Worth The Fight ✓

Chapter Thirty

"Imagine smiling after a slap in the face. Then think of doing it twenty-four hours a day."
― Markus Zusak, The Book Thief

Dedication: impediments (for being the amazing cabinmate and having a hot camera roll.)

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CHAPTER THIRTY

The death march plays in my ears.

I am drowning with an anchor tied to my feet. It yanks me into deeper and I realise it when it's too late. It's as if someone trapped me but I was so blind to see it. I've fallen so deeply into darkness.

I should've told him. I should have told him when he asked me how I felt - I kept saying fine. Fuck me.

I stop walking when I am at Calvin's door. I try to breathe but oxygen suffocates me, burns my lungs in a level that I can actually feel them on fire. A sudden earthquake shakes my legs and tries to sweep me off my feet and it nearly succeeds before I lean on the door to keep my balance.

He might forgive you, a voice inside my head says but it's hoarser than a whisper. It's not as loud as before because even hope is giving up on me - on a girl who fucked up everything she's ever had. Even my demons are quite. They must be so ashamed of me.

Love is the tough path. I've never believed I was the tough girl, anyway. Even though I wear a shell of iron; I'm made of glass. And before I realised, the fire melt the iron, leaving me off guard. I have nothing against love now and I let it tear me into pieces.

I'm so guilty, stupid and shameful. I am everything I never wish to be. I'm my nightmare.

Standing at his door makes me nervous. Should I really try to confront him? I'm naked now - what can I even say to him? Apologise? He warned me before, he told me that I shouldn't trust Richard. I didn't want to hear him, I thought he was jealous. He was just warning me.

Taking another breath, I knock on the door as if it's my lifeline. Minutes later, I am welcomed by Sue in front of me. She looks at me as before, she doesn't know yet. She smiles at me intently and I try my best to feign a smile. "Jackie Cookie," she says, "Calvin didn't say you were going to come."

"He didn't know," I say, after a few coughs to sustain my voice. "It's a surprise."

"Oh," she says knowingly. "I shouldn't tell him then?"

"Where is he?"

She looks behind and her mouth takes the shape of 'o' with remembrance. "With that blonde girl - Stella, right? - in his room."

"What do they do?"

"Project or something," she answers. Then, she gestures me in by grabbing my lower arm with her tiny hands. "Why don't you come in? We can break into the room."

"No," I say firmly as I step inside. "Why don't we hang out instead? Together...until they are done?"

She looks at me when we come to the living room, sitting on the couch and her eyebrows knit together with a frown. "But you're more important."

I let out a fake smile - it feels like giving away a slice of my soul. "Yeah but I also came here for you."

"Did you?" She exclaims, biting her bottom lip and pulling me into a tight hug. "Jackie, I love you as my big sister," she mumbles when her head is against my chest. I play with her soft hair and listen to her breaths. "You are amazing."

"I love you, too," I say, trying to hold back my tears. "I'm always here for you, Sue, okay? Whatever happens between me and your brother - you can always come to me."