Hiding Behind The Music - Lilly's Soundtrack

Hiding Behind The Music - Chp 8 [For All These Times Kid, For All These Times]

“For all these times/That we walked away/For all these times/That I heard you say/Give me something to believe in/Give me someone to believe in/For all these times/And it starts today”- Lostprophets – For All These Times Kid, For All These Times

I always sleep terribly when I have a lot on my mind or when I need sleep the most, although that night I slept heavily, my exhaustion too extreme due to heavy weight that was placed on me. So rolling over the next morning my thoughts were cluttered; do I go to a completely different country to get to know my biological mother? Did I want to know my real mother? What would I say to Sonny and was I able to lie to her? What was with Hayden, and could I ignored him still? And the biggest question of all, why couldn’t I find it within me to hate Kate?

That was the biggest question of all, I couldn’t find it in me to kick and scream, to abuse and cry or just to walk away, I felt lost... I had always pictured, if it was to occur, that when my mother showed that’d I’d abuse her and scream at her for everything she had put me through. And yet, here I stood utterly lost and transfixed, this could be my chance of understanding myself and digging deep. I still didn't trust her, but she was here, didn't that say enough? Maybe I couldn’t scream at her because of how she looked; her warm eyes and her gentle loving smile, it was all too sweet. Was I afraid of hurting her feelings? Because after all wasn’t I the one that ended up with a broken heart when the story ended? Since when did I even care of other’s feelings, let alone my own? I had locked my feelings up tight and smothered them under ground; I didn't even take note of my own let alone someone else’s, that someone being the lady that made me this cold and heartless.

I was an utter and complete mess and what was worse was that I had no idea of what to do, what to say and most of all I didn't know what I wanted.

Sighing I grabbed my mobile phone; I couldn’t hold it off any longer I thought as I texted her:

Lilly: Hey, sorry was real late replying and ditchin’ you after presentation. It’s been hectic, I can explain.
Sonny: explain.
Lilly: my biological mother made contact yesterday.
Sonny: ........ !!!!!!! ....... W-O-W !!!!!! *insert crazy ass scream here* !!!!!!
Lilly: I know right? I am so lost. I don't what to think about it all :S
Sonny: where she from?
Lilly: America, California. She’s single and had me at sixteen, all I know. She wants me to go over there and get to know her.
Sonny: so what are ya gonna do?
Lilly: I don't know!!! SOS!!!! :I
Sonny: It’s up to you.
Lilly: Sonny! I am dying here! Give me your thoughts so I can reach mine. I freakin’ sick of everything being up to me! Decide freakin’ for me!
Sonny: ....well....do you dislike her?
Lilly: Surprisingly no... well I don't think so... no I don't hate her... I don't think anyways.... argh! See what I mean?! I don’t freakin’ know anything!!!!!!!!!!!! Grrrrrrr
Sonny: Go.
Lilly: what? Why?
Sonny: she’s your mum! Besides, it’s a free vacation and you’ll get to find out a bit more about yourself. Lilly you always said you’d like to know, here is your chance, maybe your only.
Lilly: Yeaaaaaaa
Sonny: *insert dramatic sigh here* you wanted a fresh start? Have you ever thought this may be it? A sign or some crazy voodoo crap?

Biting my bottom lip, slowly, very slowly, everything seemed to sort itself out, maybe not answering the problems but giving me an understanding of my view and wants, creating a way for me to get my answers. Smiling I replied:

Lilly: I'm going to America.
Sonny: !!!!!!! *squeal!* I'm so gonna miss you! How long?!
Lilly: however long I want... I think. I'll miss you too ! L
Sonny: Email every night.
Lilly: Deal.
Sonny: when you leave?
Lilly: Tmoz morning or arvo.
Sonny: k, drop by?
Lilly: Very quickly later, I'll drop off your car, got a lot to sort out.
Sonny: k, go sort it out we’ll talk later. Love you! P.S <3’d your performance! :D