Around the World

Everything Has Changed

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Loneliness is a scary feeling, especially when it consumes you. Everywhere I go its walls are up, surrounding and trapping me. Fear and loneliness are the two emotions that are overtaking my body and my will and my thoughts.

Everyone is moving on in their lives, and I just seem to be at a stalemate. I try to move on like everybody else, but the weights around my ankles are tying me down. The left one is fear, the right is loneliness. My mom and Spencer have been in the tropics for months now, and are thinking of buying a house there. Kristin is still in Texas with her family, so Brad and Tripp have been bonding more in the time being. Harry has been on tour for the past two months, and any friends I have are moving on with their lives.

Spring has finally arrived and the weather has not shown us any mercy. During the day it is hot and humid, then at night we get hit with a torrential downpour with thunder and lightning. Even with all the beautiful days I haven't been able to get myself out of the house. I've had takeout for the past month, and I'm running out of the money my mom left me.

My photography career is officially over. Every place I applied researches their potential candidates, and being friends with Harry Styles isn't idle or what they're looking for. Tabloid articles and pictures come up with my name on them, and they don't want clients to see workers with that reputation. Every interview I manage to get is just a waste of time. Nobody wants me to work for them.

My camera has been in a bag beneath my bed since the cruise was over. That was March and now it's the end of May.

I think that I'm so depressed and antisocial now because when I tried to grow up and live my life, I left everyone I loved behind. Now that that didn't work out for me and I was so absorbed with my own life, I hadn't realized they were moving on without me as well.

Kristin and Brady are on the verge of divorce, but I didn't even know they were fighting. My mom and Spencer are off on a different continent enjoying their new marriage while my dad is doing God knows what with his new family. The one that hurts the most is Harry. I had actually gotten a friend, and I consider him as my best friend; how pathetic. But that's not what hurts. It's not that I'm not seeing him for a while. The thing that hurts is how successful and happy he is.

His life is perfect, he is living the dream, and doing what he always wanted to do when he was younger. He is young, handsome, talented, and successful. He is doing what he always longed to do, and I'm not.

Envy is such an easy sin to get sucked in to. It's hard not be envious of someone or something. Everyone has been jealous once in their life, and sometimes it consumes you. It's easy to get caught up in something wrong.

Today is May twenty eighth, the day of the One Direction concert in New Jersey. I finally had to drag myself outside into the heat, dress nicely and do my hair, and drive down to Camden. It would have been easier for me to drive to New York City, but no lets do things the hard way.

Harry sent me a backstage for the shoe earlier this month and said he'd really like to see me there. I would really like to not go, but I should be there to support him. I just don't feel like sitting around in a crowded arena in a dangerous city with a famous band and teenage girls stalking the premises.

I've been in the car for hours now, but I should be arriving at the stadium soon. The highways are crowded with cars and the air conditioning in mine doesn't work. My windows were down and my radio was playing old eighties rock and roll. Supposedly the concert starts later in the evening, but I was told to get here at three o'clock in the afternoon. My stomach was empty and I had to use all my money on gas to just get to the show. I'm really hoping they have food there. As I was pulling over to get into a different lane my phone went off in the cup holder. My hand turned the radio down then grabbed for my phone.