MADMAN'S HAVEN

49

Brandon's rough movement of passion, and humiliating statement of truth kept my mind occupied all the way back to St: Nicolai.

I wasn't offended by his words, instead I was heated by his naughty act. He knew he could speak to me that way without making me feel bad, because he never meant to insult me.
Even if he got rageous about me hurting myself, he wanted to remind me that I was a sinner.

I knew he liked that part of me, not the one abusing drugs, but the hidden, unholy one that got revealed from my outer innocence, because he could relate to that part.

Like that moment he accidently found out I was a smoker. He didn't like it with the way it was bad for me, but finding out I had been hiding something sinful from him, drove him crazy. He enjoyed finding out about my flaws, not because he was judging me by exposing them, but because he got to know me better with them.

It was the same with this moment. No matter how much he hated my way of medicating myself, he wanted to state that he didn't blame me for my using, he wanted to state that he could relate to me in yet another way, and that's why he played it out like that. He didn't want it to get too serious, so he turned it into something hot and electrifying. He erased the misery of it for a second, and allowed the glory to come through.

His rough way of expressing his heavy devotion made my whole body tingle on the inside. He made everything exciting, mixing his desires and violent instincts with his care.

"How do you feel, Beverly?" Suddenly my arousing daydreaming of Brandon got interrupted by Dorothy's voice, and she stopped as we reached the final step of the broad, stone stairs in front of the institution entrance.

Her dark eyes inspected my body, trying to read through my soul and expose every sore emotion inside. I kept a strong hold of my shield, and looked back at her with a smile convincing her that I was okay.

The cold light of winter made her skin appear more pale than usual, which contrasted her brown eyes that were still darting my own.

"I am fine thank you, Ms. Schwartz, in spite of the circumstances," I replied politely.

After seeing Brandon alive and awake, all my fears disappeared. I was still filled with greif from watching my lover getting tortured by the much more powerful man, but otherwise I felt stable.

"You have been forced through some traumatic occasions during your time here. It is important for me to make sure that you are well," She remarked, and looked at me with a face depicting sympathy.

"What happened was tragic, but right now I am just glad it didn't end up worse. Donald could have killed Brandon today," I explained, trying to convince Dorothy I was positive in mind.

"Also, I am so grateful that you got rid of Donald. He was the one causing the biggest trauma, so thank you,"

The woman smiled at me, allowed her face to soften for once just to respond to me. But it didn't take long for her jaw to strain again.

"May god bring justice for that man," She spit to herself before she slowly continued her steps towards the big doors. The warmth embraced us as we stepped inside the familiar building, and without further concern or words, I watched Dorothy walk away towards her office.

I agreed with what she said. Donald deserved justice, and sooner or later it would catch up on him, especially after this...

After finishing Brandon's files, I carefully traced my way out the institution again. I wanted to avoid any chance of small talk with the others nurses, all I wanted was to get home, call for my best friend and pour us a glass of burgundy wine meanwhile telling her what I could about todays unfortunate occasions.

I sat at the bonnet of my car, took the time to smoke two cigarettes in a row as the cold air fondled my skin into ice. The nicotine perked my veins, and refreshed my body. It was all that was needed, no matter the tragic subsistence. There was no crave for heavier substances, because the one encircling my system was still present.

Brandon was still the one keeping me going even if he was weak. It didn't matter to me, even if I was devestated about what happened, I could manage to get through it because he was with me. He was alive. Living. And that was all that was nessecary for me to remain so as well.