Asking For Help

Asking For Help Pt 2

Why it can be so difficult to ask other people for help

There are all kinds of reasons why we may struggle to reach out for assistance. To start, there can often be fears around asking for help: a fear of appearing weak or incompetent, of being rejected, or of burdening others, says Dr. Zhao. (Mostly all of these fears are unfounded, she adds.) And some suggests that people tend to inaccurately assume that others are more self-interested than they actually are—a mis-calibration that may lead us to incorrectly believe people aren't motivated to help us out.

Cultural norms can also play a role. "Most Western societies like the US are very individualistic; self-reliance is the leading principle and while that can be beneficial, like anything, you can take it too far," , faculty director of the Center for Positive Organizations at the University of Michigan's Ross School of Business and author of , tells SELF. That's one reason why it may feel wrong or selfish to ask for help.

In more collectivistic, community-oriented societies—including many East Asian and Latin American countries—asking for help can often be a normal part of the culture. "Communities that have historically been under-resourced or less privileged also tend to have more of a culture of communalism," , founder and CEO of , a digital mental health platform for women, and author of the forthcoming book , tells SELF. "Receiving and offering help is not something that is looked down upon. It's just part of the social contract."

Of course, even collectivist-leaning groups aren't immune from the barriers to asking for support. "The problem in many of these communities is that you're not supposed to put your needs ahead of the group's needs," says Dr. Baker, and making a request for personal help might feel like you're doing just that. In other words, most of us could probably use a little, uh, help in this department.

How to get better at asking for help when you need it

No matter the reason you avoid asking for help, getting comfortable doing so is an important life skill—and absolutely something you can learn. "As humans, we're first and foremost social beings. We crave connection with each other," says Dr. Lakshmin. Isolation and a lack of social support, she explains, can lead to mental health issues .

And that brings us back to the good news, which is, again, that most people are willing and able to help. "It's just that they can't help you if they don't know what you need," says Dr. Baker. Here are seven ways to grow a little more comfortable making the ask:

1. Psych yourself up with science.

Just to drive this point home: Most of us are deeply pro-social and want to help. There's evidence that being of service may , and , lower stress levels and , and even . And despite our (often misguided!) fears, people tend to view those who ask for help as competent (not weak), according to Dr. Baker.

"Knowing what the research says can be empowering," he says. "Realizing that this isn't just one study, but study after study after study showing the same things can help you remind yourself that most people are willing and able to help"—and probably won't look down on you for doing so.

2. Make asking for help a habit.

To get more comfortable reaching out for help, Dr. Lakshmin recommends starting with small asks that feel "relatively manageable." Maybe you politely ask a tall stranger to grab your heavy carry-on from the overhead bin. Or perhaps you ask one of your neighbors to pick up your mail while you're on vacation if you all share a long driveway.

Nervous? That's normal. It means you're trying something new, which can be uncomfortable, says Dr. Baker. "You're working to become desensitized to the fear of what might happen when you ask for help," Dr. Lakshmin adds. Over time, having some "success stories" under your belt will help build your confidence in asking for help with the bigger stuff, like feeling overwhelmed with a work project or struggling with a mental health issue.