Troubled -A Part of Dark like Me.-

*24* Happiness

My father smiles. "That is awesome, Allyira. I will call them in the morning to let them know."

"Alright. But, I would like to see Bradly before I go." I compromise. I don't want my brother to think I just up and left him there.

"We can do that tomorrow." He tells me with excitement dripping from his tone.

I hope I am doing the right thing for myself. It is hard to be selfish, to me it is. "Thank you." I say going back up the stairs to find my mother on the sofa watching television.

I try to sneak pass her but. . .

"Allyira, come here." She shouts even though I am a few inches away.

I stand in front of her but not to block the television. "Yes, ma'am?"

"Are you going to do the dishes?" She asks me.

"Umm...I can." I say hesitantly.

"Get to it." She demands pointing towards the kitchen.

I sigh tiredly and go into the kitchen, look into the sink. There are no dishes. I look in the dish washer, still no dishes. I look in the cup boards, they have all been put up on their place.

"I don't hear the water running!" My mother shouts from the living room.

I don't know what to say or even do since there are no dishes in the sink. It seems as though the more she drinks the more she forgets or becomes delirious. I run the water in the sink to fill it up and put dish soap in the sink; feeling like a fool for trying to even wash pretend dishes. I stop the water and lean against the counter. Caroline comes in the kitchen with Greyson in her arms who is wide awake.

"Mind holding him for a while? I have to pump and he won't let me alone to do it." Caroline asks sleepily.

I take Greyson and Caroline sighs and sits at the table. I coo at Greyson and his hazel eyes peer at me. Caroline gets her kit out from under the table and sets it up.

"Why is there water in the sink and no dishes?" Caroline asks me while she begins to pump milk.

"Mother wanted me to do the dishes. But, there are no dishes in the sink. Then she yelled at me talking about how she does not hear the water running." I whisper just so Caroline could hear me.

Caroline laughs, "Yeah, I am more convinced that she needs to go to that Rehab more than you do."

"Me too. But, I am sure that Father has offered it to her and she did not take it." I bet as much.

"More thank likely not. You'd think she'd want the help after passing out naked on the front lawn of the next door neighbor's house last month."

I burst out laughing as does Caroline. We could never erase that from our minds. "That was funny when they turned the sprinklers on and she jumped up howling." I am going to miss this, the late night talks Caroline and I have.

Once Caroline is done pumping she takes Greyson and gives him the bottle. I let out the water in the sink.

"Are you scared?" Caroline asks rocking Greyson a little. His eyes grow heavier.

"Yes, more nervous than anything else, though." I admit. "I just hope that it is as good as Mary Lyn makes it out to be." I do not want to go there and feel like a trapped and caged animal, if I do then I am really coming home. Or running away.

"I wish I could go with you. Did dad say when?"

"No, but I am hoping it's next Monday so I can get a start on some things that I need to get done." I say with real excitement in my voice mixed with a little fear.

"Yeah."

"Well, I am going to my room. See ya."

Caroline smiles tiredly as Greyson finally goes back to sleep. "Okay.

Once up to my room, I close my door and break down into tears. Just the stress of everything that's going on is beginning to weight heavily on me. How am I going to fair without my dysfunctional family? I am not so strong. I look at myself as I limp to my bed through my full length mirror.

Sighing, I take my sleeves off, grab a razor, it shines in the light of my room. Looking at my right arm that is full of cuts of every variety, I switch to my left arm that still has a few empty spaces. Sitting in my usual spot, I begin to release my pain and a huge relief of euphoria washes over me. My heart races as do the blood down my arm, my eyes roll back as I continue to make a few more cuts down my arms and across it. The euphoria I feel is so amazingly overwhelming, I make one more cut then black out.

~p< vw