Ratneshwari

Chapter 27

The green leaves of the trees had turned brown. Some of them had fallen while the others were waiting for their turn.

Eight months had passed. Time did not heal Ratneshwari's pain completely. But somehow, it had managed to bury that pain deep inside her heart.

In these eight months, Shivan had become attached to Ratneshwari. But, he did not express it. He was afraid. "What if I cannot stay with her forever? How will she tolerate the separation if she gets too attached to me?", that was what he thought.

It was a full moon night. Ratneshwari had been dealing with insomnia for a while. That night also, she could not sleep. But still, she closed her eyes and tried to sleep. At midnight, she felt some movement beside her. Shivan had woken up. She did not move. Shivan got down from the bed and went to the kitchen to drink some water. Ratneshwari turned to the other side and closed her eyes.

Shivan returned to the bedroom and saw his wife. He thought,"She is sleeping." He continued to stare at her for sometime. Then, he caressed her head with his hand and kissed her forehead. After that, he slept beside her. Ratneshwari was still awake. Her eyes shed two drops of tears. She was confused. She thought,"Does he love me?" But she did not want to think that. She did not even want to ask him. "What if he says that he does not love me and I had misunderstood his gestures?",that was her fear. She said to herself,"I cannot bear the fact that the only loved one I have now, does not love me. He has not said that. How will I bear the pain if he says that?"

(Next day)

Ratneshwari was watching the TV when her phone rang. It was her mother-in-law who had called.

"Hello Amma"

"Hello dear, how are you?"

"I am fine. How are you?"

"I am fine. How is my son?"

"He is also fine."

"Does he bother you?"

"No not at all, Amma. You don't need to worry about that. Anyways, when are you going to visit us? It has been a long time since you came here."

"I will visit you during the upcoming festival."

"Why not now?"

"Because I have a lot of work at home now, my dear daughter. Anyways, what are you doing now?"

"I was watching a movie. What about you?"

"I am waiting for my cousin. Today is her brother's daughter-in-law's baby shower. We will go his house together."

"Oh, is it?"

"Well, is there any good news that you want to give me? I am eagerly waiting to hold my grandchild in my arms. My grandchild will call me,'Patti'. It will be such a nice moment. We will also organise a grand baby shower for you. I will invite all my relatives."

"Not yet Amma."

"It is going to be two years since your marriage. Is there any problem? You can share it with me. Maybe I can help you."

"There is no such problem, Amma. Your son does not want children now."

"Well, you have to decide about your children by yourself. If you want to have children later, then I don't have anything to say. But dear, promise me, both of you will give the good news to me first."

"I promise you, Amma."

"Ok then, take care."

"Take care, Amma."

Ratneshwari sighed.
She opened her almirah and took out the teddy bear she had bought. She looked at it and hugged it. She had always wanted a child. She used to see other women with their babies. She felt jealous but there was nothing she could do.

(The same night)

Ratneshwari was lying on the bed while Shivan was working on his laptop. He finished his work and decided to sleep. Ratneshwari was facing the other side. His eyes went to her exposed back. He was lying on the bed and staring at her back. His hand involuntarily went near Ratneshwari and the tip of his fingers touched her back. Ratneshwari opened her eyes and realised what that his fingers had touched her back. But, she did not move. She wanted him to touch her.

Shivan's hand touched her back even more. That day, Ratneshwari was wearing a back hook blouse. Shivan opened the hooks of her blouse one by one. Her entire back was exposed. He continued to touch her. He went closer to her and gently kissed her ears. This time, Ratneshwari turned towards him but did not say anything. Shivan saw her dry lips and glittering eyes. He caressed her face and kissed her lips. She kissed him back. After sometime, they broke the kiss. Ratneshwari looked into his eyes and then hugged him tightly. She was feeling the warmth of his embrace for the first time. She closed her eyes and thought,"Is this a dream?" Shivan unbraided her long black hair. Her hair had a sweet fragrance.

He looked into her eyes and kissed her again. Then, he slowly removed her sari and kissed her neck. Ratneshwari unbuttoned his shirt. She started kissing him and giving him love bites. Shivan was about to remove her blouse completely when he suddenly stopped. Ratneshwari was still kissing him. He thought,"Oh God! What was I going to do? I cannot do this. Not with her. If I am not sure about our future, then how can I do this? No, I cannot do this. I just cannot." He pulled himself away from Ratneshwari's embrace. He stared at her. Ratneshwari was confused. Shivan's eyes were moist. He got down from the bed. Then, he took his shirt and went to the other room. He closed the door and laid down on the bed.

Ratneshwari was sitting on the bed. She was confused. She said,"Why did he do this? Why did he leave? How can he leave me like that? Am I so unattractive and unworthy? Don't I have any feelings and needs?" She could do nothing but cry. She wore her sari and sat on the floor. She was angry - angry on her husband for abandoning her, angry on her fate for not giving her any happiness and angry on the God she worshipped for snatching away her happiness every time.

(Next day)

Shivan and Ratneshwari did not talk to each other. Shivan was too ashamed of himself. Ratneshwari just could not talk about anything.

That evening, Shivan did not want to go home. He was disturbed. He could not face Ratneshwari. He thought,"What will she think of me? Let her think whatever she wants. It is better than what she would have thought of me if I had not stopped myself last night. If we don't stay together in future, atleast she will not think that I just used her body for fulfilling my desires even though I had no love for her." His duty got over at 10 o'clock. He was thinking of a place where he could go. Prakash was out of town so he could not go to his house. He called Sheetal.

"Hello Shivan"

"Hello Sheetal, actually....is there anyone at your home?"

"Oh yes, my sister Karuna has come to visit me. Why did you ask?"

"Actually, I wanted to ask you something. Do you have a spare room?"

"Yeah, but why?"

"Will you mind if I spend the night at your place? Just this night."

"Okay. You can come here."

"Thanks"

Shivan went to Sheetal's apartment. Sheetal was worried to see him tensed. So, she asked him the cause of his distress. He narrated everything to her. Sheetal said,"It's okay. I think you need to end this fast or else it will be too late."

On the other hand, Ratneshwari was waiting for Shivan. She was worried. She realised that it was already midnight. She called Shivan.

"Hello"

"Why are you not returning home? Why don't you think about me? Why are you punishing me like this? I am waiting for you. Why don't you say anything?"

Shivan did not know what to say. He disconnected the phone and wiped a lone tear that has escaped his right eye. Karuna entered the room and said,"Sheetal, come. Everything is ready." She turned to Shivan and said,"Well, we are going to drink you-know-what. You can join us if you want." Shivan was an occasional drinker. He drinked but very rarely. The last time he drank was a year ago.

The three of them sat together and started drinking. Shivan drank a few glasses of the fermented liquid. Shivan said to Karuna and Sheetal,"That's enough for me. I am going." They nodded their heads and Shivan walked towards his room.