Love Defined

Part 12

Chapter 11

His kiss was slow, tantalising and every bit as toe curling as a kiss should be. My skin burnt every where he touched and my body felt alive for the very first time. Kissing Scott was an experience I could never imagine and it was an experience I would gladly pay for over and over again. His lips tasted of salt and butter and I instantly craved popcorn. When his tongue brushed mine my body would spring from the sparks that set off from his touch. I couldn't get enough of his kiss, his taste, his touch or his smell.

I was hooked and it was very wrong.

I had pulled away from him so fast that I almost fell backwards from the sudden dizziness. I needed air and I needed for the cloud of emotions that fogged my brain to disperse. Scott's eyes remained closed for a moment and I found myself stiff and in shock at his relaxed smile and blissfully soft face. It hurt more that he seemed so happy from just a kiss.

Slowly his eyes opened and he stared at me with eyes wide of adoration. His signature and knee trembling smirk was nowhere in sight and, instead his mouth was wide open in a show stopping smile that had my dead heart suddenly pounce with an excited beat. I couldn't take his look of pure happiness anymore.

"Wow," Scott's breathless comment on our shared kiss had my stomach in knots again, except this time dread threatened to twist my colon like a dry pretzel.

I kept quiet, it was better that way. I couldn't speak. I was afraid if I opened my mouth then the words I knew I had to say would come pouring out.

"Say something please," he begged and the panic in his eyes was enough to tear me apart.

I shook my head and without a second glance, I sprinted away from him. I could hear my name being called over the crowd, I could hear his desperation and concern whistle along with the wind. It was too hard. The tears came before I could even attempt at stopping them. My throat hurt and my eyes burned as my body finally gave in to the pain I was putting myself through. It was too much, even as I got further away from the festival and towards my awaiting car, I could still hear his loud and heart wrenching cries as he desperately searched me out in the crowd.

He deserved answers; he deserved courage but, I had learnt a long time ago that I possessed neither. I don't know what had come over me at the kissing booth. I should never have allowed him to get so close, for his lips to ever reach my own. I knew it would only lead to trouble but I couldn't stop myself.

For once my heart and brain were not in agreement.

My head was saying to stay away, to run and avoid the pain that would come with the loss of his affections. My heart though was singing a different tune. My heart had always been the hopeless romantic, the little girl in me that longed for the heroes she so secretly read about.

My heart is what got me in trouble all those years ago and, since then I had refused my heart to make decisions. Though for the first time in years, I was starting to question the logic in my rash decision.

For the first time ever, I wanted to be the hopeless romantic who stood courageously as she awaited her prince because she knew without a doubt that his love was real and, that he would never leave her.

I don't know how I got home safely but somehow I did. I had managed to drive all the way to my little apartment and make it up the stairwell and in to the panoramic apartment. I somehow; wet faced and all, found myself at my computer screen and with my email open. When my senses had finally returned to me, I found my eyes focused on Phillip's name. It had been a while since we last spoke. Our last conversation consisted of him giving me detailed anecdotes of his experiences with his wealthy clients. I had laughed a lot that day.

I clicked on the icon that would allow me to email him. I needed a friend and at that moment, Phillip was my only option.

Phillip,

Are you there?

So I admit it wasn't the most honest email and it was in fact very cryptic but, even though I could not see his face and there was a big chance that he could be a fifty year old grey haired woman, I still couldn't be honest, not even to a screen.

I really was a coward.

His reply was almost instant and I sighed in relief.

What's wrong baby cakes?

He had started addressing me with different nicknames and I never questioned them. They made me feel too special and I needed the affection they suggested.

I had a bad day.

Again my reply was cryptic but, it felt wrong to mention Scott and the kiss we shared. I was nothing with either man but still any association with either made me feel like I was a cheater.

I'm sorry baby cakes. I want to make it better for you. I want to make sure you never have any bad days ever again. I wish so much that I were there right now, holding you. I want so badly to know what it feels like to touch you, to comfort you. I know I can't right now and it frustrates me. Will you tell me what made your day bad? Maybe I can help.

I knew right then that I needed to be honest with Phillip, but once again I refused to listen to my heart.

I wish you could comfort me right now. I don't know what to do. I hurt someone and I don't know how to make it better.

I wiped away a few rogue tears as I thought of Scott's pained face. It hurt so much to see him hurt and knowing that I did that to him. I may have pushed him away countless times but he never gave up and I admired him for it. He had been nothing but attentive and sweet and a complete gentleman to me. Still, I had managed to hurt him after he essentially gave me one of the best kisses of my life.

Have you tried apologising? If you really believe it was your fault and you want to make things right, then apologise. I know it sounds scary but showing courage makes you the stronger person.

I smiled at his words. I already felt better, albeit a bit terrified.

I don't think I'm strong enough. I've never been strong. I hate confrontations but damn it, I feel terrible about what I did.

I tensed as I awaited his reply. I had never been so honest with Phillip before, nor had I ever been so honest with myself. I don't know what changed but something about Phillip and having to communicate over the internet just made me feel safer.

Baby, you are brave. You are beautiful, kind, sweet, funny, caring but above all... You are strong! Take a deep breath and go make right your wrong. I have absolute faith in you!

I laughed. Reading Phillip's email sent my shivering body into a state of calm warmth. My cheeks hurt from how wide I smiled as I sat in my seat reading his words. He was amazing. He had given me the support I needed and that I knew he would give. He said the words I needed to hear and I couldn't be more grateful to him.

Thank you Phillip, I owe you one.

I had already gathered my things and prepared to leave my apartment when Phillip's reply came. I quickly rushed to my computer and blushed when I read his email.

I'll hold you to it. Maybe you can pay me back when I finally get to meet you. I do believe my lips have been eagerly awaiting the taste of yours.

With my cheeks warm, I switched off my computer and rushed out of my apartment. I owed Scott an apology but mostly, I owed him an explanation.

I just hoped he didn't hate me yet.