Love Defined

Part 15

Chapter 14

"Baby, are you okay?" The voice was a soft whisper but it wasn't enough to break through the numbness that had overtaken my body. I continued to rock on the floor, my arms wrapped around my knees and my head hiding in my lap. I had been in that position since I left the store after Javier; none so subtly, told me to go home. I wanted so badly to ignore him and just go crazy making changes to fix all the damage to the store and maybe, getting lost in the scents of my delicious desserts.

I had made it halfway to my house before I realised that the last place I wanted to be was alone in my tiny apartment. I made a rash decision and turned around heading towards a house I knew would bring me much comfort. I knew where the spare key was and it hadn't taken long for me to push my way inside. Almost instantly, the events of the day hit me with such force that my knees buckled and my body fell in a heap of dread and desperation.

I had been on the floor ever since and if my timing were accurate; it had been that way for four hours. I didn't care; I couldn't care about anything anymore because now I had nothing.

I had no store, I had no money; I had no more time and... I had no Scott.

"Sweetie, can you hear me?" Again I heard the voice and though; my body seemed to recognise the voice; my brain had failed to make the connection to which the voice belonged to. I held my ears and pushed them flat against my head, blocking out the sounds. I could feel a panic attack happening again.

My head pounded and my heart sounded like a muffled jackhammer in my ears. My breathing was fast and short and I could feel my head getting lighter. I could feel the whisper of a touch on my shoulder but I made nothing of it until I saw a paper bag being shoved in my face. I grabbed at it greedily and placed the top against my lips and began breathing in and out of the bag. It helped and eventually my breathing slowed and my head hurt less. My vision started clearing, enough for me to make out the hunched over figure that sat in front of me.

I hated the heartbroken and concerned face that stared back at me. I hated that I put that look there and that because of me, they were panicked.

I took a deep breath in and put the paper bag on the ground by my feet. "Thanks mom." My voice was soft and croaky and it hurt more to hear than it did to speak.

She smiled softly at me and silently wrapped her arms around me and held me tight. "Keep breathing baby girl." I did as she said and after about five minutes, my body fell lifeless against hers. I always felt so drained after an attack, especially one as bad as what I had just endured. My mother was the first to pull away and when she did, she quickly held my head in her hands and kissed me on my forehead. I loved the small moments when she showed me affection. My mother hadn't been all that comfortable with it when I were a kid; part of it had to do with my pushing her away but, at least things had now changed.

"So," she said after some time, "Do you want to tell me what led to the attack and why you aren't at work?"

"I have no work," I mumbled. She looked confused so I elaborated. "We were robbed. Javier thinks it was one of his temps that did the job; either way, I'm stuck with a hollow building encased in graffiti and no way of completing my orders. I still have rent to pay for the building and my apartment and no income. I'm screwed. Everything I've worked my entire life for is just falling through my fingers. I hate it, I hate it all! I can't control anything anymore and it's making me lose my mind. What am I supposed to do? Do you want to know the worst part? Scott hates me and I don't know how to make him feel better because the reason we're fighting is because I was honest with him. I can't change who I am and I hate that he can't accept that."

I had finally cracked. It was official, I was losing my mind. I found myself screaming and flailing my arms around like a woman crazed and on a war path. I no longer sat hunched on the floor instead; I had risen to my feet and began pacing the room as I mumbled to myself under my breath. My mother stayed quiet though, I could feel her eyes assessing me as I stormed in a circle around the room.