Comedy Texting

Jokes

These are some of my favorite, plain funny jokes, and I wanted to share them with you all (not ya'll, even if I am from WV). There are twelve!

Number 1: I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling for my life like the passengers in his car.

Number 2: I am smiling. That should scare you.

Number 3: Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you are a mile away and have their shoes!!

Number 4: I am not always sarcastic! Sometimes I sleep.

Number 5: (P.S this is a letter)

Dear Neighbor,

       Your car's sound system is awesome! It is SO loud and and the bass is SO rockin' that it actually shakes all the apartment buildings in the complex! AMAZING!

     It is exceptionally rad when you pull up at 2:20 a.m in the morning and wake up the entire community! Wicked awesome!

      We are all VERY impressed with your super cool sound system. Don't even think of turning it down when you pull up to the building you share with hundreds of people!

                      Most Sincerely,

                               Your Envious
                                      Neighbors

Number 6: Mirrors can't talk, but lucky for you, they can't laugh either.

Number 7: What's green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree, would kill you?

Answer: A pool table.

Number 8: What is orange and sounds like a parrot?

Answer: A Carrot.

Number 9; My Grandpa has the heart of a lion and a ban from the city zoo.

Number 10: My friend thinks he is pretty smart. He said onions are the only food that makes you cry. I threw a coconut at his face.

Number 11: I hate it when people come into your house and ask "Do you have a bathroom?" I'm like, "No, we use the front yard! I hoped you watched your step!"

Number 12: Earlier today in the court room:

Judge: Please state your name.

Me: Not Guilty.

Judge: What? We haven't even got that far yet!

Me: I had my name legally changed to Not Guilty.

Judge: So you're Not Guilty?

Me: *pumps fist and moonwalk out*

Okay, READ THE NEXT CHAPTER IF IT KILLS YOU. AND IT MAY.