Kissing In Cars

15

"I didn't mean it." Tony says suddenly into the quiet room. 

After watching The Office for almost three hours we decided to call it a night. Tony wanted to get up early to go see his mom, so we got into bed to try and get some sleep. I was hoping if I closed my eyes and pretended he wasn't there that I would fall asleep faster, but it hasn't been working out great for me. The small amount of space between us is making me on edge, and now Tony talking is a reminder that he really is there.

"What?" I ask, not knowing what he's even talking about. It's not like we were in the middle of a conversation.

"When we were making cookies." he explains. "What I said, I didn't mean it."

I was hoping he wouldn't bring it up so that I didn't have to relive the moment or the breakup over again. I've played the argument we had over and over in my brain, torturing myself with the memories of it. At night when trying to fall asleep it would pop into my head making it almost impossible to sleep. I've been staying up later than I ever had just because I haven't been able to get it out of my head.

"Yeah you did." I state.

I can feel him shift in the bed, his body turning more towards me. "I didn't, Ava."

"Then why'd you say it?" 

"I was mad. You had just told me you were with someone and it pissed me off. And it was easier than telling you the truth."

Against my better judgment, I turn over in the bed so that I'm facing him. He's laying on his side, his head propped up by his arm. The dim light coming from the window illuminates Tony ever so slightly, but just enough that I can see half his face. I can also see that he's not wearing a shirt, the realization makes me feel something to me that I'm not proud of.

"What's the truth then?" I ask him.

"I didn't think it was fair to you that I was going to be leaving for so long. I felt like you were getting half a partner." he says. "I didn't deserve to have you waiting for me all the time."

"That's not how I felt at all." I tell him. 

"You should've."

"You should've let me make that choice." I say softly.

"I know." he says, surprising me. I thought he would've fought me on this, I never thought he would agree the way that he did.

The light outside our window goes off leaving us in pure darkness now. The only sound we can hear is crickets outside and our own breathing, other than that we're in absolute quiet.

"It sucks that you took that chance away from us."

"I don't know why you're still so nice to me." he admits sighing heavily. "If I were you I never would've spoken to me again."

"That was the plan." I say dryly. "I didn't expect you to show up at my bakery ever or for your mom to force me into coming to your goddamn birthday party."

"Remind me to thank her for that." he says. I can hear the smile in his voice as he speaks. "So, you don't regret letting me in again?"

I take a deep breath. "Yes and no."

"Why no?"

I shrug, not that he can even see it. "No because I like hanging out with you. We have fun together. There's also something so comfortable about being with you."

"I feel it too." he says. "I'm more comfortable with you than with anyone else. Why yes?"

"Yes because, well, there's a lot of reasons behind yes."

"Like?"

"Like my best friend and my head baker at work can't stand you. She knows about how things ended before, and so now she's vehemently against you being in my life." I tell him. I wish I could see the expression on his face so I could know how he's feeling. "Also, there's Jordan. It's weird for him that I get along with you."

"I didn't want to cause any problems in your life." he says sincerely.

"I know." I say, because I truly do. I know Tony walking into my bakery was as much as a surprise to him as it was to me. If you asked either of us two months ago if we thought we'd be here with one another, we both would've said no, and yet here we are. 

"I can leave. Once my mom is better and we're back home I can leave you alone." he offers. Its sweet of him because I know it wouldn't be easy now for either of us to leave the other, but the fact that he offers really means something.

"I don't want you to." I tell him.

"Good because all I want is you."

I don't say anything because I don't know what to say. Tony's emotions from the whole situation with his mom definitely have an influence on him and not only would it be wrong to take advantage of that right now, but it would also be wrong for me to do that to Jordan. God, if Jordan knew I was in the same bed as Tony he would freak out.

"I shouldn't have said that." Tony says after several seconds of quiet. 

The light from outside flickers back on making Tony and I jump a little. I take the opportunity to study him. His face is serious, partially from today's events and partially from the talk we're having. He also looks completely worn out. Its now almost 1 am which usually isn't too late for him but given today's circumstances I'd say he's well past his bedtime.

"It's okay." I reply, wanting to try and keep the conversation short so he'll get some sleep. The more we talk the later it gets and the less sleep he'll get.

"Its not." he sits up abruptly in bed, swinging his legs over his side of the bed so he's sitting on the side of it. He props his elbows up on his knees and lets his head fall into his hands. "I fucking left you six years ago and now I'm coming back into your life and just ruining it."

I know him enough to know that he's starting to spiral right now. He's overtired and overstressed and now his brain is bringing forward every single problem he's ever had and making it seem much worse than it is. 

"Hey, it's not like that." I say softly to him. "Not even close."

"Yes it is." he says, his voice filled with misery. "You might as well just leave now so I don't fuck your life up more."

"You're not fucking up my life." I say sternly. 

"That's all I ever do."

"Tony." I say softly. I reach out and put a hand on his back, slowly sliding it up and down. I can tell from the way he stills at first that my sudden touch catches him off-guard, but it only lasts momentarily. His entire body relaxes into my touch. "Lay down, I'll rub your hair."

"You don't have to do that." he says.

"I want to."

"Could you... could you just hold me?" he asks. His voice is so small and vulnerable that it makes me want to fucking cry. "Just for a minute."

I don't even hesitate. "Yeah, I'll hold you."

Tony lays back into bed, turning over slowly so that he faces me. My breath catches in my chest as he gets closer to me. Being in a bed together is one thing but having him pressed against me is something completely different.

I stay on my side as does Tony, wrapping himself against the front of me, his head on my chest. My arm that's under his head lightly strokes his hair. I make sure to be extra careful to not move my body too much so that I'm not rubbing myself against him.

Eventually we doze off like that, our bodies pressed together, his head on my chest and my head resting against the top of his. I would be lying if I said it wasn't the best sleep I had in the longest time.