One New Message

9

"Hey, it's Kalani. Sorry I missed you, leave a message and I'll call back as soon as I can, bye!"

Silence. All around me is silence. Silence and darkness. It makes me feel like I'm about to disappear into it. That's why I called you. Well, reason one: I miss your voice and I've gotten into the really bad habit of calling your phone, listening to your message and then not speaking until I get cut off, and reason two: you're the only person who can comfort me during the silence, because you're the only person who knows how much I hate it.

I'm watching Kalani as she makes us pancakes, just like the morning after every sleepover. Except this one is different. With this morning after, I'm nursing the worst hangover while wondering whether or not my best friend remembers kissing me the night before.

I don't understand how she wouldn't be able to remember it. It was the best kiss of my life, but I guess that's me being naive in thinking that I would be her best kiss too. Stupid.

She didn't act any different towards me when we woke up wrapped in each other's arms. She mumbled something about getting painkillers and water, and then I was left alone in her bed, replaying last night's events. After that, she called me down for breakfast and told me to have a seat while she gets everything sorted. Same as always.

I haven't said a word, I feel too embarrassed. I guess in a way it's good that she can't remember because then what have I really got to be embarrassed about? But at the same time, I'm pissed off that she can't remember because she's the one who kissed me, she's the one who got my hopes up thinking that she shared the same feelings I did. So now I'm mad and I haven't said a single word to her all morning.

"Coffee?" she asks in her usual cheery voice, looking at me with her usual morning smile.

I don't smile back, and instead just nod my head. Maybe drinking coffee will stop her from trying to have a conversation with me.

"I can't believe how much we drank last night" she laughs while pouring the black liquid into a cup. "I can't remember anything after that last shot."

'That's great for you Kal, really great' I think to myself, but again I say nothing and quickly take the cup of coffee from her, bringing it to my lips.

Moments of silence pass by and before I know it, my coffee is gone. I look up to find Kalani staring at me with a look of confusion.

Don't ask me what's wrong. Don't ask me what's wrong. Don't ask me wh-

"What's wrong, Dem?" she asks, and I fight the urge to roll my eyes and scream that she's what's wrong, that she's the reason why I'm feeling like this. But I don't. Instead, I shake my head and stare down at my cup.

"Did I say something stupid last night? Is that why you're not talking to me? Because if it is then I'm sorry. I really can't remember anything, I'm sor-"

"You didn't do anything stupid. I did. Just forget about it okay? I feel like shit and just want to go back to bed" I finally say, unable to hear her tell me any more about how much she doesn't remember, because last night is something I could never forget about.

"Okay, then lets go back to bed alright?" she says in such a small voice that I actually feel bad for being so mad. It's not her fault she can't remember it.

I slowly nod my head, not wanting to make my headache any worse, and follow her upstairs and back into her room. We both crawl back into our sides of the bed, and I immediately shut my eyes as the feeling of tears forming start to hit me.

She doesn't remember.

I still get mad at myself for how I treated you that day, especially given the circumstances now. I wasted so long being pissed off at you for something that wasn't even your fault, when I could have spent that time having fun with you, watching lame movies and laughing at nothing. I wasted time that I only wish I could get back again.

I'm sorry for that.

I'm tired so I better go now, I'll call you soon. I still miss you, Kalani. Sweet dreams.