Discovering Spencer

22. Never have I ever.....

I have survived a week post Logan and by survive I mean barely putting on a brave face to get by.

The seconds, minutes, hours and days were insufferable. I couldn't sleep, eat or even properly dress myself; on Wednesday I wore this hideous Christmas sweater with a pair of hug boots so you see how low I've sunken. In hopes of trying to get him out of my mind I immersed myself in school work which helped a little but still that wasn't enough to distract me.

Something was happening to me, I called it the Logan effect. It didn't matter what I was doing or where I was everything reminded me of him. It also didn't help that we went to school together and we shared a class. The whole lets be friends' thing wasn't working for either one of us. Every time we ran into each other it was an awkward fest.

The hellos and goodbyes were tense and forceful, at times Logan would just grunt my way without even looking. On some days he just ignored me, he'd walked past me like I was invisible. I understand he was trying his best to cope but giving me the third degree was just plain rude.

This of course was not good for my poor, poor heart. I had reverted to my nervous wrecked self. Whenever Logan was nearby my entire body knew it and my heart rate would rise steeply. The anticipation of seeing him was enough to cause me to faint and when I did see him I'd get disappointed because nothing ever happened.

I kept wandering if there's a term for this.

I was the one who broke up with him. I was the one who made the sole decision to go through with it without the influence of others. I chose to do it and I explained why I had to do it and I felt good about it, so why was I feeling this way. Why did Logan still had the same hold he had on me?

"You still want him," Quinn told me as she sped through a yellow light after I've explained the whole thing to her.

"No way!" I quickly shot her theory down.

"Yes way, Spencer. You know it, I know it and I'm pretty sure Logan knows it."

She made a right turn onto Harris road entering my neighborhood.

"It's totally okay to have left over feelings for someone after breaking up with them it's part of the process." She went on to say. "You probably think about him all the time even if you don't want to but your mind can't help it. You dream about him and when you see him you feel a sudden urge to run into his arms."

She was right but I wouldn't dare admit that to her. Quinn has been more on the Logan side of things since we broke up. She's told me countless times that I shouldn't have broken up with him and gave me the spiel about how everyone deserves a second chance. I've listened to her over and over again and it was getting to a point where it became tedious.

I get it, she cared and I like that she cared because what kind of friend would she be if she didn't but it was my relationship and how I chose to end it had absolutely nothing to do with her. It hurts me a little bit that she kept taking Logan's side as if I wounded him so deeply that there was no way he could ever bounce back. She was overlooking the fact that I was the one getting hurt and I was still hurtful that Logan was acting like a total jerk towards me.

"I don't think about him at all," I lied.

Quinn scoffed. "Liar."

I didn't reply back. Whatever I said Quinn was going to twist it and turn it around to make me feel worse.

"There is one way you can clear your mind of all this."

"I'm not going to Jamie's party tonight!" I said almost yelling.

Since Monday Quinn has told me about this party that's taking place at none other than Jamie White's house. She told me it would only be a small group of people going and not a huge party but I told her no because I know better.

A- There would be an excessive amount of drinking and smoking going on

B- Logan would there. I was already forced to see him at school, I was not about to take our little awkward fest outside school grounds. So I'll take staying home for 200 please, Alex.

C- My parents especially my dad wouldn't allow me to go.

My dad knew about Logan and I. Did I tell him the truth nothing but the truth, so help me God? No I did not. I didn't exactly lie to him either. I just told him that Logan was someone I liked but before it could go anywhere I had to put a stop to it because I realized how different we were. He brought it of course but he didn't let it go without giving me a warning.

"You know the rules, Spencer. If you want to date your mother and I have to meet him first." He had said. I wished I had listened when they initially said then maybe I wouldn't be going through all this.

Not only did he let it go with a warning he promised he wasn't going to tell mom. She, unlike my dad would make a bigger deal out of it and my dad knew that so he said this will be kept between us. I was elated when he told me that and I vowed to myself to let my parents in the know when the next person came along. I doubt that'll happen anytime soon especially now since I was still not over Logan.

"It's not going to be a huge party," Quinn said parking in front of my house. "Just come, it'll be so much fun if you're there."

"I wish I could Quinn, but I can't." my eyes landed on my mom's Honda Civic. She was home and she would be home the entire weekend.

I hop out of the car as Quinn began to pout.

"See you tomorrow," I waved before walking away.

She mumbled something before taking off, her little car screeching as she made her out of the neighborhood.

When I unlocked the front door and slipped inside the house I found my mom traipsing downstairs with a small travel bag in her hand. She looked radiant with her hair pulled back, she wore a pair of dark blue jeans, a simple white blouse and high heeled boots. I repeat my mother was wearing high heeled boots, she never wears heels. She said she never feels comfortable in anything higher than three inches but here she was today in what looked like five inch heeled boots. Did I miss something? Where was she going?

"Hi, sweetie." She gave me a small peck on the cheek.

She placed the travel bag at the foot of the stairs then headed back upstairs. I followed suit, a million questions looming in my head.

"You look nice," I said checking out her boots again. They were brand new and expensive looking, very expensive I might add. "Where are you going?"

"Your father, Todd and I are going to see your aunt for the weekend."

I followed her into her room. "In Hartford?"

"That would be it." She walked inside her bathroom. I dropped my bag in front of the bed and followed her again. I stood in front of the door watching her do her makeup.

"When did you guys decided on that?"

"This morning after you guys left for school." She said as she evenly spread the base to her make-up.

"Oh," my tone dropped an octave lower. "When are you guys going?"

"As soon as your father picks Todd of from school." She applied blush to her cheeks.

"So you guys didn't think to ask me?"

"Well I figured since you hate the long drive you might not want to go."

I did hate the long drive, especially getting stuck in the back seat with Todd who'd try to do anything to get under my skin but still it would be nice to be asked.

"Oh wipe that look off your face, Spencer. You'll be fine here, Sophie will stop by to check on you."

Sophie, my mother's fifty something year old older sister. I highly doubt Sophie will make time to check on me, it's the weekend she was going to be on the prowl in search for her next husband or too busy drinking the remaining years of her life away.

"You're right I'll be fine," I said stepping away from the door. "I'll be too busy studying I won't even notice y'all are gone." I shout as I walked out of her room.

This was it, my free ticket to go to that party tonight. I still didn't want to see Logan but I really didn't care about that anymore because I was not going to spend Friday night alone at home studying and I sure as hell wasn't going to be miserable letting this break-up eat away at me. It was time to start living and stop existing.

When I got to my room I sent Quinn a quick text telling Quinn to come by and get me tonight.

♥♥♥



Walking inside Jamie's house I felt a new level of discomfort I've never felt before. Just knowing Logan was somewhere nearby made me want to run back plus there was the wardrobe factor.

I was not wearing my own clothes. Tonight's outfit was provided by Quinn Marie Stewart. I had on a bustier dress that was so tight up top it felt like it was cutting off my air circulation. In addition to the dress she lend me a pair of black ankle boots and lace net tights. I felt impossibly.....

"Cheap," a tall African-American girl said walking past Quinn and I.

There was a blond girl trailing behind her texting at the speed of light.

"She doesn't look cheap, Amber." She said eyes fixated on her Iphone still texting away. "She looks sexy chic."

"More like slutty chic," Amber said and they both burst into laughter disappearing into the next room.

I felt so self conscious I wanted to run to a dark corner and crawl out of my skin. Quinn on the other hand had different plans in mind. She dragged me to the kitchen for a quick drink.

"None for me, thank-you." I said refusing to take the bottle of vodka out of her hand when she handed it to me after she took a long swig.

"You need a fucking drink," she said eloquently placing the bottle in my hand. "You need to loosen up a bit."

I reluctantly took a sip and immediately regretted it. It burned my throat as it traveled down my insides. I placed the bottle on the kitchen counter coughing my lungs out.

"It taste awful," I said still coughing.

Quinn thought it was amusing that I didn't agree with the deadly liquor began laughing like a little school girl. So what I wasn't a drinking pro like her.

"Would you like a beer instead?" She asked.

I nodded emphatically. "No, no beer."

"Suit yourself." She said moving past me. "I'm going upstairs."

I grabbed her hand stopping her midway.

"Don't ditch me, Quinn."

I vividly remembered the last time I was here she left me all by myself to go upstairs to get high with a group of stoners. Later that night she told me she felt bad and apologized for it but here she was about to repeat the same thing.

"I'm not ditching you, I promise. I'm just going to say hi to Jamie then I'll come back."

I quirked an eyebrow, not believing her for one second.

"I'm being honest, Spencer." She said defensively. She inched closer to me and whispered, "Plus I'll find out where Logan is so you won't run into him."

"Fine," I agreed, only because it involved Logan.

A run in with him would be beyond awkward and uncomfortable. What would we say to each other? The hellos and goodbyes worked at school but we weren't at school tonight, we were at a party and if we crossed paths we'd actually have to, like, talk. No, no, that couldn't happen. That was one scenario I was trying to avoid; so before Quinn left I told her to locate his whereabouts so I could steer clear of him.

I stood in the kitchen for a while, I was all by myself. It was just me and the bottle of vodka. There I was on the brink of a nervous meltdown because of some guy. I was beyond pathetic at this point. I grabbed the bottle and took two quick swigs back to back. It left the same effect it did the first time I drank it but at least it was taking some of the edge off.

After feeling a little bit better I joined the living room crowed. People were milling around dancing and talking as some terrible remix of Somebody that I Used to Know played over the speakers.

Millie Coleman, a senior in my in French class was dancing with Joanna Kiker, my former lab partner from Chem. I. They were wearing very short skirts and revealing tank tops, dancing all over each other displaying a very sexual scene. They clearly understood how to drive the boys crazy. A few of them stopped to watch, their jaws were dropped so low as they were obviously enjoying the way Millie and Joanna's dance jump started their imagination.

Joanna who was a little curvier than Millie had her chest heaving up and down. She was swaying her hips provocatively at Millie, almost challenging her. Not one to be outdone by Joanna, Millie began running her long fingers along the outline of her breasts. She then lifted the hem of her tank top as if she was about to take it off, teasing her male audience. They all groaned loudly when she didn't proceed with the taking off of her shirt.

"That's quite a show." Someone said from behind me.

That voice.....so deep and so seductive. It had to belong to one person and one person only.

"Nathan," I said brightly, turning around to meet his steel blue gaze.

He was wearing that infamous mischievous grin on that perfect Greek god like sculpted face of his.

"Hi," he said sliding his hands into his pockets.

I wanted to return the greeting but I was at a loss for words. He was in regular clothes, the first time I've seen him out of his uniform and he had on dark fitted jeans, a light blue tee, black jacket over it with the sleeves rolled up. It was quite a view and I wanted to look at it all night long.

"Hi, I finally said awkwardly.

I hadn't seen him since I ran into him at school and that was a week ago. What was he doing here. This wasn't the Kennedy Prep scene....but then again I hadn't the slightest clue what his scene was.

He was looking over my shoulder. "You should go and join them."

I turned to look at the vulgar scene Millie and Joanna were still displaying. Joanna was grinding against Millie, practically dry humping her.

I guffawed at his suggestion.

"No, thank-you."

"Why not? They could use the upgrade."

I felt my face getting hot. Please God do let me blush embarrassingly in front of him. I prayed and prayed but I knew my cheeks were flushing pink.

"How are you?" He asked changing the subject.

"Good," I said but I wasn't good. "I'm okay." I smiled weakly.

"How's the boyfriend?"

Woah, he wasted no time jumping right into it. Was I giving something away. Did my face say " currently-recovering-from-what-was-supposed-to-be-an-amicable-break-up-but-turned-into-a-nightmare"

I sighed heavily deciding whether or not I should tell him the truth.

"We're not exactly together anymore." I went with the truth.

"Oh," he said impassively. "His loss."

My heart pounded at his words.

Lights by Ellie Goulding began to play. I had a sudden urge to dance with him. I never want to dance, I was never good at it. In my mind I was the best dancer in the world but in reality I couldn't catch a beat to save my life but here I was wanting to dance with Nathan. What was he doing to me?

"Spencer," Quinn bellowed from the top of the stairs. She was waving at me frantically gesturing me to come up.

"I have to go," I told Nathan.

"See you around," He smiled. Last time when we departed I thought I wasn't going to see him again but clearly I was wrong. I knew this time around things were different, I'd see him again. Something was happening here. Something I couldn't explain.

When I turned to leave I could feel his gaze burning into me so I turned around for a second and his eyes were glued on me. I felt butterflies dancing inside the lowest pit of my stomach.



♥♥♥



Upstairs the light wad soft and the mood wad mellow. There was a small group of people in the seating area talking and laughing. There were different bottles of alcohol and shot glasses on a small table.

Quinn nudged me towards the crowed. I recognized a few familiar faces but didn't really know anyone besides Quinn, Jamie and Margo. Logan was nowhere in sight which prompted me to ask Quinn where he was.

"He's sulking in Jamie's room," Quinn whispered.

I felt a twinge of guilt. What have I done to him? Have I single handedly broken this man? All of a sudden I wanted to find him and alleviate the pain I've brought him. We could talk if he wanted or stay silence. But I knew well that it didn't work like that. Everyone needed time to heal alone.

I join Quinn on one of the couches. She was super excited about something. Was she high?

"We're gonna play never have I ever," she announced.

She was high. There was no way I was about to play a drinking game. I got up to leave only to sit right back down again when Logan appeared out of nowhere. I felt my heart thundered in my chest.

He was clad head to toe in his favorite color, black. He looked a little lethargic and broody. I watched him took a seat next to Julia Hart, he didn't even bother blinking my way.

"You guys know the rules," Quinn said loudly. "Someone will say never have I ever and if you've done it you drink and if no one drinks then the person who ask the question will drink." She explained all too enthused. "Since this is Jamie's party he will go first."

"Alright get your shot glasses ready," he hollered. "Never have I ever caught my parents doing it?"

"Good one Jamie," a thin framed blond guy said and high fived him. They cheered waiting to see who was going to take the shot.

After a few minutes of silence a blonde girl with pink streaks in her hair took the shot. Everyone erupted in laughter, some said "gross" or "eww that's nasty" while the girl, Natalie was her name, explained how it happened.

The game went on for a while with the most absurd questions, people took shots, they screamed and laughed. I didn't really care about the stupid game because I was too busy looking at Logan not looking at me.

Things got interesting when it got to Margo. It was her turn and she asked; Never have I ever had sex while my parents were in the next room?

"My shot!" A voice boomed from downstairs. In just a few seconds Jeff, Margo's ex-boyfriend Jeff__ or so she says__ emerged upstairs with Nathan beside him.

My heart was in frantic mode. Nathan and Logan were in the same room, at the same time with me in it.

"It's Dystopian boy," Quinn cheered and I jabbed her on the side with my elbow. The loud "ouch" she yelped caused Logan to look our way. Our eyes met simultaneously and I blinked and looked away quickly.

Jeff shifted around us making his way to the table to get a shot.

"Take one too Margo," he said burping after taking his shot. A few people laughed, must have been the Kennedy Prep crowed. Margo just rolled her eyes ignoring him

"My turn," Jeff said. "Never have I threw up after kissing someone."

"Oh whatever Jeff," Quinn said downing a shot of Tequila. "He had bad breath and in my defense it was a dare."

"You still did it," Jeff laughed.

I hadn't the slightest clue what they were talking about. It must have been something that occurred before I was friends with Quinn. A few people were laughing drunkenly even when Quinn announced that it was her turn.

"This ones gonna be good," she winked at me deviously.

Oh no this wasn't going to be good. What the hell was she about to asked? I pinched her before she said anything but that didn't stop her.

"Never have I ever," she began slowly annunciating every word. "Wanted to kiss Spencer right now."

As soon as the words escaped her mouth I felt a cold blow hit my chest.

Everything that happened after seemed like it was happening in slow motion, like a scene from a movie, something you couldn't believe was happening to you.

I watched Logan's eyes lit up as he reached for a shot from the table and from the corner of my eyes I saw Nathan coming over to the table to get a shot for himself.

Logan drank his first followed by Nathan. The crowed was completely silence. They both became aware of the situation at the same time. They looked at me, Logan's menacing hazel eyes sent shivers down my spine and Nathan's dark daring blue eyes caused a lump to rise in my throat. They looked at each other, glaring was more like it, sizing each other up then they turned to me again.

"Threesome," Jamie yelled laughing uproariously.

I could have died right then and there.