MADMAN'S HAVEN

4

When you've been through something traumatic, your body often starts to use different methods of forgetting or progressing. These kinds of methods can vary for every individual, but are often more similar than people think.

When your brain flashbacks to the situation you've been through, or when the anxiety starts to crawl up on you to remind you of your past, the first instinct for your body is to escape or fight back the threat.

This is what we call fight or flight response.

Most of us get affected in the psychological way which means that the brain triggers the body into different behaviors such as panic attacks, freezing paralyzation, or impulsive actions. None of these behaviors are controllable as long as you let them through to take over your mentality, and as soon as your brain turns on the fight or flight mode it is only a natural way for your body to respond to the traumatic imagination.

A condition that is common to speak about when a person is suffering from trauma, is PTSD, which means that your body and mind find it hard to progress and let go of what you've been through. This often leads to flashbacks and nightmares, which is a regular trigger from your body to remind your brain of what you've been through.

This is to many people, very torturing and uncontrollable, and people often find it very hopeless and hard to continue with their normal life since there's so much that gets in the way for them to go on with the regular. The body starts to avoid different situations, and you will start to distance yourself from the people around you and the ones who care about you, which will lead you into loneliness and force you deeper into the dark circle of what your life has become.

When the mentality is torn down enough to be unable to handle the torturous imaginations and anxiety attacks, that's when you start to find other ways to get out of it.

A very common thing is to use alcohol as a way to self-medicate and let the mind drown from the poisonous fluids and let go of the chaotic inside of the brain that is already so damaged with pain.

The second one is the drugs. The heavy medication that can help you to bring the body to where you wish, that can calm down every nerve within the minute after swallowing the smallest pill. All the different substances that can bring you into different mind states, it is just too hard for the weakest to stay away from them since it's so convincing and unrealistic with descriptions of what it does to the body.

Another common thing that people use is self-harm, which basically means that you hurt yourself in physical ways. People do this to exchange the mental pain with physical pain instead, which often turns into a habit that is very hard to stop with, just like any other addiction.

Most of these people use sharp razor blades to cut their arms or legs open with thin, burning wounds to get their brain to focus on something else than the inside pain. Some people burn themselves with flaming hot tools, and others starve themselves and refuse to consume food as a way of tearing their body down. Others use sexual intimacy to get rid of the loneliness, and those people often find peace by letting someone else take control over their body, which is just another example of abuse.

It is all about the pain and how to get rid of it, even if it means that you need to inflict other ways of hurting yourself. The abstinence of having a break from the chaotic inside is just too heavy to handle, and often leads you into toxic and unhealthy habits without even realizing it yourself.

Eating disorders, alcoholism, drug abuse, self-harm and sex addiction.

It didn't matter which one of these methods a person started to abuse, because they were all present for the same reason - to get rid of the pain.

My escape was always to use the drugs, they were so dangerously disposable for me, and I knew so much about every substance and how they could affect the body in such glorious ways. It didn't take long until I got stuck, and it was a long and frustrating way out of it, but I did get out of it and I did get sober.

At least for four years...

My head was dizzy from the abstinence as I walked over the concrete floor to get back to the office room. My temple ached and I creased my eyes from the discomfort.

One part of me felt nervous about meeting Harriet again, but I knew that she would understand why I reacted the way I did since it was such mattering information she shared with me only moments earlier. Even if she didn't know anything about me and Brandon, she still knew that my way of treating him was something different from what the other nurses ever managed.

A warm embrace of the two thin arms of Harriet's surrounded my body and I breathed out with the surprise of her approach.

"Oh, Beverly. I apologize if I made you upset, that was never my meaning," Her kind self was convincing, but I didn't need to get convinced since I wasn't even upset with her in the first place.

I grabbed the woman's shoulders and looked her in the eyes. My lips formed a smile, and I shook my head at her.

"No, Harriet. You don't need to apologize. I'm glad you told me. I just... Got very surprised I believe,"

Her widened eyes turned into something more relaxing and accepting, and her shrugged shoulders fell with her exhale.

"I understand. It must be hard for you to progress what happened with Barlowe and Acker, especially after having one of them in your own care. I can't imagine what you're going through and I just want to help you, Beverly! And somehow I thought this could," Said Harriet, still using her most concerned voice.

"It did, Harriet. There are so many things in my head that make sense now, again I am thankful that you told me, and I know that you mean well. I'm trying my best to get over what I witnessed, but you don't see people get murdered in front of your eyes every day..."

I tried to make the situation a bit more affable with my sarcasm and as I watched Harriet grin I noticed my success.

"How are you feeling now?" She continued with the smiling as she looked into my eyes.

I smiled back at her to convince her that I spoke with honesty.

"I am fine, Harriet. Really,"

Now I was the one embracing her to show her my greatness of being such a good friend.

The last thing I wanted was for my friends to worry about me, and I would do anything in my power to cover up and have them to believe that everything was just fine with me, even if I was nearly drowning with weakness on the very inside.