The Unforgiving Moon

35.

Every time I had trained with Aven had been the same. I grew tired of constantly holding on and letting go, but the more I did it, the easier it became.

The shadow of my powers became familiar to me, and today I'd even felt it without trying when I was just walking in the street. I didn't know if that was because I was practicing so much, or whether it was because its shyness slowly evaporated and I gained its trust.

Strangely enough, it had helped me once to gather my emotions. I had overheard some wolves talking about Lotta, and I'd felt my rage bubbling inside me, along with my powers.

But its presence was soothing. And I recognized it now, and holding onto it meant letting go of my anger. Aven said that was only because it took me a lot of effort, so I wasn't yet capable of focusing on anything else at the same time. He warned me that would change over time. I hoped he was wrong. So far, he hadn't been.

"You're progressing fast," Aven said, arms crossed and one hand stroking his chin, covered in a dark black stubble that was starting to grow wild. "I think we can move to the next phase soon."

I flexed my legs to get the tremors under control. We'd been at it the entire day so far, and today had been the most tiring of all sessions. "What's the next phase?" I asked.

Aven answered, without even changing the tone of his voice, as he took a few slow steps around me. "Killing." As if it was a logical deduction, as if it was a normal thing to do. Maybe in Death Moon, it was.

My eyes grew wide. "I... No, no," I started objecting. Aven raised his brow, unimpressed. "I asked for help so I wouldn't have to kill anyone."

He stopped right in front of me, his icy stare piercing my soul. I'd never get used to the silver of those eyes. "And I offered you help so you would kill people."

I was absolutely floored. "So tomorrow I will have to kill someone?"

Aven took one step closer to me and it made me hold my breath. I wasn't fast enough, though, and his overpowering scent crashed over me and seeped into my bones. "Did you truly expect you'd never have to kill anyone, Sari?" My name burned on his tongue, as if it didn't belong there. "We are at war, if I may remind you. Death is inevitable for people like us."

He was right. I should have known. Still, I'd let myself live in this dream where all was well and I'd never have to take another life. But Aven spoke the truth: it was inevitable. He forgot one important thing, though. It wasn't uncontrollable.

"I want control," I said, standing my ground and keeping my back straight. I saw his eyes darken briefly, causing turmoil in me. I could never read him—but I knew standing up to him like this set him off. And I really needed to stop.

"Is that so?" he said, and it sounded like a song and a growl at the same time. "And you think you can achieve that control without fully giving in?"

"Yes."

The edges of his mouth curled up dangerously. "We will see, Sari. You will achieve control. You won't do it without killing. Let me be very clear on that."

"I will choose who and when I kill, let me be very clear on that," I spat, my heart rising in my chest. Moons, what was I doing?

The dark storm returned to his eyes, more intense this time as his gaze pinned me to the ground. "Who exactly do you think you are talking to?" he demanded, a low growl itching in his throat.

I knew I had to stop with this attitude. It just wouldn't be today, I knew that as well. "I will not kill innocents, Aven. You cannot ask that of me."

He tsk-ed. As if I were a child. "I would never ask you to kill innocents. Why would I, when we have plenty who deserve to die?"