Vampires Suck

Prologue

Vampires suck.

Okay, ha-ha I know, nice pun, huh?

But in all seriousness, they are so overrated.

And it all started with Bram Stoker's Dracula. I know, I know, he doesn't exactly make the view of vampires as super-amazingly-awesome or anything-still, that novel began the start of the "vampire romanticization" period that has yet to end. Then came Anne Rice with her Interview with a Vampire series that became a classic throughout the world, and then other authors with their "vampire erotica." Isn't even the thought completely gag-worthy?

It wasn't until 2005, however, that the real culprit to blame for all of this vampire-craze nonsense came about.

Stephenie Meyer.

Because of her freakin' Twilight books, which turned them from monsters into nearly perfect beings whose only character flaw is that they sparkle in the sun, she got young women and even just all women in general swooning for them around the world.

Swooning, and obsessed.

And since Twilight, people have just never been able to shut up about them. They wrote about them nonstop in young adult and adult novels with whatever plot line they could think of that hadn't been taken already, because they knew chicks dug that "forbidden love" shit.

As if it wasn't already bad enough, someone thought it would be a good idea to start making shows about them. At least "True Blood" and "The Vampire Diaries" are are based off of novels like aforementioned, but "My Babysitter's a Vampire"? I mean, seriously Disney?

Not to mention music. Thank God none of Vampire Weekend's songs are actually about vampires or else I might just have someone shoot me now.

The reason I mention all of this is because it all boils down to one major thing.

It's because of all of this romanticizing crap that the inevitable happened:

The vampires actually came out.

Real, honest-to-goodness vampires.

Yeah, I know. Holy shit, they were real this whole time? Well, apparently. And apparently, they'd been hiding out and keeping secret for God knows how long. But when they started to hear about the "romanticization" of their race going on in the modern world, what were they to do? It was practically like we were begging them to come out already.

And when they did come out, how did we humans take it? Actually I have no part in this "we," so make that a everyone-in-the-human-race-but-me "we". Anyway, to answer that question, I'll just ask you another question:

Considering everything that I've already ranted about so far, how the hell do you think we took it?

If your answer was: we pretty much forgot about the fact that they drink blood to live and treated them like fucking movie stars-then DING, DING DING! We have a winner!

I suppose it's because they pretty much fit all of those vampire romance novels' stereotypes put in one, except of course only the "good" stereotypes. For one, they were so goddamn gorgeous, they pretty much put every supermodel to shame. Also, they apparently didn't have to drink human blood, they could drink animal blood-hell, they could even eat human food and still be able to think it tasted good so long as they'd had their dose of blood earlier.

And then there was also the "can't walk in the sun myth." According to them, that was exactly what it was, a myth. They could totally walk in the sun-they could even live their whole lives active during the day if they wanted, which most vampires chose to do after they came out. The only reason that myth started was because, before they came out and they could just buy blood at the local grocery store, or it was socially acceptable to simply ask humans if they'd be kind enough to offer them their blood, they liked to hunt primarily in the night. 'Cause I mean it really wouldn't be the best idea to approach (or attack) someone in broad daylight, take their blood, and then just go about your day without there being consequences. Especially not when you look like a Greek god and anyone could recognize your gorgeous face anywhere. So it supposedly was just the most logical thing to do to mostly just go out during the night and sleep during the day; true predator status right there.

Finally comes the last reason. Supposedly, when doing the nasty, a single bite from them was "completely orgasmic." (Okay, now that seriously made me throw up a little...) So I suppose it isn't completely a wonder that-no joke-almost everyone within a mile radius practically swooned wherever they went. 

If you're wondering why I apparently hate them so much, there are a multitude of reasons. Admittedly, not all of them actually make sense, some may even argue that they're prejudiced. However, they're my opinions and I sure as hell won't change them for anyone else.

So, without further ado, the list goes as following:

1. I was immediately turned off by the vampire craze as soon as everyone jumped the band-wagon. Sorry to sound like a hipster, but there is nothing more boring and unoriginal than being a fan of something (or someone) that almost the whole world is crazy about, especially when that something has nothing to contribute to society except great looks and huge egos.

2. They drink blood. I can barely even handle looking at blood, but drinking it, too? And think about the people who actually have relationships with them. I mean, what if they could taste the blood they'd drunk earlier during one of their make-out sessions or something? Eck.

3. (And this is really what it all comes down to) They're all conceited, arrogant bastards who think they can do anything they want and get away with anything just because they're vampires and everybody loves them.

So call me a jealous, spiteful bitch (though I can assure you, I'm definitely not jealous! A bitch, however...), I couldn't give a damn, especially since everyone at school already thinks I'm one. And speaking of school, because the fact that I don't love vampires like everyone else isn't exactly a secret, I've become practically the social pariah hated by the entire student body. It doesn't help that the most popular guy at Lake Woodlands High School is also a vampire.

But like I said, I don't care what they think. I'm not ashamed to be me.

Which means that I am not ashamed to say that I, Diana Louis, may in fact be the only human on Earth who thinks that vampires suck.