⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚ To live for the hope of it all ˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚seven˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆

The three of us sat on the couch, keeping small talk as we heard the door open and quickly close behind. Olivia, Gigi, Phoebe and Gracie walked through the archway into the living room saying hello as they sat down. I was sat between Taylor and Olivia. I talked to Olivia for a bit, taking a moment to say hi to the HAIM sisters when they arrived, before continuing to talk with her.

Taylor squeezed my knee and stood up, leaving the room with Selena. The group sat in the living room all collectively talked, I joined in a few times but I mostly just listened and smiled with everyone. I picked at my fingers, there was so many people around me and the things I wanted to say never seemed to leave my mouth. Taylor and Selena then barged back through into the room holding a cake that had 'welcome Ella' written on the top, 2 bottles of sprite aswell as a cup and plate for everyone. The group cheered at the sight of cake but I was still struggling to get anything out of my mouth so I just smiled.

"Who wants cakeee?!" Selena asked as she connected her phone to the speakers in the living room. She clicked on a playlist that played in the background for the whole party, it was mostly music made by the artists surrounding me. Taylor cut the cake and passed me the first piece. The cake was chocolate that was iced in light blue. It tasted so good. Everyone was stood up dancing while eating their slices, I stood and ate slowly as I was still a bit full from lunch. 

I stood and watched the people around me move as my ears began to ring. Before long, I didn't even feel like I was in the room anymore. My breath began to become heavier. "I'm just going to the bathroom." I tell Taylor and she gives me a nod as I leave the room, leaving my plate on the table. I walked at a fast pace, past the bathroom and into my room. I closed the door behind me and practically fell to the floor. I began hyperventilating, I sat curled in a ball leaning against my bed. My hands were shaking and tears rolled down my face. I don't know how long I was there like that, it felt as if the air I was taking into my lungs was being grabbed right back out. There was a knock at my door but I couldn't talk, all I could do was cry. The door opened, and before I knew it, Taylor was sat next to me with her hand on my shoulder.

"It's going to be okay, I'm here and I'm not leaving." She tells me as she puts her arm around me. "Copy my breathing" She tells me while taking slow deep breaths. I managed a few deep breaths before going back to hyperventilating. "You can do it." She tells me before continuing to do them. It took a few tries, but I manage to calm down. I look at Taylor as I took shaky deep breaths, she glanced back at me with comforting eyes and pulled me into a hug. "You did so well, I'm proud of you." She told me, I hugged her tighter. We sit silently in a hug for a few moments before I pull away and wipe my tears. "Do you want to go back out?" She asks me, I give her a shrug. The real answer was no, as much as they were nice, there was just too many people and I couldn't do it and I definitely can't do it again. However, I ignore my problems and want to make Taylor happy. "I'm just going to sort myself out and I'll come back in" I tell her with a smile. She nods and gives me one last hug. "If you need anything, text of shout. We will have a proper talk later." She tells me before leaving. I wait for a few moments, making sure she was definitely gone before I walked into my bathroom, locked the door behind me and went to the mirror.

I looked at myself, my eyes puffy and red. I hated everything about me, I felt so ugly and horrible. I pulled my sleeves up and looked at my arms as urges to cut screamed in circles around my head. 'You can't, everyone is waiting for you' I tell myself, but it wasn't enough. Before I could think anymore my hands had already pulled open the first draw and opened an empty floss case, where I hid another blade. I pulled it out and placed it onto my skin. I took a deep breath and pulled it across my skin. The physical pain felt the easiest to understand, I kept going until my mind was blank, no worries at all. I cleaned the blood away, applying pressure so that they would stop bleeding. I waited for a minute, pulled down my sleeves, took a breath and walked back to the living room.

"Hii Ella! Are you okay?" Everyone asked me I gave them all a nod. I joined Gracie and Olivia who were both huddled in the corner together, I picked up my phone and sent Taylor a message - 'You didn't tell them what happened did you'.  I watched her pick up her phone from the other side of the room and reply to my message telling me that she didn't. Thank fuck. I can not deal with this many people knowing what had happened minutes before.

Time flew by as everyone talked and laughed. Before I knew it people were leaving. I said goodbye to everyone, giving them all hugs. My jumper stuck to my cuts and it hurt like shit, I was so excited to take it off. Once we waved everyone off, Taylor sat into the couch and patted next to her, motioning me to come sit with her. I sat and placed my head on her shoulder as she wrapped her arm around me. 

"Are you ready to talk about before?" She asks me as she rubs my arms, making them hurt even more. I shake my head, I want to forget that it ever happened. She gives me a comforting smile and says, "You had a panic attack. Have you ever had one before?" I shake my head. It had never happen before and I don't want it to happen again, I felt like I was dying. "There are different things to do to prevent panic attacks, or try to stop them before they come." Taylor begins, "You can do things like have sour sweets, to distract your brain. You can do some deep breaths like we were doing before." She tells me and continues to list out more ways to help me. I listened closely, never wanting to have one again. "And if you ever need me, I will always be here for you. I promise." She told me to which I smiled at."Okay, let's talk about something else then." She says as she pulls her phone out and unlocks it. I was so glad we were moving away from that topic, I have always hated talking about my feelings. Taylor places her phone where I couldn't see it and showed me just one of the headlines that was circling the internet - 'Who is this mysterious girl?'. Taylor looked at me, "Are you okay with me putting up an announcement?" She asks me. I nod while my head circles with worry about her fans hating me. Taylor gives me a smile as she sends a message to her publicist who told her she was good to post it. Taylor opens up twitter and posts the tweet telling everyone that I was her daughter. I was still coming to terms with that. It's so crazy to think.

Taylor turned off her phone and looked at me, giving me her whole attention. "Are we still on for going to get you new clothes and anything else you need tomorrow?" She asks me. "Yess!!" I tell her excitedly. She gives me a smile before I pull myself out of her arm. "I'm going to get to bed I say, I'm so tired." I tell her, even though I wanted to spend more time with her, I wanted to see the replies to her tweet. "Good plan. If I don't come to see you again later, good night, I love you." She says watching me stand up from the couch. "I love you too." I tell her with a smile wiped across my face. I walked down the hall to my room bumping into the cats who were lying around wherever they pleased.

I went into my bathroom and turned on the shower. I took my clothes off and took a minute to look at my scars, the red and inflamed marks covered my arms. I was so ashamed. I decided to put on some music to make myself feel better. I put on my playlist, which consisted of mostly Taylor songs. I turned the volume up and jumped into the shower. The warm water fell onto my skin, making my arms burn, but I liked the pain.

Taylor's pov:

I sat on the couch and thought to myself for a while. Something is definitely bothering Ella. She seems so secretive, I know that she hasn't known me for long but I want her to trust me. My thoughts continued to stream through my mind as my phone buzzed. My mum had sent me a message - 'Hi love, you okay? How was the party?' I smiled at the message, I loved my mum so much, she has the kindest soul. 'It was great! We all went out for a late lunch at a restaurant first which was great. The paparazzi and crowds seem to make Ella super nervous, it makes me feel so bad. Her legs always bouncing after we get through the crowds, I guess it's just anxiety. But once we came back to my house, Ella had warmed up to everyone so we all had a great time!' I send her back. I cut out the part about her panic attack, I could tell that Ella didn't want me to share that with anyone. I began to type again - 'I saw her picking at the skin around her fingers until it was bleeding. I also noticed her scratching at the skin on her wrists, it made her skin turn bright red. Do you think I should be worried? Are these self harming behaviours?' I go to press send but decide that it was better just to have a proper talk with Ella about it first. I deleted the message and went to my room before going to bed early.