Finding Her

Chapter 9

If I ever had to look at my family from the outside, I would wonder if we looked as happy as we felt. Things were progressing with the wedding, my mom's illness was finally reacting to chemo. Things were looking up for us. The nagging feeling of something bad happening eventually dissipated. I had my family, and, hopefully, none of them were going anywhere.

"Darling, will you help me with my zipper?" Alana called from the bathroom.

"Of course." I zipped her up and kissed her bare shoulder. Today our daughter was graduating and I couldn't be happier. I didn't have to miss it, I wouldn't have to look back at this moment in photographs. Finally, I was doing something right. "You look stunning, baby."

"So do you." She turned and smiled as she fixed my tie. "You should really start practicing on you tie tying skills, I won't be able to do it all the time."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe I just like it better when you do it." I joked.

She laughed, "Yeah, right, and I'm a Eskimo penguin."

"A very beautiful Eskimo penguin."

She laughed harder, "You're such a dummy, Alex."

I smiled and kissed her cheek, "Anything to make you smile, Lana. Now, let's go before we're late."

Graduation was louder and more crowded than I had expected. There were people everywhere, all trying to talk over each other and for a moment it reminded me of being in lockup - just without the violent outbursts. It was hard to focus.

Alana nudged me and excitedly pointed, "There she is, Alex!"

I followed her finger to find Alexa, donned in her decoration cap and gown. She was radiant with excitement and I never felt more proud. My little girl was graduating high school with honors. How fucking awesome was that?

We sat through Alexa's amazing, powerful speech and the excited screams of each child's family and the occasional air horn. It was beyond exciting that we couldn't help but scream when they finally called her name. She held her head high and proud. She worked hard for this, this is exactly what she deserved.

"You did great, kid!" I exclaimed as I hugged her tightly. "I'm proud of you."

"I was insanely nervous." She admitted.

"I couldn't tell." Alana and I said in unison.

Alexa giggled, "Well, I didn't screw up my speech and that's always a major plus. Can we get something to eat now? I'm absolutely starving!"

"Sure thing, baby." Alana said with a smile.

We continued our conversation on our way to the car, their laughter filled me with joy every single time. We kept talking on the drive to Alexandra's favorite Italian restaurant, Penne For Your Thoughts. Alana and I decided that one glass of wine for Alexa wouldn't be so terrible since it was a big day for her and all. It was actually pretty amazing food, to be honest. Best Italian I'd ever had in my thoughts. I suppose its safe to say that if the restaurants name is a pun or a play on words, it's probably going to be fantastic.

"That was fantastic." I sighed as I leaned back in my chair. "We should definitely do this again."

"I second that."

"Me too!" Alexa agreed.

Once we got home, we all settled into bed. I laid there and thought about the last few years of my life. Alana did a fantastic job of raising Alexandra without me, what if we had one together? Would they be smart like their sister or would they end up like me?

"What's on your mind, baby?" Alana asked softly as she slid into bed. "You look a thousand miles away."

"Just worried."

"About...?"

I sighed, "Just... What if when we have another kid they turn out like me?"

"Like kid you or like now you? Because, honestly? You're definitely not who you were back then. You've grown into this amazingly wonderful man that's come so far. Plus, it's kind of too late to worry about "if's."" She smiled shyly.

It took awhile for it to sink in. But, boy, when it sank in, it hit hard. I breathed, "You're pregnant?"

She nodded slowly, a soft grin spread across her face, "Yeah, I found out last week."

"Holy crap." I whispered, my eyes growing wide. "I actually get to be a dad?"

"Yes."

I kissed her hard, my heart pounding in my chest. We would finally be a family in the right and proper way. I'd be able to watch this one grow up and I'd be there for them. "When are you due?"

"November second."

"Wow, that's not all that far off." I gaped in shock. That means we only had six months to plan. Okay, maybe it won't be so bad. Breathe, Alex, breathe. We can do this.

"Alex, we have plenty of time. Plus, I still have a lot of stuff from when I was pregnant with Alexa." She said soothingly. "I'm pretty sure the girls will end up throwing me a baby shower to get the rest of what I need."

I nodded slowly, shock still coursing through me. "R-Right. I'm just glad I can be here for this one."

"Me too, baby. It takes a lot of stress off knowing that I have you this time. Having Alexandra was hard, especially since she looked so much like you." She confessed, "It hurt."

"I wish I hadn't been so stupid back then. I should've been there for you "

"Shush, the past is the past, Alex."

"And it has every ability to shape the future."

Alana paused and frowned, "It didn't ruin yours in the least bit. You got a second chance, that's more than what most inmates get. You get to be here now, to watch this one grow into the beautiful person it's meant to be. Isn't that good enough?"

I sighed, "You're absolutely right and it is good enough. I just... I feel like I let Alexandra down by not being here." I confessed.

"Oh, baby... She's just happy that you're able to be here for her now and that you want her. That's what means the world to her." Alana stated matter-o-factly.

"She told you that?"

"She did. The day you showed up. Now get some rest."

I nodded and relaxed, holding my beautiful fiancée close to me. I'd never let this go or take it for granted. My teenage years were full of stupid mistakes that were never going to happen in my adult life. Alana and my children would have me one hundred per cent and nothing can change that.