The Terrors of Loneliness

The Terrors of Loneliness - Chapter 9

It seemed that love made you hungry.  Lucas felt his stomach start to gurgle and realised that he couldn’t actually remember when he’d last eaten.  His stomach growled in protest and Hannah lifted her head from his shoulder and raised her eyebrows.   “Hungry?”

“Mmmm…” he captured her lips in a kiss.

She laughed and pushed him away, “I meant for food.”

“Oh…well in that case, I’m starving,” he grinned back at her.

Hannah slipped out of his embrace and out of the bed.  Lucas watched her as she moved round the room and pulled on a t-shirt that just skimmed the very top of her thighs.  As she tied her hair back he got up and standing behind her, wrapped his arms around her and kissed her newly exposed neck, unable to resist. 

Hannah wriggled free, “I thought you were hungry!”

Lucas gave her a lop-sided grin and winked.  “I am!”  He was enjoying teasing her.

She stuck her tongue out at him, handed him his boxer shorts and pulling an over-sized t-shirt out of a drawer said, “You can wear this if you like.  I’d prefer you without it but…” she giggled.

Lucas pulled her into his arms and kissed her; she really was quite irresistible.  His stomach growled again and reluctantly he pulled away.  “All right,” he held his hands up as Hannah smirked at him, “I give in…let’s go and see what we can find to eat.”

Pulling the t-shirt on, he followed her down the stairs and as they reached the bottom he watched her hesitate.  It was only for a second and if he’d blinked he would’ve missed it.  His heart ached for her.  He wanted to protect her from her fears but he knew he couldn’t.  She would have to face them…all he could do was be there for her. 

In the kitchen, Lucas cleared away the broken china that was still lying on the side where he’d left it the day before.  Was it really only a day since he’d driven Hannah home from the hospital?  That didn’t seem possible.  He’d never felt so close to someone he’d only just met.  He looked over at her and smiled.  She was standing in front of the fridge, peering inside it, apparently deep in thought.  “So what are we eating then?” he stood behind her and looked over her shoulder.

“I’m not sure…there doesn’t appear to be an awful lot in here except bacon and some rather sad looking salad.” she bit her lip.  “We could have bacon sandwiches…I’ve got some bread.”

“Sounds perfect…as long as I can have ketchup,” Lucas grinned at her. 

--

Sitting on the sofa watching Lucas trying not to drip ketchup down his chin, Hannah wondered how it was possible that she could feel so much love for him.  When she’d first set eyes on him he’d been pointing a gun at her and that was only two days ago.  Now he was sitting on her sofa getting in a mess with a bacon sandwich and trying not to laugh.  Life was turning out to be very surprising.  She sipped her coffee and stared thoughtfully at the William Blake book on the table.  Coincidence was a strange phenomenon. 

Lucas put his plate down and pointed at the book.  “So where did your interest in William Blake come from?”

Hannah picked the book up and flicked through the pages.  “My dad…” she found the page with Milton A Poem on it and traced the familiar words with her fingers, reading aloud “And did those feet in ancient time, walk upon England’s mountains green.”  She settled back against Lucas, resting her head on his shoulder.  “He used to read it to me as a child.  He used to read a lot of Blake to me, but it’s those words that always remind me of him.  He’d always sing along loudly when they played Jerusalem at the Last Night of the Proms.  I’d always hoped to be able to take him one day.”  Hannah sighed, it had been five years, but it still felt like yesterday.

Lucas slipped both his arms around her waist and pulled her tight against him.  “I have the same book at home and some Blake prints hanging on the wall.  He’s always fascinated me.”

Hannah wondered exactly what fascination Blake held for Lucas.  She used to think her dad’s love of Blake had come from his love of art and literature.   After her parents died she’d immersed herself in Blake in the hope that it would make her feel closer to her dad.  He’d always been anti-establishment and she understood he’d been something of a rebel in his younger years…going on demonstrations and taking part in anti-war protests.  She wished she’d taken the time to know him better before he was taken from her.

Lucas was stroking her hair gently, something her dad used to do when she was little.   The memory brought with it a great wave of sadness and her eyes filled with tears.  She tried to blink them away but one tear escaped and splashed onto Lucas’s bare arm.  He lifted her chin up and looked down at her.  “You must miss them terribly…your parents.”  He stroked her cheek gently, “I know about the accident, it came up when we ran checks on you.”

Hannah raised her eyebrows.  It hadn’t occurred to her that they would check her out.  She guessed it was to be expected. 

“It’s just standard procedure,” he shrugged and smiled gently.  “Tell me about them…were you close?”

Hannah nodded and laid her head against his chest.  The warmth of his body was comforting and she closed her eyes.  “Mum was the most amazing cook, the house always smelt of something wonderful.  Sometimes when I open the front door I imagine I can smell her cooking.  But…I was a daddy’s girl.  He was my best friend and my confidante.  I could tell him anything.  He always had his head buried in a book…always had a quote for every occasion.  I wish I’d known him better…I miss him so much…I miss them both.  The house is so empty without them.”  Tears rolled down her cheeks.  She could feel Lucas’s hands stroking her hair, caressing her, soothing her. 

“I dream about them all the time…but they’re not happy dreams.  I see the accident.  I hear the screeching of tyres and the crunch of metal.  I hear them screaming…” she sobbed in his arms.  “I don’t know what’s worse, the terror of my dreams or the loneliness.”

Hannah felt Lucas’s strong arms lift her up and pull her into his lap.  “Hannah, look at me.”  She looked into his blue eyes and he cupped her face, brushing his lips over hers.  “You’re not alone, not anymore.  I’m not going anywhere.” 

Hannah snaked her arms around his neck and smiled despite her tears.  “I really love you.”

Lucas smiled, “And I really love you.”