One New Message

7

"Hey, it's Kalani. Sorry I missed you, leave a message and I'll call back as soon as I can, bye!"

I don't hate you. I'm sorry okay? I didn't mean to say that, I'm just angry that I wasn't enough for you to stay. Please don't hate me for that.

I've been trying to fight my sadness, because I know it's what you would want me to do. I force smiles and fake laughter a lot, hoping that it will eventually become real. But anytime somebody says something comical and I laugh, I find myself looking around to see if you think it's funny too. If you're laughing too. But you're not there. I'm reminded that you're gone and then I feel guilty for laughing at all.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how I should have paid more attention to you and how you were really doing. There was the incident in the bathroom, but we never really talked about it again. It was like an unspoken thing I guess, and I figured you'd know to come to me since I told you I'd been through it. But looking back, it was me coming to you for my own reasons. I was selfish.

Part of me knew I was selfish, even then. And I did try harder when you finally broke down to me. Again, technically I was coming to you, but you did let me in.

Something's wrong. I can feel it. She hasn't been replying to my texts or answering my phone calls. I didn't know what else to do but go over to her house and see her in person.

Her mom greeted me in the same cheery way she always does; hugging me, saying it's nice to see me again before ushering me up to Kalani's room. I respond the same way; hugging back and saying it's nice to see her too. Except this time, there's more urgency to my steps as I walk up the stairs. My gut is telling me to walk faster. I listen.

I find her wrapped up in blankets, sobbing into her pillow. Rushing over, I pull the covers away from her body so I can lay beside her, causing her to wrap her arms around my waist, holding onto me for dear life as she cries into my chest.

"Shhh, it's okay I got you, I'm here" I whisper to her while stroking her hair, letting her cry out her pains.

I could tell she was feeling down, and I know college applications and college rejections have been stressing her out. I just didn't realise how much it was getting to her.

"Talk to me, Kal. Please let me in.." I beg with her after minutes of silence and tears.

We sit upright, and I take her hand in mine for some support and comfort. I watch as she fiddles with the sleeve of my top. It's a nervous habit of hers; fidgeting.

"Come on Kal, it's me. I'm your best friend, you can tell me anything" I say softly before tucking her fallen strand of hair behind her ear. She takes a couple deep breaths, and I patiently wait until she's ready.

"I'm just sad all the time Dem. And I don't know why. I get that I've been through shit with Jason and college and stuff, but I have a good life. I don't get why I'm like this" she cries, and I automatically pull her in for a hug.

"Don't blame yourself for this. It's not your fault and it can happen to anyone. Depression can happen to anyone Kal, remember you even told me that? You'll get through this" I respond before pulling away from the hug to make eye contact with her.

God, she looks crushed. Defeated. I hate seeing her like this. She should always be smiling. Always.

"You will get through this" I say more sternly while making direct eye contact, and she responds with a small smile and a nod.

"Anything else you wanna tell me? You know you can trust me" I say while grabbing her hand in mine again.

I can tell that she's fighting with herself, so I give her hand a gentle squeeze.

"I don't know how else to tell you so I'm just gonna say it, but please don't hate me" she cries, causing her chin to tremble as she tries to keep her composure.

"I could never hate you, Kal" I reply before readjusting ourselves so that we're now laying side my side, still holding hands.

"I'm gay, Dem. I like girls. I thought that maybe dating Jason would help me, but it just made me know more. I'm gay Demi"

I lay there, silent. My best friend is gay. I don't feel any hatred. I don't feel any disgust. Love is love, and there's nothing wrong with loving the same gender.

"Demi, please say something" she pleads, and I quickly turn my head to face her.

"I'm proud of you" I say, smiling as I pull her in for a hug. "I'm so proud of you, and I don't hate you. Not one bit. I love you, Kal" I whisper, holding her as she starts to cry again.

That night is one that's hard to forget. You didn't get through it, and I feel like maybe that was my fault for not giving good enough advice or something. I should have told your parents and got you a doctors appointment. I don't know why I didn't. But it's too late. It was a night of heartache but also pride. I was so proud of you for coming out, I know it must have been scary. But you did it, and I'll always be proud of you for that.

I have to go again, but I'll call you soon. Bye, Kalani. I still miss you.