“Ah in a minute” He said shakily
“No. NOW” I demanded, smashing my fist against the door
I don’t know why I was so urgent; I just had a bad feeling.
“I don’t think you should come in” he said softly
“Michael, what did you do?”
“I I thought you weren’t ever coming back and I… I didn’t want to come back” He said through the door
“I told you I’m not leaving. Let me in”
He slowly unlocked the door but didn’t open it; I turned the handle and pushed lightly, the door slowing creaked open to revel Michael, huddled in a corner on the far side of the room.
“Michael….” I said slowly
“Don’t look at me”
“Why?”
“Because I’m a mess. In every sense of the word”
I took small, tentative steps toward him. Partly because I was scared of what I’d find and partly because I was scared of him. As I approached him he huddled further into the corner, pulling himself into a tighter ball. I took the final step necessary to reach him and extended my arm, lighting touching his shoulder. When I made contact he opened up, emotionally and literally, opening his arms and allowing me to embrace him.
I hugged tight before pulling him back and inspecting him fully, from top to bottom. His messy brown hair, his glassy red eyes, his lips slightly ajar. His arms….His arms, red from the blood of fresh cuts.
He noticed me staring and immediately hid his arms behind his back and apologised.
“Don’t say sorry to me. It’s not me you’re hurting”
“I thought you had had enough and left, I didn’t want to be alone”
“Were you going to….?” I didn’t think the sentence needed an ending
“I don’t know” He whispered, looking down
I decided not to press the subject and went to get a bandage from the kitchen for him. After I had cleaned him up we made our way into the bedroom. Molly was out with Luke again….
Michael sat on the end of the bed while I lay down. It was awkward and tense, just when I thought we were sorting things out.
“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked, breaking the silence
“I’d rather not” He said “I just want to be here, with you”
“Why am I so important to you Michael? Why would you take your own life because of me?”
“Because you’re all I have left Ebony! If you were to leave, I’d be completely alone. I’d be lost” He said, still sitting on the edge of the bed, not looking at me
“But I’ve told you, I’m not leaving”
“You will. Everyone leaves sooner or later” He said as he crawled into bed next to me
We lay together, in the cold, dark silence. It’s seemed that ending the day like that had become a regular occurrence.
I woke a few hours later because Michael had been squeezing me tight.
“Don’t leave” He mumbled “Please, I can change!”
It broke my heart a little, why couldn’t he just accept that I was staying?
“Shh, I’m not leaving” I soothed as I snuggled into him more. He fell silent and I drifted back to sleep.
The next morning I woke to a sleeping Michael, I quietly slipped out of his grip and went to have a shower. But he stirred and sat up, “Where are you going?”
“I have school today…” I explained
“Oh…Please don’t go. Can’t you just take one day off?”
I instantly felt guilty, what if it was a repeat of yesterday? “Yes of course! I’ll stay home and we can cuddle and watch TV all day. Okay?”
“Okay” He smiled and pulled me back down onto the bed
We cuddled for about half an hour, just talking about stupid things, before I decided we better get up.
“You hungry? I’ll make bacon” I offered
“Yes please!” He said cutely while wrapping his arms around me from behind
He didn’t let go of me the whole time I made breakfast. We sat next to each other at the small rectangular table and ate in silence. It wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable, it was nice. Everything seemed fine again.
We watched a few episodes of SpongeBob before I finally couldn’t hold it in anymore “Michael, why did you cut yourself? Please don’t do it again” I blurted out
He just looked at me kind of shocked. “I...I don’t know. I didn’t want to feel that feeling anymore. I didn’t want to feel anything anymore”
“But you’re okay now right?”
“Better”
“Is it me?” I said and instantly regretted, I sounded so desperate!
“No no no! No, it’s me, really”
“Why do you think I’ll leave you?”
“Same reason that last three girlfriends left. I’m annoying and needy”
“You aren’t! You’re just going through a rough time and I understand that”
“You have to say that! You’re living with me”
“I don’t have to say anything! We’re dating and I honestly believe with all my heart that you’re amazing!”
“SHUT UP WITH YOUR LIES! I DON’T WANT TO HEAR THEM, I DON’T WANT TO HEAR YOU” He screamed and ran out of the living room and upstairs.
I don’t know how to deal with this, he seems fine then he just snaps! I was frustrated with myself, why did I have to bring it up? But at the same time I was concerned for Michael, he wasn’t handling his mother’s death well and he was pushing people away. I was scared.
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That was deep. Like Becoming Youtube deep.
Hi! thanks to people voting and commenting. i lik u :)
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