just happened and too worried about the others to deal with his shitty attitude.

"No, please, go on. Enlighten me. What did I do wrong today?" I said sarcastically, placing both hands on my hips.

"You got a death wish or somethin', Charlie?" He asked finally.

I furrowed my eyebrows together, confused. "What? What the hell are you talking about?"

"I saw what you did back there…runnin' straight at that walker, basically askin' to get torn to pieces. You got yourself into a hell of a mess tryin' to save everyone else."

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I couldn't believe this. 99% of the time, the man avoided me like the plague. The other 1% he spent scolding me about not being careful. I didn't pretend to understand why.

"So what? I was supposed to just let that walker take down Lori and Beth? Lori and her unborn child?" I sputtered out.

"What about you? What would've happened if you went down, huh?" He asked angrily, climbing off his bike to stare me down. The muscles in his arms were tense, his fingers curled into tight fists at his side.

"Then I would have died! And if I would have died saving Beth or Lori, then I wouldn't have cared."

"Well maybe somebody else would have." He huffed underneath his breath, his eyes narrowed into a piercing glare.

I was instantly taken back. The angry words that had been on the tip of my tongue melted away. "What?"

Daryl shook his head again, rubbing the back of his neck. "Forget it."

I took a tentative step closer to him. I felt like the next few moments could decide what would happen next, that we were precariously balanced on the edge of a knife. We could make peace, or we could go right back to where we had been for the past ten years.

We looked at each other long and hard for one incredibly drawn out moment before he spoke again. "Just forget it, Charlie. I'm done."

And there we were, falling right back into that place where we something between enemies and strangers. I tried not to feel disappointed. "Fine." I turned my back on him and continued to pace the road, waiting.

We didn't speak as the next fifteen minutes dragged on. I could feel his eyes lingering on me as I paced back and forth impatiently. I refused to even spare half a glance in his direction, though. Finally, just as I was beginning to doubt we'd ever find anyone else, I heard the rumble of an engine headed in our direction. A second later, Herschel's SUV carrying himself, Rick, and T-Dog came into view.

"Thank God." I breathed a sigh of relief, jogging towards them with Daryl close behind me. Not even a full minute later a second SUV pulled up with Maggie, Glenn, and Carol, as well as the truck carrying Lori and Beth. Everyone was extremely relieved to see one another, but it was hard to feel happy considering what had separated us. As I looked around, I realized there was someone missing. I glanced at Rick to see he was also wearing the same puzzled expression.

"Where's Andrea?" He asked.

Everyone grew quiet. I felt my stomach turn to knots. We may not have gotten along, but would never would have wished anything bad to happen to her.

"I saw her run into the woods, as we were driving off. She might still be alive." Carol offered, wringing her hands.

"Then we gotta go find her." I heard Daryl say.

I immediately turned to disagree with this, but kept my mouth shut. Why should I be the one to stop him from doing what he wants to do?

Rick shook his head. "It's too dangerous. We have no idea where she could have went, if she's even alive still."

Daryl grunted in obvious disapproval but stayed put.

"Wait…where's Shane?" Lori asked suddenly.

I immediately looked around and realized he wasn't among us. I wasn't sure how I missed his normally agitating presence.

Rick hung his head. "I had to kill him." He said in a voice that was just barely above a whisper. "Then he turned. Carl put him down."

Everyone was silent except for Lori who let out a gasp and recoiled from her husband, unable to even look at him. She grasped Carl closer to her. I wasn't sure what she was trying to shield him from. The damage was already done. I think the rest of us quietly agreed with Rick's decision. Shane had become a threat to us all.

"He was dangerous. He tried to kill me, Lori. I had no choice." He tried to explain, looking desperate.

"He's the reason I got this." I piped up, pointing towards the gash on my forehead. "Rick's telling the truth. Shane told me he wanted to get rid of Rick."

Lori's eyes turned to look at me, still wide with shock. I couldn't tell from her expression what else she might have been feeling, whether or not she believed Rick and I. I supposed only time would tell. In the meantime, there were more pressing matters to deal with.

"I still don't understand. Neither Randall nor Shane were bit. So how did they turn?" Herschel asked. There were murmurs of agreement.

Rick was the only one who didn't seem to be pondering this. I reached out a hand and gently placed it on his shoulder, getting his attention.

"Rick…do you know something the rest of us don't?" I asked. He turned to look at me and I could see the struggle in his eyes. He knew something, but he didn't want to say what.

"We have a right to know." Glenn intervened.

Rick finally let out a sigh of defeat, running a hand through his hair. "Remember when we were at the CDC? Jenner whispered something to me, right before we got out and the place blew. He said 'we're all infected'…whatever it is, this virus, every single one of us has it. That's why the others turned after they were killed." He explained. "I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to put that burden on you all if I didn't have to."

We're all infected. The words hung in the air. I took a deep, shaky breath. So it didn't matter whether or not I got bit. One day, whether it be tomorrow or five years from now, I would die and I would become one of those things. There was no way around it. Suddenly, everything felt more hopeless than it already did. An argument was ensuing between the others and Rick, but I didn't want to listen. I walked away to the nearest SUV and leaned against it. A moment later, Carol was at my side.

"You okay?" She asked gently.

I nodded. "Yeah, just trying to wrap my mind around the idea that were all doomed."

"We are not 'doomed', Charlie. We're still alive, aren't we? And as long as we keep fighting to stay that way then nobody is turning into anything." She said.

I let out a sigh. "You're right, I know that…But it still sucks."

I saw her nod from the corner of my eye, but nothing else was said.

I was suddenly aware of Rick's voice growing louder. "You wanna go, no one is stopping you. But if you wanna stay then this is no longer a democracy. There's another place out there for us, we just have to find it. Now let's go."

For a second no one moved. Then slowly everyone dispersed towards the vehicles. Despite disagreeing with Rick's choice to withhold what he had learned at the CDC, I didn't plan on abandoning him or the others now. I hoped everyone else felt the same way.

I watched as Daryl turned and returned to his bike, dropping down onto the seat and revving the engine. I doubted he'd ask me to join him again, and honestly, I wasn't sure if I wanted to be that close to him after the argument that had happened between us. Instead I caught up with Maggie and Glenn.

"Hey," I said, getting the younger girl's attention. "Room for one more?"

She gave me a small smile. "Hop in."

We drove in silence for what felt like hours and hours. Rick was leading the way, although I knew that he had no idea where we were going. None of us did. While I had only lived on the farm for a short time, I think the others were still coming to terms with the fact that we were all homeless now. There was nothing to go back to. I sat quietly in the backseat, gazing out the window as we passed nothing much besides acres and acres of farmland. In the front, Glenn and Maggie were holding hands over the center consul. I wanted to say something to comfort her, but I knew there was nothing I could say to make up for the fact that she had finally lost her home to this shitty new world. I could only imagine what she was feeling.

Finally, though, our convoy slowed to a stop. It was dark now and I couldn't see much outside the car window. T-Dog tapped on the glass of the passenger window and Maggie rolled it down.

"Ran outta gas. Think we're just gonna camp here tonight." He explained.

"And sleep where? In our cars?" Glenn asked.

T-Dog shrugged. "Don't think we gotta choice, man."

Sleeping in a car was better than sleeping out in the open, unprotected. I was just thankful for the fact that we had cars. I was going to say this out loud, though. There wasn't a point in making Maggie feel worse.

I opened the car door and stepped out into the cool night air. Night was the best and worst time. I loved it because of how quiet everything was. If I closed my eyes, sometimes I could temporarily trick myself into believing everything was still normal. That I was standing in my parents' backyard listening to the crickets. It was the worst, though, because none of those feelings were true no matter how badly I wanted them to be. The truth of the matter was, night hid all the dangers that the daylight showed.

I stretched my arms over my head, feeling a little cramped up from the long car ride. The others were gathered on the side of the road in a small clearing.

"What's goin' on?" I asked Carl as I joined them. I recognized him first because of the sheriff's hat that sat on his head. I hardly ever saw him without it on.

"Dad and Daryl are making a fire." He said, pointing towards where the two men were kneeling on the ground.

I nodded. "Just like we're camping." I forced a smile and placed an arm around the boy's shoulders.

A few minutes later, a small fire was roaring away in the clearing. Someone was chosen to go on watch while the rest of us sat around the fire. Carl wandered off to sit next to his mother and settled myself in between Beth and Carol. Not much was said at first. I don't think anyone really wanted to acknowledge what a terrible situation we were in. What we needed was a distraction. At least for a little while.

"My parents tried to put me in girl scouts when I was a little girl. I probably wasn't more than eight or nine years old. I remember one of the first badges we had to earn was called the campfire badge. You just had to make a fire by yourself without any lighters or fancy lighter fluid. Just matches and whatever you could find in the woods." I began, breaking the tense silence. I could feel everyone's eyes turn on me, hanging on my every word. "Well, I decided I wasn't any good at campfires or girl scouts so I poured some lighter fluid into a little plastic ziplock bag and stuffed it in my jacket pocket, thinking maybe I could sneak it out and use it if I really needed to."

Someone chuckled from across the circle, though I couldn't see who it was.

"Anyways, it leaked of course. I didn't know that right away, though. I took off my jacket and set it down next to me and was just striking match after match after match, but couldn't get one to light. I finally got one to light and I was so excited that I just held it in my hand and was yelling about it. Then it got too hot and started to burn me so I dropped it…and it landed on my jacket which promptly went up in flames." I laughed. "Then it was just chaos. Everyone was yelling, the hem of my jeans caught on fire, the scout leaders were frantic. Needless to say I was asked to resign that day." I ended, grinning widely.

"Weren't your parents mad?" Carl piped up over everyone's chuckles.

I nodded. "Oh yeah, they were furious. They had to come pick me up and the entire way home we just sat in this awkward, angry silence."

"I remember that day."

My eyes shot up and searched the circle until I found Daryl, a small smile on his lips.

"I remember," He continued. "Because as soon as you got home, you ran over to our yard and you smelled like smoke and your pant leg was singed off at the bottom. You had this crazy smile on your face, though. You were so damn proud of yourself."

I was amazed he remembered me telling him that story all those years ago. I was more amazed that he bothered to bring up the fact the he remembered at all. It felt good, that he wanted to share that moment in our past. But just as quickly as it came, the feeling passed. Someone else started to tell a story and both Daryl and I fell back into silence.

Eventually, the fire started to flicker away. Sleeping arrangements were decided and Rick and Herschel decided to take over watch together. I drifted off towards the truck Lori and Beth had been riding in. I had agreed to squeeze in and sleep in the truck, so Lori could sleep more comfortably in the back of the SUV. I spotted Daryl just a few feet in front of me and hurried to catch up with him. I tentatively touched the back of his shoulder and he turned, his eyes showing the surprise of seeing me there.

"I…um.." I began as he turned to face me. I had planned on saying I was sorry about earlier and trying to make peace, but now that just sounded stupid for some reason. Plus, I wasn't sure if I really was sorry about what had been said earlier that day.

"What? You forget how to talk?" He asked sarcastically, raising his eyebrows. He nodded towards the truck. "Remember to lock those doors. I wouldn't put it past a walker to figure out how to open a god damned door one of these days." With that, he turned and walked away, leaving me staring after him. A breeze suddenly blew past and I shivered, realizing how cold the night had gotten. I climbed inside the truck, locked the doors, and laid down on the hard leather seat.