Luffy x reader: I'm not doing to good..bitches?

I'm just checking in

uhhh, it's been a while... I'm gonna be honest the reason I'm typing this out is just to rant so if that's not your cup of tea or you don't care, do not feel like you need to read this.

anyways, i'm gonna get personal, because this might be a goodbye note to the world if it comes to it. idrk know what to say, the reason i'm typing this out and posting it on wattpad is because i don't think anyone who reads my stories knows me. and you might be thinking "why don't you tell someone you know about your issues?" because i never know what to say. my body has a natural reponse to make sure everything is ok around other people.

anyways, my mother (mommy issies incoming) is draining me and it's gotten to the point where whenever she hugs me I can't breathe and I always immediately deny any sort of affirmation she gives me. 

In my opinion I know i'm better that a letter grade, but how do i express that. I have such a hard time waking up every single morning, half the time I wish I don't wake up at all. Time is going by to fast and it freaks and stresses me out to think about how I'm graduating a second year soon.

I hate that i'm growing up, i hate that i have to go through this. But everyone else is going through it too so i shouldn't be complaining so much right? 

now some things that annoy me, well firstly I'd like to tell my friend (we'll call them diamond) that showing off your sh scars to me and explain why you did them makes me uncomfy. I've gone through the whole sh thing and I'm literally fighting myself to not go back, because everything seemed so much better when I was doing it. but i know it's not good, but I really don't even care. I'm so fucking insecure of my arms because of the scars that tanned differently and everyone is constantly pointing it out and asking what it is. I even had this one girl point them out to my friend like I wasn't right there. And then people tell me not to do that anymore, like i'm trying?? do you not understand?

I feel like i'm losing my memory and i'm so scared that I'll forget something crucial in my life that I'll never get to relive. But I can't tell anyone this because if I did they wouldn't take me seriously. You may be wondering "why wouldn't they take you seriously? you're literally trying to kill yourself" Well that's because I've spent so much time creating my character to be a happy, care-free, sarcastic person that no one will believe or take me serious enough to get help. This one time I texted my friend and told her that i cut myself (feels weird to say) and she gave me advice and helped me by telling me to read a book as a way to cope. I did, but when (the next day) I told her about how I was going to do it, she laughed and was like "that wouldn't actually kill you". like should you be laughing? I feel like that's not the right response, is it? 

I wanna say the my mom will literally make me feel like the worst person alive, and then she's follow it up with, "you know I care about you? "you know i worry about you" "i just want what's best for you" your obsession with me having more than a C is not whats best for me, it doesn't seem like you love me it seems like you love when I get an A, and if you worried about me you would take a step back and really tried to talk to me. But it's not like I would tell you anything because you make it so damn hard to even try to show my true colors. Literally a few week ago she told me "you know what? I just realized i've never told you how proud I am so I'm proud of you" Yea i could have used that when I first started learning to comprehend this language. It can't just be me who thinks that is a weird thing to say to your daughter whos been alive for idk 16-17 years? and she said she wants me to be myself, but it's really hard to "be myself" when it feel like your breathing down my back  to keep it straight and keep my grades up. she always watches me which makes me uncomfortable and I hate when people look at me know because i feel like they're judging everything I do and will get mad if I do it wrong, like me mom does. I think this is called "anxiety" but it's hard to understand whether or not I have anxiety, deppression, or adhd, because i don't have the strength to reach out.

anyways, i can't remember too much right now and I have to go, so... again i'm writing this and probably posting it so at maybe at least one person out there will read this and somehow knwo me better than my own mother idk

My name is Gate, as i go by online because I scared to reveal my real name

I'm a second soon to be third year

i like art, and music and anime

I could talk about one piece for literal hours

I'm scared of the ocean, the future, my mom, and lowkey toasters

I feel comfortable when I'm in my bed covered by my blankets

I get headaches when people annoy me or I cry too much

 people think that I am a carefree super happy extroverted person, but I've actually changed little things about myself over time to the point where im never really being myself, not even with myself, and I don't really know how to recover from that

I have two brothers, im closest with the oldest and the middle brother (im the youngest) i'm kinda afraid of, which makes me sad because i've always wanted a close brother bond but i guess ill never get one. I'm actually closer with my friends brother than my own, which is really sad, but i'm glad I met him

and I'm realy tired.

if you see another update, just know that I don't want anyone who's very kind to think I died, and if you don't I either forgot about this whole thing, i'm active but don't have the will to post, or i'm dead. love you, please love me back <3

-bye lovely stranger who has read this, or none stranger if you know me (which is weird please don't know me)

p.s I just realized i dont' know if any of this is a good reason, or if i'm over exaggerating and i'm scared to post this but i'm gonna do it because idk it just feels wrong to type this whole thing out and then not put it out yk? ok bye bye fr this time <3