Top 10

Top 10 lies that parents tell

Hater: She said she’ll upload in a couple of hours, but it’s been a whole day! Throw tomatoes, potatoes and bricks at her! She’s a liar!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Lay down your weapons! Allow me to explain with this accurate role-play.

Me: (Cracks knuckles) Finally! Now for the next chapter!

Dad: Oi, get out, kid. You’ve been hogging the computer for eternity now.

Me: But Dad!

Dad: Kiss my ass.

So, of course, I listen to my dad because at the end of the day, he can take away my meaning for life AKA my beautiful phone.

I mean, I let him have the computer… I didn’t kiss his ass...

Anyway… Here are the top ten lies that parents tell their kids:

1. “Eating chocolate will give you pimples.”

Nope. Not true. Eating chocolate might make you fat or feel happy, but it doesn’t affect the amount of pimples anyone gets. Believe me, I’ve been eating chocolate for over ten years now and my skin is flawless.

Hater: You look like a witch suffering from wart-attack, you little lying rat.

2. “When I was your age, blah, blah, blah.”

Mum: When I was your age, I studied more, I always got good grades, I wasn’t so picky with my food and I actually had to go to the library to do research because I didn’t have the Internet to do it.

Me: (Yawn) I’m sorry, what?

3. “We can buy that next time.”

Me: Hey, Mum. Can I have it?

Mum: Maybe next time.

*10 years later*

Me: Hey, Mum. Can I have it now?

Mum: Maybe next time.

4. “Santa Claus is watching.”

Mum: If you don’t behave, Santa Claus won’t give you any presents this year!

Me: But I thought you said Santa Claus wasn’t real?

Mum: Uh… well, you see… Shut the f**k up!

5. “Going to College or University is your only chance at success.”

Again, this is simply not true. Taylor Swift, Naomi Watts, Will Smith and many other successful people never bothered finishing college. Abraham Lincoln didn’t even go to college, but taught himself to become a lawyer through reading and later became the president.

College, my ass…

6. “You can be whatever you want to be.”

Yeah, sure, if that’s the case, I’ll quit my day job and become a singer!

(Crowd is booing and throwing forks at me as I sing my heart out)

Hater: For a blind dog’s sake, stop screaming like a hyena.

Me: I’m not screaming! I’m singing, jerk!

Hater: Wow… You make Rebecca Black sound a musical paradise.

Me: I’m not that bad…

Hater: You can’t even make it with auto-tune!

7. “If you make a silly face, it’ll get stuck like that.”

This one is definitely not true. I’ve always been deranged and when I heard this, I actually wanted it to come true. Trust me when I say that I’ve dedicated half my life pulling faces and hoping for it to get stuck… but it never did.

8. “If you sit too close to the TV, you’ll go blind.”

I suppose there is some truth to this one because if you did sit with your face touching the screen, you’d only be able to see blurry pixels, which I guess makes you feel kind of blind. Besides, who the f**k cares? No one watches TV these days anyway!

9. “Mum and Dad know what’s best for you.”

Dad: You’re not allowed to watch that. Too much violence!

Me: Dad! It’s Wreck It Ralph!

Dad: See? That’s why you’re always breaking my things. Stop breaking my things!

Me: Dad-

Dad: Shut the f**k up.

10. “You’re beautiful.”

Now I know that beauty can be on the inside and that different people can have different opinions about what’s considered beautiful, but we can’t ALL be beautiful otherwise beautiful would be another word for ‘normal’… So I think this is actually a good lie that parents tell their kids, unless you have parents like mine who prefer to tell it like it is.

Me: Hey, Mum, do you think I’m beautiful?

Mum: No! You look like a monkey!

Hater: True that.

Vroom! Vroom! Voila! Hope you enjoyed!

I think monkeys are adorable. Don’t you?