You Can Lean On Me

Not good enough (Tooru POV)

The days and weeks blur by for Tooru. He vaguely remembers staying the night at Hikaru's after being rejected and being chewed out by his sister the next morning for not explaining why he needed her to call. And then school. He of course pretends like everything is fine and acts normal. Even during practice, he keeps it up as he tosses to Hajime and the others. If he ignores it long enough, he'll move on, right?

Tooru cried enough that night at Hikaru's. He needs to move on, so he focuses on improving for the spring tournament. More tosses, more spikes, more sets, more serves. He has to perfect it all. It consumes all his time. But he knows he's not good enough.

Not good enough for Hajime to like him.

Not good enough to beat Shiratorizawa during the inter-high prelims.

Not good enough.

He's not enough. His best friend calls him names for fun and even tests how many insults he can fit into Tooru's last name. He has to get better. And volleyball is his outlet. Tooru lets it devour him whole, using his emotions to practice more. To add more power to his serves with his anger. Fuel him to get better because while he can't do anything about his long-time crush rejecting him, he can get better at volleyball and succeed there. 

Of course, he still does his usual studying but it's later, hours later than before so he can fit in more volleyball practice. Tooru stays up later to keep up with his schoolwork. Gets up earlier to run and gets to practice early. He tells his team he's not going to lose to Shiratorizawa again even as a third year with finals coming up after the tournament. He tells people he's doubling down on volleyball and studying so he doesn't have to give up volleyball just for the sake of finals.

It's a lie. He doesn't know how to process his rejection and uses it as an excuse to take it out on his body. He relishes the exhaustion because it means he'll sleep and waits for the pain the next day to keep him awake. 

Of course, he had to go and confess right after the inter-high tournament where they lost. It just makes him feel more helpless and his volleyball excuse more believable. He'll move on eventually, right?