Asking For Help

Breakups Pt 3

Surviving a relationship break-up can be one of the most difficult things we ever do and onan emotional level can be one of the most painful processes in our lives. Losing aboyfriend/girlfriend or a husband/wife can feel like your heart is literally being torn out. Itis not unheard of to talk to students on campus who express suicidal thoughts or thoughtsof self-harm at the ending of a relationship. At UHC-Student Counselling Services,relationship issues are one of the top three reasons students seek counselling, many ofwhom are going through break-ups.People are not well equipped to deal with break-ups, because we rarely are taught anythingabout healthy coping after a break-up. This handout is designed to give you helpfulstrategies to cope with your break-up in the healthiest way possible.By using these suggestions, it will not stop you from experiencing the pain of the loss, butinstead, will help you move through the grieving process as quickly as possible and let youmove on to ultimately have more satisfying relationships in the future. 

1. Don't Fight Your FeelingsA break-up is often accompanied by a wide variety of powerful and negative feelingsincluding sadness, anger, confusion, resentment, jealousy, fear and regret, to mention afew. If you try to ignore or suppress these feelings, you will likely only prolong thenormal grieving process, and sometimes get totally stuck in it. Healthy coping meansboth identifying these feelings and allowing ourselves to experience these feelings. Ashard as it is, you cannot avoid the pain of loss, but realize that by experiencing thesefeelings, they will decrease over time and you will speed up the grieving process. Thestages of grieving frequently include: shock/denial, bargaining, anger, depression andeventually acceptance. Extreme grief feels like it will last forever, but it doesn't if wecope in some healthy ways.There are several conditions that will likely intensify your negative feelings, including: Not being the one who decided to break up. Not seeing the break-up coming. This being your first serious relationship. Your ex being your only real close friend. Continuing to run into your ex. The relationship having made you feel whole or complete. Your ex starting to date someone right away. Thinking about your ex being sexual with their new partner. Believing that your ex is the only one in the world for you.

2. Openly Discuss Your FeelingsTalking about your feelings related to the break-up is an equally powerful tool tomanage them. As we talk to supportive friends and family members, we can come tosome new understandings and relieve some of our pain. Holding all of these negativefeelings in just doesn't work, although there may be times when this is necessary, suchas in public settings, at work, or in class. As we talk to others, we usually discoverthat our feelings are normal and that others have survived these feelings. Above allelse, don't isolate yourself or withdraw from those people who can give you support.

3. Write Out Your Thoughts and FeelingsIn addition to talking to others, it can be very helpful to journal your thoughts andfeelings related to the break-up. People are not always available when you need to getout your feelings and some feelings or thoughts may be too private to feel comfortablesharing with others. The act of writing your feelings out can be very freeing and canoften give you a different perspective about them

4. Understand That Break-ups Are Often An Inevitable Part Of DatingRemember that many of our dating relationships will end up in a break-up. This is thevery nature of dating. Until we find our best match, we are going to be moving in andout of relationships, so expect it. This way, we won't feel so devastated when it doeshappen. Relationships usually end for some good reasons and they should end if wewant to find our most suitable partner. Of course, no match will be perfect and wehave to decide how long to keep looking and what we can live with. Finding acomplementary partner is more than about love and therefore, it is going to likely takemany dating relationships to find.

5.Don't Personalize The LossIt is natural after a break-up to blame yourself, but try not to personalize the loss fortoo long. Much of the pain of a break-up comes from seeing the loss as your fault andregretting the choices you made while in the relationship. This process of self-blamecan go on endlessly if you let it.It is far more helpful to see the ending as a result of conflicting needs andincompatibilities that are no one's fault. Each person in a relationship is trying to gettheir own needs met and some couples are able to help fulfill each other's needs andothers are not. One of the biggest issues is being able to communicate and negotiatethose needs. It's not easy to learn, so don't blame yourself and try not to blame yourex. He or she is likely also doing the best they can, given their personalities and lifehistory. No one goes into a relationship with the goal of making it fail, or hurting theother person.

6. Prioritize Basic Self-CareSelf-care refers to ensuring that your basic needs are being met, despite the fact thatyou may be feeling upset and depressed due to the break-up. You may not feel likeeating but do it anyways, and try to make some healthy choices in what you eat. Giveyourself ample time to sleep, particularly since this may be difficult for you. Theshort-term use of some herbal alternatives or sleep medications may be necessary toensure you get the sleep you need. Sleep deprivation will only compound yoursuffering. Keeping up or starting an exercise routine can also make you feel betterboth physically and psychologically. Remember, exercise causes the release ofendorphins, which can make you feel better.

7. Get Back Into A RoutineSince going through a break-up can create a sense of chaos in many areas of your life,continuing on with your routines will give you a better sense of stability or normalcy.Although taking some expectations off yourself temporarily can help, returning toroutines shortly after the initial blow can help calm you down and give you a returningsense of control. This might include routines around wake-up and bedtimes, meals,school or work related activities, exercise, and time with others .

8.Indulge YourselfIf there was ever a time to pamper yourself, it is after a break-up. You need to dosomething that will actively make yourself feel better. Indulgence can take manyforms, depending upon what you really enjoy, but could include: going to a specialrestaurant, going to a movie with a friend, having a hot bath, trying a massage, goingon a short trip, buying something new, taking the weekend off, taking a yoga class orreading your favorite book.

9. Give Yourself Some SlackExpect that you are not going to be functioning at full capacity for a time due to thedistress you are experiencing. Therefore, it is not unreasonable to lighten your loadfor awhile. This might mean allowing yourself a break from studying for awhile, orstudying less than you usually would. It could also mean withdrawing from a class ifyou're really struggling or working a lot less in a part-time job for awhile. Althoughsome of these options may sound drastic, they will give you more time to adequatelyprocess your loss. It may also mean expecting that your grades will go down a bit andnot judging yourself for this.

10.Make a List Of All The Benefits Of Being SingleAlthough being single again may be an unwelcome event, if you were not the one whochose to break-up, it is worth reminding yourself there are some definite benefits tobeing single. Here are a few ideas to get you started:

  You are now much more able to put your own needs first.

  You will soon have the excitement of dating again, even though this may feel a littlescary.

  You will have more control over your daily routines, not having to negotiate thesewith someone else.

  You can spend more time with friends and family, who may have been feelingneglected. You can do some traveling, that you might not have been able to do with yourpartner. 

 You can choose jobs outside of the immediate area, because your partner isn'taffecting your choices.

  You can eat what you want, when you want to. 

 You can go to bed and get up on your own schedule. 

 You will be able to meet lots of new people, since you now have more time to do so.

  You may now be free of criticism.

  You will have much more individual freedom.

  You have the whole bed to yourself.

  You now have more time to study.

  You can be as messy as you want.