Ignitable

Ignitable - Chapter Five

Sophia...

Lying in the hot bath, I swish the steam all around with my hands; watching how it airily weaves in and out of my moving fingers before disappearing into thin air. Staring at the dancing steam, does little to drag my thoughts away from what I did last night. My very sober self is now feeling so ashamed about it.

What was I actually thinking?

Who in their right mind accepts to sleep with a man they have only just met?

Yup, that would be the ridiculously stupid me!

Oh god, does this mean that I am now a total hussy—an heartbroken hussy? I didn't exactly make it hard for Cade to get into my knickers, now did I?

I am, aren't I?

I'm an absolute hussy.

I know that.

And so does Cade now know that.

I honestly cannot believe what I have done. I honestly can't.

No matter how long I soak in this hot bath, it's not going to soak away all that I am feeling—ashamed, embarrassed, regretful and dirty—it won't wash away how disgusted I am with myself right now. I wish I could blame the chardonnays and the champagne, but I can't.

I had a one night stand because I was flattered. Cade had flattered me. So I had sex with him. As I breathe in heavily, the anger then hits.

I am angry with Paul.

I am angry with Cade.

And a whole lot angrier with myself.

Yesterday, Paul put me in a place that felt dark and lonely. When he unexpectedly dumped me, he pulled the stable ground right from beneath my loyal feet. For him to just turn around and tell me that I had become needy and predictable, just because I had dared to even raise the subject of possibly moving in together; was cruel and unnecessary on his part. Right now, I am still hurting. But I am also loathing all that we ever shared together—and everything that Paul has become. He obviously never gave a shit about me. Otherwise, he wouldn't have finished with me in the callous way that he did.

There was no warning.

No trying to talk things through.

He just came to the shop and told me it was over. That he wasn't ready to settle down with me. That our relationship had become too comfortable and that I had become needy and predictable. His words were truly gut-twisting to hear. But lying here in this bath, going painstakingly over it all, I guess I really should have seen it coming. His very wary reaction to the whole 'shall we move in together?' thing last week, really should have forewarned me that something was fundamentally wrong in our relationship. But I ignored it. I figured it was Paul just being Paul. He has always been a bit of a carefree soul, you could say it was part of his appeal. Paul worked hard as a commercial vehicles mechanic and played even harder. He was into parachuting out of planes and rock climbing. He was more at home with his feet off the ground and looking for the next adrenaline high. At first, I loved his vivacious appetite for life, but I often wondered whether I would ever permanently be enough for him.

Obviously, I wasn't.

You could say, I wanted to hurt Paul by sleeping with Cade. But I've only ended up hurting myself. I've only made myself feel far more worse than I already did. And that's completely down to me. I was the one who willingly went home with him and I was the one who willingly slept with him. I got completely caught up with how wanted Cade made me feel. He had caressed all of my insecurities and soothed my aching pride.

Intoxicated, it seemed like a really good idea.

Sober, it most definitely wasn't a good idea.

So no matter how angry I feel with Paul and Cade, I am far more angrier at myself. I could have said no. I could have chosen to not go with Cade, but I did, because for one night, I didn't want to be me. I wanted to act like someone else. And the dark and attractive stranger, helped me do just that. The way Cade had looked at me, it was more intoxicating than the Chardonnay I was drinking. He was a sophisticated man, a man who oozed wealth from his very suave pores. From the moment I first looked his way, I knew that he was a man who usually got his own way. I wanted to challenge that. I had just been dumped and this guy was wanting to be with me. I found that not only surprising, I found it exciting. So I played along. The more I played along, the more attractive Cade became. And he really was attractive. Off the scale, attractive. The more relaxed I felt in his company, the more I started to look at him. In a certain light, his short and dark brown hair had gentle ripples running through it. I remember thinking how cute they were on such a distinguished guy as him. I also studied his alluring profile—soft and shapely lips, a straight and masculine nose and a bone structure that wouldn't be out of place on the cover of GQ—Cade was, undeniably attractive.

But it was his enticing green eyes that pulled me into his daring web. Those gorgeous green orbs of his were mesmerisingly something else. Even now, his dominating stare upon me is something that I'll not forget in a hurry. In the whole time that I was with Paul, not once had he looked at me in that electrifying way. And it was that electricity between us that coaxed me into going with Cade. One night stands have always left a bad taste in my mouth, but this was a one night stand that appealed on so many levels. Cade walked the walk and talked the talk, so charismatically well. He wanted me and it made me feel incredibly good. And at that lonely time, I needed to feel that way. Cade was giving me something that Paul had taken away. Even after we had slept together, he continued to give me that. He had held my hand and kept his body close to mine. But as soon as Cade fell asleep. I couldn't. I laid there, thinking about literally everything.

In my tired and insecure mind, I had convinced myself that I was a slapper, that Cade would wake up thinking the very same. So as soon as he fell deeply asleep. I slipped out of his bed and slipped out of his life. I just knew that I couldn't face him again. What happened was something I had never done before. And it was something I never intended on doing again. So I called a taxi and went home. The closer I got to home, the more ashamed I felt. After only a few hours of restless sleep, I decided on a long and therapeutic bath before work. So here I am, submerged in the hot water and still trying to drown out the perplexing thoughts that occupy my stressed out mind.

I suppose today is a new day and all that. Saturday's are usually pretty busy, so as drained as I actually feel, at least my mind will be kept occupied. And occupied suits me just fine.

Because then, I'll not be thinking. Thinking is absolutely off the cards today. Thinking, can actually go and do one.

I don't want to think about last night.

I don't want to think about Paul.

I don't want to think about Cade.

His name can now be nothing but a bitter memory upon my lips.