Equilibrium (Grey's Anatomy Japril Fanfic)

Chapter 14

FEBRUARY: One Week After Shooting

"Mommy!"

Jackson's eyes shot open at the sound of his daughter's cries from her bedroom. She was having another nightmare. Before he could turn to wake April up, she was already up and out of bed, heading out their bedroom door. He groaned as he pushed himself up and slowly lifted his elevated bad leg off the pillow it was on. He turned on the bedside lamp so that he could easily find his crutches that were leaning on the wall close to the bed. With the help of it, he steadied himself before getting off the bed and slowly making his way to his daughter's bedroom.

Lydia was safe now, no longer in harm's way. So, you would think the daddy guilt would be gone by now. But here he was, slowly walking down the hall, feeling useless. He couldn't even get up from his bed fast enough to sooth her without being in pain.

He finally made his way to Lydia's now lit room, and took a seat at the foot of her bed. The little girl was wrapped in April's arms, who was comforting her by stroking her hair and whispering "I'm here, mommy's here"

After the shooting, sleeping in her own bed wasn't an option for Lydia. She was convinced that sleeping in her parents' bed made the nightmares go away faster. That night, they had encouraged her to sleep in her own bed, thinking it might be the best thing. She was against it at first, but agreed when they promised they would stay with her until she fell asleep. But just like every night after the shooting, she had a nightmare.

Seeing the sheen on her forehead, and her defeated look reminded Jackson of himself after the Gary Clark shooting. He too had nightmares. Ones where his friends were alive and he was the one that was dead. He now knew that what he felt then was survivor's guilt. He never talked about his nightmares to anyone, and thought Lexie was the only one who knew. He was sadly mistaken when April blew the roof off his secret when their teasing about her still being a virgin backfired. He remembered how he felt when he had those nightmares, and knew it would be even harder for his six year old daughter.

As April continued to sooth his daughter, he surveyed the room. It was spotless, exactly the way April left it the night before the shooting. His daughter wasn't the messy kind, she would just forget to put her toys away when she was done playing. The clean room didn't mean his daughter all of a sudden remembered to put her toys away, it meant she just didn't play with them anymore.

For the past week, Jackson watched as the outgoing, talkative little girl he met at Alex's house began to fade away. Gone were her animated stories about her imaginary unicorn and her favorite teddy bear. There were no more snide comments or disgusted looks when her parents showed some sort of affection towards each other. Her love for books, reading and school were gone. All the things that made his daughter herself and seemed overbearing, was gone. Jackson wished she could be overbearing and "extra" again, he missed his little munchkin.

He brought his attention back to Lydia and April. The crying had stopped, but she was still awake and afraid. He got himself more comfortable, lifting his injured leg on the bed. It was going to be a while until she fell asleep and a long while before she felt better to sleep in her own bed again.

___________

Alex stepped into the Attending's lounge and looked at the fellow parents.

"Looks like I'm not the only one looking like crap again" he commented, taking in their tired looks

Callie observed everyone for the first time since stepping into the room. She was thinking so much about her daughter that she hadn't noticed the identical defeated expressions on their faces.