Lonely

Chapter 25 Why

Come and take a good look deep into these thuggish-ruggish eyes, see the thugstas cry
And I'm askin' the good Lord "Why?" and sigh, he told me we live to die
Not another on the team with a dream that can deal with the struggles, like you Wally
I love you to death, but I wish I could have seen through your troubles
And it's hard to say good-bye to another....

Bone Thugs & Harmony- Crossroads

Pj's point of View

I walked into Vanessa's room and made myself comfortable on the bed. I picked up the notepad that was laying next to me. She's always scribbling in it, and whenever she does she's always so concentrated. I got curious and started to flip through it. She had skills, the book was filled with all kinds of poetry and drawings and songs. One caught my i it was titled "Awakening".

"Its endless
It never fails to fail me
What is it?
Do i fail to sell me?
Am i truly damaged product?
Like that ugly Christmas sweater i get hung up
And pushed into the darkest corner
While every other piece of clothing is worn til faded and torn
But shouldn't that make me a novelty ?
Shouldn't that make me more valuable?

It doesn't because the ugly Christmas sweater is just that
You know i actually got used to being on the rack
I started not to mind being in the back

I started to enjoy the feeling of being unwanted
But then loneliness consumed me
Dispare left me haunted

And i started to crave affection
To feel secured and protected
I start wanting to feel
I started wanting to know
It wasnt until you said hi , i realized i had been low

For so long i had missed out
On something so liberating and fulfilling
How could i have missed love so much i had missed the feeling?

As i think on a deeper level i contemplate on if it was more than that
On if it was more than that
I had missed out in happiness and how to feel alive
Cuz for the longest i had been trying to survive

I got lost in a daze lost in the days
Then i became lost in my ways

I had been hurt.

It damn near took my all just to be
I wasnt sure if what i wanted
So i was nothing to please
And maybe the problem was i was lookin for acceptance cuz it wasnt in me

So slowly but surely
I came too
And when i did it it was when i seen you... "

That shit was so deep. I smiled looking at the little Pedro+Vanessa scribbled all along the edges and outline of the paper. She even drew a little cartoon version of me & her. I decided to write her a little something back.

"An ugly christmas sweater is kinda a blanket statememt..
The beauty is in the eye of the beholder & girl shit i aint complaining
I put this work in to make arrangements for our matchin ranges
Beauty more then skin deep thats why i love ya body language
Fuck whoeva else they aint aint

Lowself esteem no self esteem we gone work on you

Know i be there everyday like its pay day, flex yo body in every way go to work on you

Get you thick,girl you the shit i'll put you hip, bet no nigga eva had you like this
Yo exes gone come back all on Dick
They gone see that "work out" plan workin
But i put you on lock keep you away from fakes and hating bitches on purpose