The Terrors of Loneliness

The Terrors of Loneliness - Chapter 18

Lucas watched her through the glass, her face pale and drawn.  There was no discernible expression on her face but he knew that underneath the façade was an inner turmoil that was probably tearing her apart.  They'd been driven back to Thames House; Hannah to answer some questions, him for a dressing down and debrief from Harry.

"I accept that you're emotionally involved here and that you have..." Harry had paused and shifted slightly in his chair, "feelings for Miss Curtis, but that doesn't excuse you disobeying a direct order and taking matters into your own hands."

Lucas had offered no defence.  He didn't have one and anyway, he knew he'd do it again in a heartbeat if it meant protecting Hannah.

Harry had continued with a sigh, "I'm under no illusions Lucas; I know you'd do it again and if you must know, if I'd been in your shoes, I'd have done exactly the same thing."

Lucas hadn't expected that and had raised an eyebrow while allowing the ghost of a smirk to creep across his face.

"I'm not completely without feelings you know...believe me, I do understand how you feel," Harry had leant forward and stared at Lucas, "but, I need to know I can trust you to do as I ask...if this relationship is going to compromise your ability to do that then I suggest you think very carefully about your priorities."

Lucas had been stunned by Harry's suggestion that maybe his relationship with Hannah was affecting his ability to do his job.  Watching her now he knew she was his main priority which raised questions he didn't want to answer.  All he cared about was protecting her and loving her...the only doubt in his mind was how she felt about him.  He hadn't lied to her but he hadn't told her the truth and although she'd run into his arms in the cemetery she hadn't said a word since.  He'd go so far as to say she'd been cold and distant.  Her world had just been thrown upside down...she was in shock.  Lucas knew that she'd be traumatised by what had happened but that didn't stop the fear of rejection gripping his heart.

Her interview at an end, she left the room and he went to meet her, nervous tension causing him to stuff his hands awkwardly in his pockets as he approached her.  He smiled cautiously, "You ready to go home?"

She looked at him unsmiling, her beautiful green eyes appearing dulled somehow, "Yes, but it's OK.  They're arranging for someone to take me."  Lucas tentatively reached out to touch her face, desperate for some contact.  The gap between them seemed endless and just before his fingers brushed her cheek, she stepped back.  "Lucas...don't...please.  I just need some time alone.  I'll call you."

Lucas felt as if his heart was shattering, the sting of tears making him bite his lip in an effort to stop them spilling over and rolling down his cheeks.  He watched as she turned and walked away from him.  He wanted to call after her, run to her, beg for her forgiveness, make her understand how much he needed her and how he wasn't sure if he could cope without her in his life, but the words wouldn't come and his legs felt so leaden he couldn't move.

"Give her time Lucas...she'll come round once she's been able to process everything that's happened.  It's been an awful lot for her to take in."  Ruth appeared at his side, seemingly reading his mind.  "Why don't you go home...you look shattered."  She laid a hand on his arm and squeezed gently, "I'll square it with Harry."

Lucas nodded and gave her a sad smile.  Not trusting himself to speak without breaking down, he patted her hand to try and convey his thanks for her quiet comfort and thoughtful compassion.

His car had been brought back to Thames House and when he got inside he just sat there for a while, resting his forehead on the steering wheel, trying to work out why his life couldn't just be simple for once.  Surely loving someone wasn't supposed to be this painful.  Hannah had given him a glimpse of what happiness was but it seemed no matter how hard he tried, happiness and him just weren't easy bedfellows.  He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, switched the ignition on and eased the car out of the parking space.  Resisting the urge to drive straight to Hannah's house, he reluctantly drove home.