The Terrors of Loneliness

The Terrors of Loneliness - Chapter 7

Leaving Hannah had been the hardest thing Lucas had had to do in a very long time. He was aware how ridiculous that seemed given his job, but seeing her put on a brave face as he got in the car and drove away had been heartbreaking. He hoped she wasn't too scared all alone in the house. He longed to be there with her, to support her the way she'd supported him...and to kiss her again. His mind wandered and he was back in the bathroom wearing nothing but a towel, his tongue exploring her mouth, his hands sliding up her back...

Lucas's mind was still lost to memories of that kiss when he walked through the pods and onto the Grid at Thames House. He was immediately brought back down to earth with a bump, by a grim-faced and vaguely sarcastic Harry Pearce, "Lucas...my office...now...if you can spare the time."

Sensing trouble, Lucas offered up a silent prayer. "Harry," he nodded as he walked through the door, and closed it behind him.

Harry didn't wait for Lucas to sit down. He put his hands squarely on the desk and leaning forwards looked Lucas right in the eye, "What on earth were you thinking?"

Lucas frowned and sat down. He had a horrible sinking feeling.

Harry also sat down and resting his elbows on the desk, placed his palms together as if he too was offering up prayers. He sighed. "Miss Hannah Curtis..." he let the name hang in the air.

Lucas stretched his hand over his mouth and rubbed his jaw wearily, "She has no-one."

"That's not our concern Lucas as you well know. There are people to help her through her distress...trained people." Harry was angry. "What makes you think that you can help her anyway, or was she just a means to an end?"

Lucas was on his feet. "What kind of person do you think I am for fuck's sake?" His voice was shaking. "I don't have to listen to this." He turned and headed for the door.

"Sit down!" It wasn't the sort of order you could ignore. Lucas sat down, his face in his hands.

Harry spoke quietly. "We have someone keeping an eye on Miss Curtis's house for a few days. They were rather surprised to see your car there last night."

Lucas looked up, "I didn't know she was under any surveillance."

"Well if you'd been here instead of taking off early yesterday you'd have known wouldn't you?" Harry gave an exasperated sigh. "Lucas, you're my one of my best officers. I need you to be fully focussed on the job. We can't afford for you to go running off on some mission of mercy; the team needs you. Do you understand?"

It wasn't the first time Lucas had received a dressing down from Harry but this felt different. He nodded slowly, dreading what was coming next.

"I need your assurance that you will stay away from Miss Curtis. She will have all the support she needs and there's nothing more you can do for her." Harry looked at Lucas expectantly.

"I'm afraid I can't make that promise Harry." Lucas stared at him unflinchingly but inside, his heart was gripped by fear. He couldn't explain it, but the thought of never seeing those green eyes staring into his, of never holding her in his arms again...he felt sick. He just knew, beyond all doubt that he needed her, that she was the key to him finally dealing with the horror of his torture. But it was more than that, she'd made him feel needed in return and he knew that there was nothing that he wouldn't do to protect her from harm. Harry would think he was being ridiculous. He'd only met her 2 days ago and that was only because Selby was holding a gun to her head. Maybe he was being ridiculous.

Harry was angry. "That's not good enough Lucas. You'll be telling me you're in love with her next."

Lucas was still staring at Harry but at the mention of love, his eyebrows quivered very slightly. His heart contracted...he couldn't be...could he?

Harry shook his head, "Oh Lucas..." he rubbed his forehead. "Does she know who you really are? Have you told her your real name?"

"Yes...I told her." He didn't regret telling her. He'd been unable to stop himself anyway. Nothing could have stopped him from opening up to her.

"And what is it you hope to achieve by seeing her? Some sort of atonement for the terror inflicted on her? You know full well that it was beyond our control."

"No...it's not like that." Lucas collected his thoughts carefully. "Harry, I don't expect you to understand, and I know this must seem..." he searched for the right word, "unlikely but...I think we can help each other."

Harry sat back in his chair and folded his arms, "You told her about Russia. You haven't spoken to anyone about it since you came back and now you're confiding in someone you barely know. A witness no less."

Lucas knew Harry was deeply disappointed in him and he wanted to make him understand. He couldn't lose Hannah, he just couldn't. "When I looked in her eyes and saw the terror in them...it was like looking in a mirror. I know we have very different experiences but...the fear of loneliness..." he ran out of words.

Harry sighed, "I can't pretend I'm happy about this, but I do know that you need to find a way to deal with what happened to you. If you believe that Miss Curtis can help you, then I won't stand in your way. Now, I suggest you take the rest of the day off and come back tomorrow with a clear head."

Lucas looked at him disbelievingly. "Thank you. I won't let you down Harry. I promise."

"You'd better not Lucas. I might not be so understanding next time."

Lucas left Harry's office and ignoring the curious looks from his colleagues, he made his way out through the pods and off the Grid. As he stepped outside into the sunlight he pulled out his phone and dialled Hannah's number. He needed to hear her voice.

--

Hannah had tried so hard to be brave. She'd made herself a cup of tea and filled a bowl with cereal and milk. She'd even managed to carry it shakily into the living room and put the television on. She'd forced herself to eat knowing that her body needed food. She found herself watching the news; they were talking about a politician being shot. A picture of a man appeared on the screen. They said his name was Ian Selby and that he'd been shot dead by the police in a stand off.

Hannah stared at the screen. Seeing his face for the first time and hearing the version of the truth that'd been fed to the press brought the whole thing back. Unable to tear her eyes away from the screen she watched the whole news bulletin. They were interviewing the family of the politician that Selby had shot, capturing them in the midst of their grief. Nobody would have grieved for her if he'd pulled the trigger she thought.

The sound of the postman rattling the letterbox as he pushed the post through startled Hannah, and made her jump. Her heart racing she found herself jumping at every little sound as the panic set in once more.

The sound of her phone ringing startled Hannah so much she could barely hold it to her ear for shaking. It wasn't a number she recognised, "Hello?" Fear made her voice crack.

"Hannah, it's Lucas. Are you OK?"

"Yes...I'm fine," she knew she didn't sound fine.

"I just wanted to ask if it was OK to come over now. I've been told to take the day off." Hannah closed her eyes, relief washing over her. "Hannah...has something happened?" His voice was full of concern.

Hannah took a deep breath, "No...nothing's happened and of course it's OK for you to come over."

"OK, I'll be with you shortly."

What seemed liked an eternity later, the doorbell rang and Hannah, who had been sitting nervously on the stairs wringing her hands and watching the clock, ran to the front door. Frantically taking the chain off, sliding the bolt back and turning the key, she practically threw herself into his arms as she opened the door.

Lucas smiled and looked down at her. "Bloody hell, that was some welcome."

Hannah blushed and pulled him into the house, carefully locking the door behind him. "I'm sorry, I was just...I mean I..." she faltered, "I was scared without you here."

He pulled her into his arms, his soft voice calming her. "I'm here now." He bent his head to hers, capturing her lips in a soft kiss which quickly deepened. Scooping her up in his arms and still kissing her, he carried her up the stairs.