Diamonds & Pearls

Diamonds & Pearls (32)-Freedom of Body, Peace of Soul

Previously in Diamonds & Pearls:

"Kiss me."

"Daleela, please don't say things like that." He groaned as if he were in pain and his eyes stayed closed as if to restrain himself. I could feel his body trembling under my touch. "I'm not as strong as you think."

"Please," I almost begged. Please take away my pain, I thought as I pushed away every reasonable thought that tried to surface. That was all it took for his eyes to open and see the begging in mine. He leaned down and brought his warm soft lips to mine. I sighed into him and grabbed a fistful of his shirt to pull him closer. We kissed each other like that kiss was the only thing keeping the both of us alive. It was desperate and it was needy and it drowned out our sorrows temporarily. My spine tingled and my body felt like it was made of jelly. He felt like a drug I not only couldn't shake but truly didn't want to.

  The pain was gone and I was numb. As his lips moved against mine, I sincerely thought it was gone for good. How foolish was I to think all of the pain I felt before wouldn't return tenfold? It turns out, as I would soon learn, that I was very foolish indeed.  

Before You Read: Hey guys! Quick reminder here! If you're delaying a prayer right now to read this story, stop whatever you're doing and go pray! Don't let anything take you away from Allah. Especially not this story. Now if you're all prayed up, go ahead and enjoy this chapter.

Diamonds & Pearls

CHAPTER THIRTY TWO-Freedom of Body, Peace of Soul

   Cole pulled away from me suddenly and I opened my eyes, feeling slightly dizzy, almost like I was intoxicated. His brown eyes held guilt in them as he stood quickly. "I shouldn't have done that. This isn't how I want to be with you and you've told me many times that this isn't what you want either. So why are you doing this?" He asked, his deep voice unsteady. My eyesight was getting fuzzy around the edges but the confusion and hurt in Cole's eyes woke me up. I dropped my eyes in shame, what I had done really sinking in..

   "I just...I wanted to feel something other than pain. I'm tired of hurting and Cole, to be completely honest, you're the only thing that has gotten me through this and I need to continue to get through this. I just have to get through this okay." I admitted, my voice shaking in my chest.

   "So you're just using me then, is that what you're saying?" Cole huffed, shaking his head as if he felt dumbfounded.

   "Cole, that's not it. I just, I don't know what I want anymore, okay. I don't know how to deal with all of this. I don't understand anything that I'm feeling right now and I'm just trying to..." I stopped speaking, unable to make my actions seem logical....because they weren't logical.

    "Trying to what Daleela? Because all this feels like to me is you running away from the truth. Using me to numb your pain doesn't work for me and it won't for you either. I refuse to sit here and be used especially when you already know how much I care about you. I know before we were held captive we were talking about being together but not like this. I will not sit here and aid you in destroying the girl I love. I'm sorry." He said sternly before rising to his feet. With his back to me he spoke once more. "This isn't you at all. I really think...I think you should talk to someone."

And with that, Cole quietly slipped out of the room and it was almost as if he had never been there in the first place. I sat completely still for a long moment in silence. I felt so completely overwhelmed with emotion to the point where I could do nothing. I couldn't understand myself or why I'd just done any of the things that I had. No matter how deeply I searched within myself, I couldn't justify any of it. All the feelings I felt before had come back tenfold the moment Cole's lips detached from mine. All I could add to those feelings was the pain I now had after realizing that I had completely dismissed everything I believed in morally and spiritually because instead of seeking solace in my Lord during a weak moment, I sought refuge in a guy. The realization of how badly I'd screwed up my own goals hit me like a truck.