THALIA
When a woman dressed in a black suit approached me on a train track, whilst I was holding a bottle of blue spray paint in my left hand and a face covered with paint, I didn't hesitate to say no to her proposition:
BE HER BRIDESMAID AT HER WE...
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My arms are shaking, my legs are shaking, my hands are shaking.
Fucking hell - I can't believe I just told Esmerelda to practically shove it.
Oh. My. God.
I'm gonna need an ambulance on stand by for the next 24 hours of my life. Or maybe even a body guard for the rest of eternity.
The woman is fuming. Smoke is nearly coming out of both ears. I can tell she's trying to refrain herself from slapping me in front of everybody. But I know better. I know she would never do anything in front of friends of hers. That is the one thing more important than destroying my life.
To clear things up - I don't hurt myself. She has hurt me. I've got scars from only 2 weeks of living in her house. I've got scars from the past too, but that's irrelevant. She was telling Mr. Ford that I hurt myself in case they see any of my scars. She was trying to be smart. Trying to make sure she never gets caught. But I had enough.
"Outside. Now." She says, pushing her chair back and strutting out the dining room with her shoulders back and her head held high.
My stomach churns at her words. I am terrified.
"Thalia..." Nadine starts, looking at me with sympathy.
I just shake my head then stand up and follow Esmerelda outside.
She's waiting by the front door for me, when she sees me she immediately opens the front door and storms out. I follow her slowly. Trying to delay the inevitable.
When I get outside instantly I get a slap to the cheek.
"How dare you! How dare you talk to me like a little brat. I cannot believe this behaviour. Unacceptable . You think I'd tolerate that? You are so ungrateful it's uncanny. Honestly, I thought that since every other person in your life has abandoned you, you'd be at least grateful that I'm still here. Im the one who's stayed with you. Me! Not your dear old mummy. Not daddy. Not brother or sister. Or even a dog. Me! I have. None of your last foster parents who have just tossed you out like trash. I am different. I care for you. I want what's best for you! But you make it so difficult, so so so difficult. Im trying to make you into a better person. I've given you opportunities some can only dream about. Privileges. Money. A home. Food on the table. A roof over your head. And the way you treat me - the way you treat me - is disgusting. It's wretched. It's foul and unbelievable. I do not appreciate it at all. You are going to go back in there, sit at that table and keep your mouth shut. You're going to apologise for causing an inconvenience. And then we're going to go home and I am going to murder you."
I hate myself so much in this moment for crying. She doesn't deserve to see my cry. But I can't help it. I cannot help it. This woman - this woman believes that she loves me. When you love somebody you do not try to change me. She loves the idea of me. She loves the way I look. But she does not like me. She hates me. She hates me. I stand in front of her and cry. I cry because she's right. My mum did leave. My dad left. Everyone else left. I feel so alone sometimes I just want to die. I want to fucking scream until the pain is gone. I just want to be wanted. I want to be wanted so fucking bad.
Esmerelda has said she's going to murder me countless times in annoyance, but there's something different this time. There's more behind the threat. Something that sounded a lot like truth. That scares me. That really really scares me.
I don't tell Esmerelda what I'm thinking. I don't mutter a snide comment under my breath. I stay quiet. I feel like I've lost my voice.
She shoves me towards the door, "go."
I do just that. I go back inside and sit down. And ignore the stares. I look at a wall and don't think at all. I just sit there. Feeling empty. Plain. Hurt. Broken. Damaged. Scarred. Sick. Angry. Scared. Tired. Exhausted.
"Thalia," I hear Nadine whisper to me in a soft voice. I don't miss the concern etched in it. "Wanna stay round here tonight?"
Something - or someone - forces me to shake my head and whisper a polite no.
"Please stay." She says.
I shake my head again. "I can't."
"You can. You can. Please stay. Please. You haven't finished getting to know everyone. Maybe we could have breakfast together, I don't know. Watch a movie. Play a game?"
My eyes feel droopy. Im just tired. Really fucking tired. "I can't." I repeat.
"Please, Thalia." She sounds like she's in agony. Like she's hurt by this.
"Nadine... I can't. Just stop, please." I try to hold the tears back. I try really hard. But there's an audience. And I won't let them see me cry. I just won't. I stand up, surprised by myself. "We need to go anyway." I announce coldly, not waiting for a reply before walking out the room, a tear falling down my cheek.
