Happy Anniversary.

34. Self Conclusion.

Before y'all freak out or something, this isn't the end.

As Jack brushed past me to grab his bag, I winced. He instantly caught on and was by my side. "Fuck, you okay?" He asked, fingers ghosting over the bruise on my hip my hand tried to cover.

"Yeah, I'm good. Just surprised, is all." After the incident on Saturday morning, I was left with finger-shaped bruises on my hips and a general soreness everywhere else. I hadn't ever experienced anything like that before, and while it was okay while it lasted, neither of us ever had the desire to take it that far again. Jack still felt terrible, beating himself up every time it came up. I tried to talk him down, but I knew I could only do so much. He was doing everything he could to make it up to me - massaging my aches, making me dinner, verbally apologizing profusely - and that was what really mattered to me. It was obvious this was a one-time thing, caused by fear of the unknown and stress that I had pushed over the edge, and even if he got this angry again, he wasn't going to take it out in the same way. I promised him if he tried to again, there would never be a next time.

Not that I was sure I could leave him, but as long as the threat kept him in line, I wouldn't have to worry about that.

Ever since I told him that, he's backed off completely. Too afraid to even touch me, sometimes, I initiated nearly any kind of contact, and he was always the first to pull away. Even now, as I tried to pull him into an innocent kiss, he froze and didn't reciprocate. I couldn't help feeling like that was my fault. If I hadn't been as weak as I was, if I had trusted Jack more and never flinched away from him after we both calmed down, he probably wouldn't be like this. Maybe Jack and I weren't as good of a match as we thought we were. Don't get me wrong, I cared about him a lot, and I trusted him more than I trusted anyone else, even Rian, but we had only been together for a couple of months. A lot could change in the future that we had no control over, and we had no idea of knowing how that would affect us and our relationship. This wouldn't happen again, I was sure of it, but that didn't mean something different couldn't. Maybe he would give me a black eye when he fought with Joe, or maybe I would cut too deep, too lost in my depression to care. We were hurting each other in ways couples shouldn't, and we couldn't stop it. We could apologize after, make it up by doing ten times better than we had been, but that didn't mean scars from the past disappeared.

Then again, isn't that what happens all the time? People putting blind faith into others, letting them toy with their heart and hoping they came out together in one piece eventually? We might have been playing with fire, but we knew where to get the water when things got too much. We hadn't done too little, too late - we did just enough at the last possible second. "Jack," I started as he moved away from me awkwardly. "I still love you, and I still love they physical part of our relationship. Don't push yourself away from me. That's the last thing you need right now. We talked about it, and it's done. You can't keep punishing yourself for something you can't change."

He looked at me for a while, pain in his eyes as he gnawed on his bottom lip. He was trying to read me, trying to put together pieces of a puzzle that didn't necessarily fit. When he walked toward me, I made the conscious effort not to shy away or look at the ground or do anything else that would suggest I wasn't absolutely, positively all in to this relationship in every way possible.

I pressed my hands into the arch of his back, pulling him closer as he draped his arms around my waist and rested his chin on my shoulder. "I wish you could take your own advice, Alexander."