Broken, Imperfect

Chapter 24

A/N: possible trigger warning? The little astriks(*) mark the sections.

Austin's PoV
Even after Alan left and my dad had talked me through it, I couldnt help the terrible thoughts that swirled through my mind. I had sat there, staring at the holes in my walls and wondering why this had happened to me. I wanted to die. I thought I could truly trust him to never leave my side. I thought he was the one. Nobody else could ever make me feel the way he did. I loved every single fucking inch of him, and he dropped me like some unwanted dog on the side of the street. He just up and left like it wasn't even a big deal. I was in love with that stupid fucking boy and he didn't care.

I knew he only did this because he felt bad for me. I fucking knew it, it just hurt a thousand times worse because I forced myself to believe him. I wanted it to be real so terribly bad that my mind conceived it to be so. And that was tearing me apart.

I barely slept that night and the next morning, while dad was away at work, I just sat in my room not even considering school and I just say there. Sooner or later I began to cry. I wasn't sobbing or sniffling. *I just stared at our shattered picture and tear after tear rolled down my face because I couldn't find it within me to hurt myself.*

*I always wondered why people would actually consider hurting themselves or even worse killing themselves, but for the second time in my life I was able to quit wondering because I knew. I understood why they felt the need to tear themselves apart or disappear forever because anything was better than what was going on. It doesn't MATTER if things get better next week or even tomorrow. It's how you feel right then. So what if it gets better? That doesn't just stop he lain you're feeling at the time. And that's why they did it. Because they didn't care about their tomorrow or next weeks. They were too focused on the pain that filled them right now. That's how I felt. I didn't care if tomorrow was better. Right now my life was a living hell and I had nowhere to turn and that's exactly why I found myself contemplating suicide.*

I fell asleep early that morning with these thoughts still in my mind, but my slumber was short lived as my phone rang.

I picked it up and said a sleepy hello, but as soon as I heard that stupid fucking voice, I hung up. Alan. Fuck I hate his name. I hate him.

But I didn't. I was still in love with him. He just hurt me. A lot. And I hated how I felt. I hated that anybody could make me feel this way.

My phone dinged with a voice mail and then again with a text message.

I growled and picked it up, reading the message.

"Austin please just read this. I'm begging you.

I didn't want to break up with you. I swear I didn't. Please believe me. Josh, he threatened me. He was talking about how he could ruin me. And you. And Aaron and Phil and even Tino. And I was so scared. I have the screenshots to prove it even! I can't do this. I was trying so hard because I'm so scared of what could happen. But I don't care anymore Austin. I swear I don't. He said that he knew things that would make you hate me, and I believe him but at least you'd have a reason, and we wouldn't be left like this. I'm sorry. I talked to Oli, and he told me that he had no idea Josh did that or that he ever would and I just. I didn't want us to be like some romance movie where I wait for you to find out, and it's just so much drama and blah blah blah. I don't WANT that Austin. It's only been like one day, a little less. I hope and pray it's not too late because I don't want to do this without you and God I hope you believe me. He can ruin everything. I don't care. As long as I know that I was honest with you. As long as I know that you loved me all the way until he ruined it. Because having you hate me for a real reason is so much better than how I feel right now.
You told me never to talk to you again but I can't do that. You're my world. When it comes down to it, you're all I have and all I'll ever want. Please let me fix this. I know I've never fucked up this bad before and I swear I never will again. It was a spur of the moment thing. Please Austin. Please."