Love Defined

Part 21

Chapter 20

A combination between a depressed and worried sigh escaped my lips for the third time that day. I stood over the counter in my mothers' kitchen as I continued to absentmindedly stir the red velvet cake mixture that was going to be used for the final layer on the Apollo's twentieth wedding anniversary cake. They were a sweet Italian couple who stayed next door to my mother's house. As true of Italians, their wedding celebration was going to be a large family gathering with some of their family arriving from Italy to join in on the festivities. I was thrilled to be playing a small part in their celebration by creating a four tier cake worthy of the powerhouse couples' approval.

With it being nearly three weeks since the robbery, my time had been split between visiting the store and baking up a storm at my mothers' house. I couldn't believe that it was already August and; if things had worked out for me then I would already have an open store, reservations were coming along nicely and we were already making fast improvements. My client list had grown over the past three weeks; all thanks to a little girl named Abigail and her princess party.

For once in my life, things seemed to be looking up. I no longer felt as though my store was a failing dream, destined to burn at the seams and destroy everything I am. Instead, now I could see my dream as a reality, a reality filled with cookie dough, sticky toffee, caramel syrup, strawberries and raspberries and the richest and tastiest chocolate brownies. I wanted that life; to be surrounded by the fruits of my labour and to know that I wasn't a total failure in life.

I was doing something right.

Things were good, life was good. Well, life was almost good. I had everything I had ever wanted come true or at least it was heading in the right direction but; for the first time ever, I was wanting something new. I was wanting something I never thought I would ever want for; something I had pushed away for as long as I could remember.

I wanted more. I wanted relationships.

I didn't just mean a romantic relationship. I had come to learn how valuable friendships are and most importantly, I had come to learn how necessary they are. I had realised how far I had pushed people away and it only took someone pushing me away to realise how much it hurt.

I missed Scott.

I hadn't seen Scott in three weeks.

I hadn't heard from Scott in three weeks.

He has ignored me ever since I told him the truth about Thomas.

It hurt. It hurt a lot.

Scott did the one thing I was most afraid of. He heard my story and he left me. He finally understood my coldness towards love and instead of accepting that I was damaged goods; he treated me like the same piece of trash Thomas had. He had been silent that day as he drove me back home. I had watched him with tears in my eyes as he fell into his car with a blank expression and left me; without a second glance.

I called him.

I texted him.

I emailed him.

I even drove to his apartment.

He wasn't home. He hadn't been home for three weeks.

He hurt me. He left me.

I didn't know why it bothered me so much but I know it did. I felt like my very breath had been yanked out of me when he drove away. I felt as though my heart; which had begun to slowly warm, had been stabbed until it stopped beating and remained the frozen piece of flesh it was. I cried more in the three weeks than I did the day Gabe had explained Thomas's plans to me ten years earlier. I cried more than the day I discovered my mother had lied to me most of my childhood. I cried more than the day Nana had died earlier in the year.

Scott not only hurt me by leaving but he destroyed me. I wasn't myself anymore. I was a shell of the person I used to be. I was the one thing I never wanted to be.

I was weak.

My baking had taken the biggest hit from Scott's departure in my life. Sure the cakes rose but, did they taste fluffy and soft? No, my cakes were dead of life. They were a resemblance of me and I hated it.

I didn't know how to change it though; how to fix myself or my cakes.

My only solace was Phillip. He had been my rock. He had been a friend.

He had been my replacement for Scott.

He called everyday without fail. At eight in the evening; right before I went to bed, Phillip's voice would be the only thing I would hear in my quiet room. His voice would be the last thing I heard before I fell asleep.

As if hearing my thoughts, my phone rang. I looked to the wall clock and saw that it was already eight which meant Phillip was making his routine phone call.

"Hi Phillip," I answered quietly. I stopped my mixing and quickly found a seat at the kitchen table.

"Hey sweet cakes, are you feeling any better?" Phillip asked quietly and I cringed. He knew something had happened to me but over the past few weeks, I had been too chicken to tell him what. I was afraid of what he might think of me if I had told him about Scott and that I was mess because he wouldn't return my calls.

I didn't need to appear weak to two men, one was enough.

I sighed and played with the tablecloth on the table. "I'm okay. I'm busy baking."

"But it's so late?"

"I know but I couldn't concentrate earlier and I kept messing the recipe up. It's the last tier I'm making and I need to get it done today so I can decorate tomorrow."

Over the past few weeks, Phillip and I had progressed in our friendship. He had a way of calming me and making me open up to him in a way I had only ever been able to do with Scott. Phillip knew more about me than anyone I worked with and even my mother.

Scott still knew me the best and it hurt.

"Why couldn't you concentrate?" He asked.

"Too much on my mind," I answered.

He sighed heavily and I could hear the frustration in his breath. I knew my vague replies were draining him. He had offered a listening ear on more than one occasion but I just couldn't get myself to open up fully. I knew it frustrated and saddened him that he couldn't help me.

In some way, he was a lot like Scott. I suppose that was my reason behind developing the friendship with him. In some way, with Phillip, I felt like I was with Scott. They both were gentle, funny and caring. They both pushed to always help me and they hated when I declined the help.

"Listen sweet cakes, I want to help you because it kills me to hear your sweet voice sound so broken. Please tell me how I can make it better. How can I help bring my girl back to life?"

My lip trembled at his words and I felt the burning of tears behind my eyes. I wanted what he was offering but I had lost all strength. I had no more fight in me.

The only man I ever trusted had deserted me.

"Hearing your voice helps," I offered.

"But not enough right?"

I hung my head and laid it in my hand. Slow tears dripped down my cheeks and made tiny puddles on the tablecloth.

"No not enough," I whispered as I finally gave in to the tears.