My Little Secret

In My Hands

Zoey Kingsley

I was officially missing the hell out of Jacob. Just as I thought I was moving on, he'd do little stuff to ensure that he was on my mind. He left little notes in my locker and on the window of my car. At first, I thought it was Naomi messing with me again but I knew Jacobs handwriting. It felt like I saw him way more often the normal. Its almost like he won't allow me to move on. Of course I want going to let him know he was getting to me, but he sure as hell was.

I was sitting in class thinking about the card that he left in my locker this morning. They never made sense, at least to me that didn't. They always only had three words on them and a single letter. I tried putting them together, but they still didn't make any sense so I kind of gave up. 

Today made my 6th card. "you out the" is what it read with the letter G on the back of the card. As tempted as I was to just go to him and ask him what it was all about, my pride wouldn't allow it. I even told Avi about it and she was clueless. Of course she was all about me just going up to him and asking but it wasn't so that easy.

I try not to think about the situation between Jacob and I, but that's nearly impossible. I try not to think about the chance that Jacob may have gotten Naomi pregnant, but it's nearly impossible.

The bell rung, releasing us for lunch. I went on to my locker so I could put my books away and meet Avi as usual.

"Can we talk?" I heard a certain someone say, which sent chills down my spine.
"About?" I continued fumbling around in my locker to avoid turning around.

"Us."

"There was never an us. There was a you and your feelings. I just got lost between the two." I was starting to get heated.
I heard him sigh. "There was an us, and your feelings were included. You know that."

I slammed my locker shut. "No Jacob, I didn't know that. If my feelings were included, you wouldn't have-"

"Don't even say it. Can you at least look at me?"

I turned around after rolling my eyes. What I saw, was my Jacob. My adorable, loving, caring, Jacob. What I felt, was hatred and boy, was it strong.

"Have you been getting my cards?" he asked me, looking me dead in the eye.

"Yeah- Jacob I have. They don't make any sense. Do you want them back?" I thought about what I said after the fact. It was a bit harsh.

"No, here." He handed me three more. "Did you see the letters on the back?"

"Can you just tell me what's it about?" I crossed my arms.

"Look, if you want to know, you'll listen. Now, there's letters on the back of them all. They spell something. Then you'll understand the message."

He started to walk away. "Jacob, this isn't elementary school. Whatever you have to say, say it."

He continued to walk. Aviana finally showed up.

"Took you long enough." I shook my head.
She laughed. "I saw yall. I didn't want to interrupt."

"You should've. I've gotten more a these things. I'm supposed to figure out some type of message. I don't have the time." I handed them to her and started walking off.

I knew she was a couple steps behind me.

"We'll figure it all out after school, if you want."

Yeah I wanted to. I wanted to know what it was ask about, but then I really just wanted the situation to die down.

Aviana tapped me in the shoulder. "You know you want to."
I let out a chuckle. "Oh, fine."

___

"This still doesn't make any sense." I was about fed up with these cards. I couldn't figure it out. I don't know if I was thinking about it too hard or what.

"Well it's supposed to spell something, he didn't tell you what. So, I don't know, maybe think about the first place he took you."

This was frustrating.  I don't even know why I was trying so hard to figure it out. I had no words for Jacob and could careless about this stupid little message game he was playing.

"G-Y-A-B-R-B-L-I." I called the letters out over and over again.

"What's his middle name? Is it that?" Avi asked.

I shook my head no.

"Ugh, I don't know. Did you guys have nicknames for each other or something?"

Well, we really didn't.. We called each other basic stuff. Jake, Ma, Baby, Babygirl..

WAIT

I stopped, after gathering my thoughts. I started switching the cards around.

Babygirl it was.

We had an extra card with a smiley face on it. I figured it either went on the end of at the beginning but I knew that would be easy to find out afterwards.

"I want to...fix us I...miss my babygirl...let me take...you out the...right way if...you're still not...impressed i'll leave..you alone"

I didn't know how to feel about it. Yes, it was sweet and I wanted to call him up at the moment and forgive him on spot, then forget everything that went down but, he knew that would happen. He probably thought that I'd run on back to him after this was all figured out.  I wasn't going to allow myself to do that. It would defeat the purpose.

"So, what now?" I turn and look at Aviana, who look so unbothered.
"I say you go. Whether you feel like it's pure bullshit or not you should go. At least so he can say what he had to say. You'll be able to take it as closure or see where you guys stand in this relationship- or whatever y'all got going on."

She made a point. I guess I could at least hear him out. He could sit there and be genuine or bullshit. I won't know unless I go. I don't know though. Just to sit there and even look at Jacob was hard for me this morning. Now he's asking me to be with him for a certain amount of time. I don't know if I'd be able to handle that considering that I'm still pressed about the situation.

"Fine. I'll go. I guess I'll talk to him tomorrow at school then we'll be able to go from there."  I laid out on my bed.

"He likes you girl. Trust me. He's just so used to his player ways. Without him getting over those, he'll keep fucking you over. You gotta make the decision if your actually going to be with him or not. No one can make it for you sis."

Needless to say, what happens from here, was in my hands.