September. (A Josh Ramsay Fic)

Twelve - Shallow

"Have I ever told you" Josh started, scooping large piles of ice cream into his mouth between speaking, "that I'm in a band?"

"A band?" I asked him, swirling my plastic spoon around the empty carton. Josh had bought way more ice cream than I had, and so he was still eating, whereas I had finished about twenty minutes ago. "What do you play, keytar? Oh, no, I've got it, xylophone!" I laughed, seeing Josh almost spit ice cream over me at my assumption.

"No," he began, swallowing what he had in his mouth. "Actually, I'm the lead singer. And I play guitar, too. The band's even named after me- Ramsay Fiction." he straightened up a bit, pointing his chin into the air as if expecting me to be impressed.

"Go on, then," I encouraged, "sing me something. One of your songs, the amazing Josh Ramsay."

He took in a sharp breath of air, and began to sing;

"Empty, and it eats me alive / And it leaves me, Here for dead / Used to get so I'd never be here / Used to get so I'd never live here / Everything is turning out so / Perfectly so you can see me, See me / I'm shallow, I'm miserable / And I'm waiting here until it feels ok again"

When he finished singing, he seemed to collapse back into his seat, as if singing those few verses themselves had worn him out.

"It's great" I grinned, placing my hand on his arm to show my compassion. "Is it, like, biographical? Do you really feel that way? It's a pretty... deep song, from what I've heard."

"That's kinda ironic" he laughed, seemingly not so exhausted any more, "seeing as the song is called Shallow."

We both burst out into laughter, falling into each other as if we had known each other for years. Who knew, the best way to make a good friend is to help them get high. And with that thought, my mind was back on the real reason I had chosen to be alone with Josh today.

"Hey Josh, can we talk about, y'know, what happened earlier?" I asked, sidestepping the topic in case it wasn't something he wanted to talk about in public.

"If we don't talk about it now, are you going to hound me about it for the rest of forever?" he asked in turn, rolling his eyes and scooping yet more ice cream into his mouth. I wondered where he put it all. I nodded enthusiastically at his questions because, really, I wouldn't let this go. I'd rather we talked about it in a less than serious manner than a deadpan one, and I hoped my reaction would set that tone.

"Okay, fine, whatever. Ask away" he laughed, scraping at the sides of his ice cream tub. I didn't even want to imagine how much he'd spent on the amount he had bought.

"Okay. Right. So, do your family know about it?" I asked, chewing on the end of my plastic spoon. Josh choked on his own, before replying "N-no, and they can't, okay? Please don't tell them." He looked me dead in the eyes, as if he thought he would be able to change whatever he thought I was going to do just be glaring at me.

"I'm not going to tell them. That's for you to do, when you're ready". Josh groaned at that, before saying,

"I thought you'd say something like that."

"And indeed I did." I confirmed, before continuing. "How long for? How?" I pressed, subconsciously leaning in on my elbows in interest.

"Uhm, a few months I guess. I'm in a failing 'recovery process' for, uhh, stuff... and I've tried loads of weaker stuff, like weed and ecstasy, none of that did shit. Then I was at a party one day, and a couple of people I knew were smoking it. They asked me if I wanted to try, and I did, and I did it once, and I never stopped."

I took into account that Josh had avoided telling me what he was in a 'failing' recovery process for. I didn't like that, and it felt like he was keeping secrets from me, even though I had already discovered what I presumed was his biggest one. What secret could a person possibly have that's bigger than being a heroin addict?

One day I would look back and realize-

There are secrets way bigger than dependency.

----

YOO! This story hit 100 reads yesterday! Okay, I know that's nothing huge, but it's still a milestone, okay?

I'm fairly sure it's partly due to my amazing friends in the Soggy Squad- shout out to you guys btw, I love you all, and I'm sorry you've been having to bug me to update, I hope this was satisfactory for now!

Anyway, 100 reads, I'm fucking pumped, but also incredibly tired.

Thank you, and goodnight!

Beck