Chapter one Fever Dream

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Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light;
I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night. - Sarah Williams

 - Sarah Williams

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The stars. I've been infatuated with them my entire life. I'm always looking at them, wishing on them, completely mesmerized by their sparkle.

It's December 26th 2022 and I'm enjoying a quiet moment alone after being in a house full of people for the past three days.

Being back home for the holidays is bittersweet. I enjoy seeing my family, but it also reminds me of why I moved to the opposite side of the country. Tomorrow I'll be flying back to the west coast and back to my life in sunny California. People automatically think everything is perfect in California, but the reality is it's just a bunch of smoke and mirrors.

The weather is perfect. The people who live there are perfect, aside from me of course. I'm far from perfect.

I was born and raised in Roanoke , Virginia and had a normal, every day typical childhood. I constantly had my head in the clouds, daydreaming about other worlds, the heavens, the stars, how I couldn't wait to leave this small town.

I dreamed of what was beyond the stars. Then one day I grew up and stopped wishing on them. I stopped caring what was beyond them. I remember telling my parents I wanted to go to college across the country. I wanted to go to UCLA and hoped that I would be perfect like everyone who lived there.

My best friend Victoria and I set off for the west coast in her Honda and we were determined we were going to make our mark on the west coast. Vicks wanted to study marketing and I was going to be an English major. I wanted to be a writer.

We had an apartment off campus and we lived off of cheap ramen noodles and water choosing to save our money for clothes and drinks at all of the hottest LA clubs and bars. Vicks took a job as a hostess in one of those very clubs and I took a job as a server in a small cafe in beachwood canyon.

It's there that I met Matt. He came in one morning and asked the waiter who served him who the cute brown haired girl with the accent was. The next day he requested to sit in my section. I finally agreed to one date after two weeks of his persistent asking and showing up for breakfast each day I worked.

He's very handsome. I wasn't sure why he would even be interested in me. He's from Kansas and he came to LA on a football scholarship, but he decided to stay and try his hand at acting. He's very good at it. Acting that is. He has everyone fooled, myself included.

I'm fairly certain he has been unfaithful to me more times that I probably even suspect, I don't know why I stay with him honestly. I think it's just convenient for both of us. I don't want anything serious, just someone to go out with occasionally and have fun with. He serves that role well. I loved him at one time, the realization of who he really is tarnished that.

I'm not sad or bitter about it. It just is what it is. To most people I look like I've got it all together. Great apartment, I'll be finishing up with school soon and a gorgeous boyfriend. Nothing could be further from the truth. Vicks even makes me feel like I should be more grateful at times.

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