Dear Diary (May's Diary)

June 9, 2013

I hate her.  I hate Ava so much it's hard to grasp.  I hate her for liking George.  I hate her for lying to me about it.  I hate her for treating her boyfriend like crap, and then blame me for him breaking up with her.  I hate her for accusing me of liking her boyfriend, but not even having the guts to accuse me to my face.

I hate her for thinking I was the only one who had anything to apologize for!  Because one stupid text can hold up to months of lies, and years of "I'm better than you"s.  (Note the sarcasm.)  It's not like I'm the real bad guy here.

And then the icing on the cake was when she said "I thought you were my friend, but obviously I was wrong."  I keep wishing I'd replied "No, you didn't.  If you'd ever considered me a friend, you would have trusted me, and known me well enough to know that I'd never like my best friend's boyfriend.  I have standards, and I have ethics.  I actually understand the girl code."

And it makes me so sad to think that after one of the longest friendships I'd ever had, it ended so badly, and I wish it hadn't  I'm going to miss her, because no matter how much I hate her, I keep reminding myself that I didn't hate her two months ago.

I need to stop thinking about this.

I wish I'd written about this a few days ago while these thoughts were still in my mind.  You see, Trevor and I got to spend a little time together on Wednesday.  Of course, by the end I hugged him.  Later, Jocelyn told me that the look on his face had been beyond happy.  When I hugged him, I almost didn't let go.  I don't know why, exactly, but I nearly started crying.  I guess it was everything lately, plus the final exam week blues. (Sophomore year is over!)  When I finally let go, I turned to walk away, and he said "It's been too long."  I smiled, nodded, and left.

So I spent the next few days thinking about it.  (Well, sort of.  You see, I thought I'd see him Thursday night at a mutual friend's party, but he didn't show up, so I started hanging out with this other guy, Ivan, who is kind of my dream guy, except for the fact that he's fourteen.  :() And so when I saw Trevor, OI had planned on pulling him aside and saying what was on my mind.  But the thing is, when I saw him on Saturday, he was having a bromance with a friend (to say the least).

So, just as usual, I saw him one night, and thought I was in love, and then the next time I saw him, I realized just how wrong I was.

And I just found out that he has referred to our "relationship" as a complex one.  My friend jysr said that a couple weeks at church he openly said that a song reminded him of "[his] complex relationship with May Wilson."  I think I need to have a talk with him about that.  I think I should just tell him that I need him as a friend and nothing more.  That I would hate to lose his friendship, because it's the only bright point in my life right now, but I can't handle any more than that from him right now, and probably ever.

Basically, what I've been saying all along about how he's wrong for me, and I'm wrong for him, and we both owe it to ourselves to find other people who are better for us.

I'm tired, so goodnight!

-May