Kissing In Cars

22

I decided that I need to go see Tony that very same night. I waited until Jordan had fallen asleep happily beside me before carefully getting out of bed and getting dressed. I threw on some casual clothes, leggings and a sweater, then headed out, making sure to close the front door oh so quietly as I went.

My mind has been racing these past couple of weeks but now it's kick into overdrive. Part of me wishes Tony never came back, part of me wishes he had never left in the first place. Part of me wishes I had never started dating Jordan, another part wishes I had married him years ago. Part of me wants to sell my business and travel the world with Tony. Another part of me wishes I could get rid of him altogether, erase him from my memory once and for all. There are so many parts of me that are pulling and tugging at the other part, desperate to get everything onto one page, but it's a struggle.

I arrive at Tony's place quicker than I expected. Usually it's a 20-minute walk to his place but today I managed to get there in just 13 minutes. My nerves made me walk faster, my brain more focused on everything that's going on that I didn't even realize I was at Tony's until I was standing on his walkway. I hesitate at his door considering if this is the right decision or not, but before I can talk myself out of it I knock on his door, the knocks a little harder than I expected them to be. I think in this situation its justified.

Not even ten seconds pass before Tony opens the door, looking at me with a very confused expression on his face. Not only am I here unannounced, which is something he knows I never do, but it's also almost midnight. Usually I'm sleeping at this hour, or just at home in general. This isn't a typical visiting hour unless things are wrong.

"Hey, everything okay?" he asks me. He steps aside a little and holds the door open for me. He kind of figures that this is an inside moment. I don't even hesitate to walk in.

"Yeah, I just needed to see you." I say to him. I walk into his living room, slowly giving it a good look at. I think Tony has more records than last time, but I can't really tell. He also has a new blanket for his couch. Last time I was here we were sitting in the living room, and I asked him for his couch blanket, but he said he didn't have any, which I gave him shit for. Who doesn't have a blanket on their couches for impromptu naps? It's sweet to know he went out and got a blanket for me. 

"Did something happen?" he asks, his voice concerned. 

"Yeah." my voice cracks in the middle of the word. I chastise myself. I told myself I wouldn't cry, that I would be strong while I was here but two seconds in and I'm already almost breaking. I don't know how I'm going to be able to actually get the words out.

He comes over to me, his face concerned. He puts both hands on my arms and rubs them up and down to comfort me. I ease into his familiar touch just like I always do.

"Did Jordan find out about...?" he asks. The question is left empty ended but we both know what Tony is asking. He wants to know if Jordan found out that Tony and I slept together.

I shake my head. I don't say anything though, I don't even look Tony in the eyes. I can't bear to right now.

"So, oh my God." I say, stumbling over my words, then take a deep sigh to try and concentrate myself. "I..."

"I don't know what happened, Ava, but we'll get through it. Together." Tony says, giving me a supportive smile. I look into his eyes and regret it immediately, because when I look at him, I see something I wish I hadn't. He thinks we're going to be together. And I have to take that away from him.

"Jordan proposed to me." I say quietly. Tony stills, not a single movement or even breath coming from him. His expression is as frozen as he is. If I could see myself I would bet I look the exact same as Tony does right now. I was so nervous to tell him, I even considered just never telling him and having him find out through his mom or something, but that didn't sit right with me. 

"Tony?" I ask, doubting if he heard me. "Did you hear wha-"

"I heard." he says, his tone short. Slowly he looks over at me and I can see the heart break in his eyes. He continues talking, asking the question which we both know the answer to.  "What did you say?"

I swallow hard. I have to look away from him, his expression is too intense, there's too much pain there. "I said yes."

We sit there in agonizing silence. Yesterday Tony and I reconnected with one another in the way that we've been dying to since we saw each other again. Even if I couldn't fully admit it to myself at the time, I really wanted him. Since that day he walked into the bakery I wanted him. Yesterday we had that. And then I show up here at almost midnight unable to really form a coherent sentence, Tony's thinking I left Jordan or something but in reality its the opposite. In reality I'm breaking Tony's heart in half because he thought we were going to be together again, I certainly made it seem that way after all, so I can't blame him for thinking that.

"Well," Tony says after several long seconds of quiet. "Congratulations."

I've pictured my entire wedding before just like everyone else has. A white dress that fits in all the right places, a veil over my face for my soon to be husband to lift over my face when I get to the alter and face him. I've always pictured a wedding outside too, preferably near the water. We'd have a cute, white alter with someone who we know already who got ordained for the ceremony. I've never been religious so the idea of a church or minister seems out of place for me. I pictured flowers too, white and purple lilies. I don't know if I would be the kind to have a bouquet while walking down the aisle, but I'd at least want the rows of the aisle decorated with lilies, and I'd have guests throw flower petals at us as we walked down after we were officially pronounced married. 

The point I'm making is that I've pictured and planned every part of my wedding, but the thing is, whenever I thought of walking down the aisle, I always thought Tony would be at the other end of it.