⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚ To live for the hope of it all ˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚twelve˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆

Andrea's pov:

The car ride to the restaurant seemed so long. I was sat opposite to Ella, who ever since I've seen her has felt off. It might just be that she is nervous, but the small sounds of pain when we hugged, the skin picking, it all just felt off. I'm probably just overthinking it. Me and Scott talked to Taylor, all of us trying to get Ella to join in but she seemed to just want to sit and listen. Taylor had a hand on Ella's bouncing knee and the other holding Ella's. "I'm so excited to finally be back on tour!" Taylor tells us, "I'm so ready to be out again!" I smiled at her. "I know you are, make sure you don't overdo yourself like always." I say. Taylor always drained herself till the breaking point while on tour, every single time. "Mom. I'll be fine." She looks me dead in the eyes while she speaks, telling me that the conversation was over. 

The car pulled to a stop and soon we were from the car and into the restaurant. The brunette girl we were with looked as though she was holding back tears as she held onto Taylor's hand. Something really was wrong, but I didn't know what. We were all taken to a table and were handed the menu's. I saw fear in Ella's eyes as she looked over the options, although she tried to hide it with a smile, I knew. I've seen the same look in Taylors eyes before, no amount of lies could throw me off the scent now. But, what if I really was just overthinking it?

Ella's pov:

Shit. There was so many calories all over this menu, the numbers seemed to be the only thing drawing my attention. I can't be fat. All I needed right now was for something, anything, to hurt. "Are we ready for drinks?" A waiter says as he enters the room we sat in with a smile. "I think so." Scott tells him, looking round at the table to nodding heads. "Amazing, let's start with you sir." The waiter says and makes his way round the table. I just got a water, I felt the looks from everyone but the last thing I needed right now was liquid calories. The urges in my head were screaming louder and louder, I was fighting with my brain while I pulled a smile on my face. You cant eat anything. You don't deserve anything. No one wants you here. You are such a burden, no one wanted to come out. You're better off dead. "Ella?" Taylor's comforting voice says and I feel a hand touch my thigh, causing me to flinch back. "Ella? Everything okay?" Taylor asks again, sounding more concerned than 20 seconds ago. I saw the looks from the two other people at the table, everyone staring at me as though I was about to die. "Yeah! Sorry, I was just zoning out I guess." I say, everyone still giving me looks of concern. "Guys! I'm fine!" I tell them again, hoping to convinced them. "I'm going toilet." I say and push my chair out and walk off. 

★

I rush into the bathroom and look around for anything sharp enough to hurt myself. I needed this, I needed to released everything. I paced around the bathroom, begging that I could find anything. And then I saw it, a silver shine in the corner of my eye, a unattended lip liner pencil sharpener. I snatched it and took a bobby pin from my hair to unscrew the blade, I had gotten so good at that. I took the blade and ran into a stall, locking the door behind me. I pulled up the cardigan sleeves, revealing the bandages which within seconds were ripped off and in the bin. You deserve this is the only thought that rushed through my head as I pulled the silver blade across my arm causing blood to pour. Everything that had piled on top of me lifted and I finally felt free.

"Ella? You in here?" I heard Taylors voice echo through the empty bathroom. "Give me a minute!" I say back, quickly pulling tissue and trying to clean up my arms. "Shit. Shit. Shit." I muttered under my breath as blood continued to pour out of arms. "Are you okay?" Taylor says, the noise coming from just outside the stall door. "I'm fine Tay!" I tell her, my voice sounding panicky as I held tissue down on my arm. Stop bleeding. Stop bleeding. Shit. Shit. Shit. "Come out, please." She says, her voice calm and comforting. "I'm fine Taylor. Just give me a minute." I tell her, sounding more agitated in my panic as more blood came out of my arms, not slowing down. What the fuck. "Ella, please." Her worried voice says with a small sigh. I didn't reply. I couldn't reply. I held tissue on my arms, watching it turn from white to red in seconds, not seeming to slow down any time soon. I'm so stupid. Why the fuck did I go so deep? I needed to cry but I was too numb for anything to happen, the most I couldn't do was stand and pray my arms would stop bleeding. After a few minutes of silence I heard the door of the bathroom door bang close, I sighed with relief, Taylor was gone and the blood coming from my arms had finally calmed down. I flushed away all of the blood full tissue and pulled my sleeves down. I unlocked the cubicle and washed the red off of my hands before taking a deep breath and walking back to the table.