Ratneshwari

Chapter 25

Ratneshwari was cutting vegetables when the bell rang. She opened the door and saw Shivan. He was sweating profusely. She said,"What happened? Is everything fine? You don't look well." Shivan looked at her and said,"Relax Ratna! I am fine." Ratneshwari was not convinced. She was worried. Shivan realised that. So, he said,"It was a hot day. I am just a bit tired. There's nothing else." Ratneshwari felt relieved. She said,"I think you need to take a bath." Shivan nodded his head.

Shivan headed towards the bedroom. Ratneshwari starting cutting the vegetables again. After having finished cutting the vegetables, she washed them. She took a utensil and kept it on the stove. Then, she poured oil in it and started cooking. She said to herself,"You told me that you don't love me. But, I can't stop myself from loving you. I have lost the few people who loved me. I don't want to lose you. I will not be able to bear that. I don't know what to do. I am confused. My vision is blurry, my mind doesn't seem to co-operate with me and my heart doesn't want to guide me. Shiv, open your arms and embrace me even if it is just for once. My own heart scares me. Destiny has left me with a scar. Don't whip my heart. I just want to hug you and cry and cry and cry....." Ratneshwari was lost in her thoughts when she got a smell. She came out of her thoughts and realised that she had  overcooked the vegetables. She said,"Oh no! I have burned the vegetables. Well, I have cooked rice and sambar also. We will eat that tonight."

She saw that the jug was empty. So, she filled it. She was taking the jug to the dining table when her ankle twisted and she fell down. She got up and saw that the floor was wet. She went to the kitchen to bring a cloth to wipe the floor but she could not find any cloth. So, she decided to go to the bedroom to bring a cloth.

Ratneshwari opened the door of the bedroom and then she felt that her heart had skipped a beat. Shivan was standing there and drying his hair. He had worn his track pants but the upper part of his body was bare. He had not noticed Ratneshwari. Ratneshwari felt that her body had started to grow warmer. It was not the first time she was seeing him like that. She had lived with him for one year and within this span of time, she had seen him like that numerous times. They had not consummated their marriage. Only she knew, how much she had wanted to touch him. She wanted to pull him towards herself and embrace him. Only she knew, about the fire of unfulfilled desires that was burning inside her. She stood still and watched his well chiseled body. She longed to touch his chest and kiss his shoulders. Only she knew, how much she had wanted to feel his touch. She wanted to feel his hands in every part of her body. Her eyes went to his lips. Every night, he slept beside her. He was so close to her. There had been numerous nights when she had wanted to kiss his lips when he was asleep and satisfy her heart to some extent. But she was afraid. What if he wakes up? What if he gets angry and decides never to sleep beside her again? That is what she thought. Shivan believed that his body and heart belonged to Sheetal and Ratneshwari knew that very well. As a wife, she had rights over her husband's body but was it morally correct to touch someone who had not given her the right to do so? That was what stopped her from touching him. She respected him. She loved him a lot and so, she could not hurt him.

Ratneshwari looked at him once again. He was facing the other side and his bare back was visible to her. She saw the mole on the left side of his back. She could never understand what she liked about that mole so much. She had always wanted to touch that.

At that moment, Shivan noticed her. He saw his wife standing still like a statue at the door. When Ratneshwari realised that Shivan was looking at her, she immediately lowered her eyes. She did not want her husband to look at her eyes which would reflect the lustful desires that had been growing in her heart like the fire which grows in the forest. She knew that the fire burning inside her will destroy everything just like the forest fire which destroys the whole forest. If Shivan gets a slightest idea of what she thinks and what she desires to do, he will distance himself from her and, that was the last thing she wanted to happen.

Shivan said to her,"What happened?" Ratneshwari said,"Aa..notthingg..I just came here..to take a cloth...to wipe the floor. The food is ready. Come and have your dinner." Shivan nodded his head. Ratneshwari took a piece of cloth and left.

(Later that night)

Ratneshwari was awake and was staring at her husband who was sleeping beside her. She could do nothing but cry at her miserable state. She whispered,"What did you do to me, Shiv? I am living a life of uncertainty. Why did you do this to me? If my house catches fire, I can pour water on it. But how will I calm the fire that is burning inside me?"

(Next day)

Ratneshwari was buying some vegetables in the market. She saw a vendor who was selling toys. She felt a strong urge to go near him and buy the teddy bear that was with him. After having finished buying the vegetables, her legs took her to the vendor involuntarily. The vendor saw her and greeted her.

"Vanakkam akka! What do you want to buy?"

Ratneshwari's eyes were fixed on the teddy bear. The vendor noticed that.

"The teddy bear costs ₹ 200 but I can give it to you for ₹ 150."

Ratneshwari hesitated for a while but then, she decided to buy it.

Ratneshwari returned home and kept the vegetables in the kitchen. She took the teddy bear and hurried towards her room. She sat in the bed with the teddy bear in her hands. She looked at it again and again. It was a pink teddy bear. She really liked it. She said to herself,"This is for my baby. When I will have a baby, I will give this to my baby to play with."

She held the teddy bear close to her heart and said,"Dear teddy, we will surely get a playmate. My baby will come and become our playmate." She smiled and and a few drops of tears escaped her eyes.