MADMAN'S HAVEN

34

(🎶 Already Gone - Sleeping At Last)

I woke up the same evening. My frail body remained unconscious after the intense procedure and I laid on my bathroom floor sleeping for hours afterwards.

I was still bleeding, and my now empty uterus screamed in pain from the earlier violent intrusion.

My head pounded with dizziness from all the tears, and since the drugs and the alcohol were slowly beginning to fade out of my body, my emotions started to haunt me with even more torture than before.

I rubbed my fingers over my fragile temple before I could finally manage to open my eyes and witness the mess of murderer in front of me. All I wanted was to vomit from the obscene vision, but I had no more strength in any muscle to manage the heavy throwing.

With a loud moan, I placed both my arms over the edge of my bathtub, and I forced my body to rise from the wet, dirty floor. My legs were as feeble as a newborn calf, but after a couple of frustrating tries, I managed to stabilize myself and get into the shower.

As the warm water hit my skin, I shivered from the touch and allowed every emotion to come out of me. Once again I started to cry as I watched the blood stream down my thighs and turn the clear water red beneath me.

The guilt pierced my heart as I realized what I had actually done. I just murdered my child. An innocent, growing life in its most important part of evolution. I destroyed that, with my bare own pair of hands.

I folded, fell back down to the floor of the tub as the water kept draining me to wash off the committed sin. I tried to breathe, I knew I had to force back control of my body, but right now that seemed impossible. The shame was baiting me, but only from the strong sympathy I felt for the innocent life I just took. Otherwise, there was yet no regret of the decision, because I was still aware that it would only bring me into even deeper trouble if I had kept it.

I tried to rely on that fact as I allowed the passing minutes to calm my body from mental and physical pain. What was done was done now, and all I could do was let my body recover from what I had put it through.

Tomorrow I would have to go to work again, so all I could hope for was to be stable enough in front of everyone. Especially in front of Brandon. I couldn't even bear thinking about looking him in the eyes after what I had just done to his unborn child. What if he noticed that something was wrong and confronted me about it? I wasn't allowed to lie to him, I wasn't even able to lie to him which would force me into telling the truth.

I was afraid of his reaction. What if he would rage out and revenge on me for killing his child? Like he revenged on Joseph for killing his mother and siblings.

The monstrous thoughts of my lover brought me into fright. The fact that he was a graphic murderer still had to remind me sometimes since I was so deeply devoted to his love.

Another bolt of guilt struck through my body as I actually compared myself with Joseph Acker. He was the one killing Brandon's entire family. There was no one left after what he did, which left that sixteen-year-old boy all alone in this big, terrifying world. And now, just about nine years later, it was my turn.

My body allowed Brandon to create a new life, a life that would erase the loneliness and leave him with one person in the whole world who would share his DNA. But I took that away from him, just like every other member of his family was taken away from him by the choice of somebody else.

The imagination of Brandon's eyes turning black as I told him the truth was sickening. I couldn't handle one more dramatic situation after everything I had been through lately, and the last thing I wanted was to get into trouble with Brandon since he was the only one I needed to be near right now.

But the most disturbing imagination of them all, was the one where my lover actually killed me himself after finding out what I did.

My stomach turned by the graphic images inside of my head.

I bit my tongue in an attempt to get rid of the horrifying thoughts, and tried to keep the control of my breathing. I had to avoid the panic with every power in me since I was still afraid of passing out from weakness. I was all alone in my apartment, and even if I really should've called for Dolores to come and save me like so many times before, I couldn't do that this time. This was something I had to keep to myself, nobody could know about it, not even Dolores, no matter how much I trusted her.

I decided to take the dangerous risk of passing out even if I was all alone, because I really needed to get out of the shower and drag myself into the bedroom to get some sleep before work tomorrow. It could be my last day in life that I was in for, and by now I was prepared for that. One part of me accepted it since I could understand Brandon's reaction from exposing another fraud in his life. I would get it if he compared me with his stepfather, since now I shared his action of killing a member of his family.